Oilfield Vehicles

First of all, ALL oilfield vehicles are spider-legged flame tanks… Wait, that’s not right. They are NOT spider-legged flame tanks. but they are NOT normal vehicles. Some of you may be con fused which is natural. they look like normal, they sound normal(ish) and they drive normal(ish), but they are, I say again, NOT normal. I’ve driven through almost half the states in this country and I gotta say, vehicles in an oilfield are very very much not normal. But before we go any further I would like to apologize for not posting more regularly. I’d say that I was super busy or my computer had been kidnapped by ninja weasels, but the truth is, I’ve been lazy as of late. With that being said. I’ve been working on a book (again) lately and I did devote a bit of time to that. That’s not important though. The important part is that we’re all here for Christmas…. no, we’re just here, not a holiday (I think). So lets get going eh?

As some of you know, an oilfield is a pretty big place. Also, it’s a really big place, like multiple counties big. So naturally, people need to get around. I’d venture to say that most of you also know that there’s a lot of money being made in the oilfield. I mean, how are you going to convince a few thousand people to just uproot themselves and move to some god awful place to work their ass off for 16 hours a day, not see their families for weeks at a time and live in quite possibly the coldest part of the nation (lower 48 of course)? Offer them barrels of cash, it’s why I did it. At any rate, many of these workers grew up on the lower end of the economic scale (lower class to middle middle class). There’s the few people who grew up rich and many of those grew up rich because their parent(s) worked in the oilfield too and so you get the idea. Now when these people who grew up with out having much they tend to do the same thing… Buy a badass vehicle. that’s just what happens. So there are TONS!!! of oilfield trucks running around. Now I say “trucks” but I don’t mean semi’s. I man pickup trucks. Some of them buy cars, but cars like Camaros and Mustangs, fast cars, you get it. Also, they still have a few buckets of cash, so they get them tricked out. So here’s an example.

Because why not?

Because why not?

As you can see people with a lot of money and little sense make decisions like the truck on the right. Not so say that the truck on the right isn’t badass, but it’s entirely unnecessary. Lets continue.

Now I’m not sure entirely sure if it’s an option that only oilfield dealers offer or if it’s the drivers, but these vehicles only have 3 speeds: Park, forward murder and reverse murder…. That’s it. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen someone stop the gas pedal through the floor bard to move up 6 feet. I’m not exaggerating, I’m not kidding, I’m completely serious. They just slam on the gas, smoke billowing out of the pipes, tires squealing, engine roaring, suspension torquing, just to move up one car length. Also, part B of this section. The brakes I also assume only have 3 modes: hold the vehicle still while stopped, slow down JUST enough not to slam into the back of someone on the highway and lock them bitches up.  I’ve seen on a multitude of occasions someone romp forward 4 feet and then immediately pulverize the brake pedal to come to a screeching halt… Not sure the mentality behind this. It happens so much that I can only assume it’s the vehicles.

Another modification I’ve seen on nearly every diesel truck is the smoke dispenser option. Apparently, if you work in the oilfield and you drive a diesel truck, every time you speed up the vehicle is required to spew out as much black smoke as mechanically possible. The more smoke comes out, the bigger your wiener is… I guess, I don’t know. I don’t drive a diesel, not really my thing. But I bet if I did it would spew out a ton of smoke and I would be blessed by the spirits of underpants filler meat…. So yeah… moving on.

Headlights…..oooooh those headlights. How I loath them so. Normally I have absolutely zero problems with headlights. I even drive a Ford Fiesta while I’m home. Yeah, that tiny little car that sits right at eye level with every other vehicles headlights, yeah that one. No problems with headlights in that thing. In the oilfield I drive a tall delivery van which sets up fairly high on the road, yet I can’t help but be blinded on a regular basis by oncoming vehicles. I know what you might be thinking. “Cannibal, they’re probably just running with their brights on and don’t realize it.” To that I inform you that your food socket is ajar and you should close it… I’m getting to that. Seeing as how I haven’t even been vehicle shopping in the oilfield (mainly because I already have a vehicle and the prices are outrageous) so most of this is assumption based on my sexy intelligence and powers of deduction. Yeah… I’m kind of a big deal. ANYWAYS! The dealers here in the oilfield don’t measure the brightness of the headlights in lumens. Oh no… no no no, that’s too small and petty for you sissy folk. No they use an entirely different scale to measure how bright the headlights are. They measure it in exponents of the brightness of the sun. Now as all other vehicles the lights have 3 modes: off (laaaaaaame), yellow dwarf(x10) and type O blue giant star(x30,000) (but for real though, look up a type O star… them things are ridiculous).

Fresh off the production line.

Fresh off the production line.

So, as you’re drivign along at night you see a vehicle approaching from the next county over with some ridiculously bright ass lights shining, so you give them the polite “you left your brights on” flicker of your brights in HOPES that they will trn theirs down too. Well of course that doesn’t happen, they give you the “no I didn’t, these are my orphan stomping low beams” flicker of their brights. Now when I say brights… I mean it’s so bright that the light doesn’t just stop in your eyes and get converted to an electro-chemical signal which is sent to your brain for processing as bright as hell. That would be much better. I mean the light invades your eyeball with a searing pain, it then uses the jaws of life to force your nerves open wide enough to cram itself into. It then barrels through your nerves, torching everything in sight until it gets to your brain cavity. Once inside your skull it reemerges and roasts your brain until it begins to blister and it even has the courtesy of giving the inside of your skull a dark golden tan and signs a “F**k you” into the bone with a surgical lazer.

yeah, I went there

yeah, I went there

So in closing, as you can see, vehicles in the oilfield are VASTLY different from vehicles in the rest of the world. They may seem like normal, but they hide a sinister truth under their plastic and sheet metal skins. They harbor an evil that wishes to emerge and swallow the universe. starting with your eyes.

Hey everyone! If there’s anything you’d like me to cover, discuss, review, just drop a comment at any time. I’m willing to write about just about anything. Also don’t forget to stab that follow/subscribe/deliver brownies button and join the tribe. See yal another day.


STAB THE CHILDREN!!!!!! (or not, your choice)

As the title would lead you to believe we are, in fact, stabbing children. To be specific, small children. Not like 13-18, well maybe them too. Who knows right? I mean, stabbing children can be useful and even good for them. Well… some say stabbing children is bad for them. So some say stab all the kids as many as you can! While others say “Oh no!!! don’t stab the children!!! they’re tiny bodies!” Alright maybe not the tiny bodies bit but you get the idea. HEY!! I see you slowly reaching for your phone to call the cops on me. Don’t try to pull back now, I already saw it! Well yeah this topic sounds pretty morbid and awful… true, dead children is a terrible thing, wait… dead children? NO NO NO NO NO!!!!! vaccines!! Stab the children with vaccines! My goodness! Of course plunging a blade into a child is totes terribleez! Don’t do that. I would assume that somewhere suspiciously close to 99.9999% of people would agree that giving a child a pokey-punch all up a kid’s innards is quite possibly one of the most disgusting things ever… EVAR!!! What’s that? the .0001%? Oh, well I don’t personally know EVERYBODY’S feelings on the matter, gotta leave a little room for the weirdos and… never mind. Back to the topic at hand.

Giving kids vaccines. Is it a good idea or a bad idea? Well I already have a kid who has been vaccinated and one still on the assembly line. So some might say that I’m pro-stabbing… I mean vaccines. Pro-vaccines. When our son was born (me and my wife… not you and me… weirdo) he got his shots, sort of like a puppy of sorts. They pulled him out, slapped his ass and gave him a good sta…. vaccine cocktail, then tossed him over in a “hope you can catch” kind of way. Well it may seem weird to you but we do things differently where I’m from. That’s not legal anywhere…? Oh dear… so $20 for a birthing fee on the back docks of Walmart sounds sketchy? I knew I should have scheduled with the guy at Target… MUCH nicer facilities! Now that you mention it the guy did smell like gin and regret.

on the weekends he's a WIZARD!!!

on the weekends he’s a WIZARD!!!

But going back to the original topic, yes our son was not born at walmart, he was born in a hospital, by smart people who do that sort of crap every day in a very professional manner… sort of, but that’s a topic for another day. Yes I knwo that’s not the “original” topic but I had to clear that up first. ANY WAYS!!! Yes our son was vaccinated. Not because I love pumping chemicals and viruses into my son’s body, but we were told that (A) it was good for him and (B) he needed them to be able to go to school. So we did it. I trusted the doctors who do that kind of crap every day and all was well. Besides! I had my shots and I turned out…. well never mind that. Now he’s all grown up to the ripe old age of 7 (don’t tell me he’s not ripe, apples only take one year… ONE!!! He’s seven times riper than an apple so BLEH!!). 

The reason I picked this topic is because I’ve been seeing this topic flare up from time to time on my super awesome news feeds that certainly don’t come from facebook and other pass-by media….. ok it mostly is. But there was a news article in there somewhere so i’m a pseudo-expert-ish-type person. The main argument I hear is the fact that the vaccines have a ton (can you really fit a ton of anything in a syringe…? just asking) of chemicals in them that could be harmful to people, children in particular. I’ve also heard the argument that vaccines cause autism. On that note, I did a bit of research and found that roughly less than 1% of children ages 0-17 have NOT been vaccinated. Another quick search revealed that there are roughly 68.6 million children in the us this year in that age range. ANOTHER  quick search found that 1 in 88 children in the US are born with Autism. For those of you who are afraid of google or are terrible at math, that’s .01 with a few other numbers in there. So, of the 68.6 million children, roughly 1% are born with autism and 1% are NOT vaccinated. so the SAME number of children who are NOT vaccinated to children born with autism. Now i’m not saying that every non-vaccinated kid has autism. I’m just saying that the numbers don’t really help that case. 

The other case is that the chemicals and junk are terribleez (I like that word… terribleez… Just rolls off the tongue). Now I will admit that in most cases, random chemicals inside your body is a bad thing. BUT!!! These are no ordinary random chemicals. These are carefully selected random chemicals. “But carefully selected means that they aren’t random anymore…” SHUT YOUR FACE AND PAY ATTENTION!! Now I ask you this. What are two of the most deadly natural, non-radioactive elements? You may say “a lot of them” but that just shows that you’re not seeing where I’m going with this and should be quite and pay attention. The answer is Sodium and chlorine. Some of you may have already heard this argument raging on the interwebs (I just found out about it and I’m too far into tho turn back now) and rolling your eyes and saying “god not again!!!” but too bad, or you can skip ahead until I type in all caps “squiggly beard”. Then you’ll know it’s safe to return without being bothered by that old sodium and chlorine mess. As I was saying… what’s that? Am I going to really type that… not sure… It was pretty fun to type the first time. And think of the glory when it’s in all caps. Yelled out to bounce to and fro in the blog-o-sphere. Anyways, back on point. Sodium is a terribly deadly metal. It literally tries to explode when is contacts water…. really cool stuff. On the other hand, chlorine is another awfully deadly gas that will do everything in it’s power to kill every cell in your body. Just thought I would mention that chlorine has a super power… it has the ability to kill every cell it comes in contact with, and it can’t turn that off… so have fun with that. SO!! you take those two deadly monsters and you staple em together in sausage casing, shrink em down to minuscule particles, turn them into crystals and BAM!!! sodium chloride. Some of you may be thinking “that sounds familiar… where have I heard that before?” The answer (hopefully) is science class. Because sodium chloride is in fact also know as (AKA) salt… Yep, table salt. Two of the most deadly elements put together makes up something that your body NEEDS in order to function. Granted, too much salt is bad, but too much light is bad, too much water is bad, so on and so forth, clamp that noise making face hole shut. Moving on, some common chemicals in vaccines are Mercury (although it’s TECHNICALLY methylmurcury which is, not so good for you. Although it doesn’t stick around forever and it’s countered by omega-3 type fatty acids that are in a ton of things you eat all the time), ammonium sulphate (a salt that it deemed safe to consume by the FDA and the European FDA-type thing. It’s in flour and all kinds of stuff) and some other stuff and of course virus’, particularly the ones they’re trying to vaccinate you from. So if it’s a flu vaccine, it’s got the flu in it. granted, extremely weak and sometimes dead flu, but flu non the less.


(that WAS fun) If you’e just returning… you might want to read the last little bit from the above paragraph. It’s ok I’ll wait….. No! We’re waiting…. just be patient. Back? Awesome! Let’s continue. So the thing many people are freaking out about are these chemicals. The thing is, some of the more scary one like methyl mercury and thimerosal haven’t been used since 2002 (as told by a quick search) and the ones they use now? For instance you’e allowed up to 1g of Streptomycin a day (not of each and every chemical, but that’s an average). The amount you get in a vaccine? Lets put it this way. All of the vaccines that a person will take in they’re life will total far less than…. 1g. So when they say “trace amounts” what they’re really saying is “we have to tell you it’s in here by law but in all reality, you’ll probably lick more of it out of a hooker’s crack than you will get from this”. don’t look hooker ass? It’s ok, I don’t either. How about… “you’ll probably eat more of it from just randomly touching stuff and touching your mouth thorough your life than you’ll get from these” Better? Good, let’s move on.

want some streptomycin honey?

want some streptomycin honey?


On to the the whole “there’s virus’ in vaccines”. It’s not really a big issue, but I decided to touch on it anyways. The fact that they are “virus'” in the vaccine is the EXACT reason it’s a vaccine! If it didn’t have them in there, it would just be some weird, not-so helpful shot of preservatives and stabilizers. Basically, it’s the medical world’s version of playing that really crappy team in town at football BEFORE the real season starts, just to make sure the team has all the kinks worked out. Yes, that crappy team can TECHNICALLY show you up or give you a few problems, but when you start playing those good teams, you’re ready. Yeah… it’s pretty much like that. your body kicks the crap out of the weaker, less-effective virus, so when you get exposed to the real deal, your body is all “PSHHH!!! I got this.” And then goes all BLAM POW THWACK like an awful 60’s batman cartoon or something.

JUST like that

JUST like that

so you’re welcome world, stop being scared of needs and take the shots.


Or don’t, It’s no big deal to me. Though I would like to know your thoughts. What do you think? Do you think I’m way off base and vaccines are just the government’s way of keeping us dumb, sterile and addicted to toddlers and tiaras? Or are they a good thing that help keep us safe and help the US stay as the country that has pretty much killed all of the virus’/diseases if it weren’t for those no-good, foot dragging louses in the rest of the world? Leave a comment and let me know. Also, be sure to subscribe and join the tiny (albeit hungry) tribe!

One last note, the Cannibal Corner has reached over 20 Followers!!! WOOT WOOT! I know, it’s not really a big deal but i’m excited! So keep on keeping on and have a good one.

The fall from purity

Let’s be honest, nothing on this earth is pure. It’s a filthy, dirty place, but we somehow still seem to assign the term “pure” to certain things. Snow forms around dirt and dust particles, as does rain. People are terrible no matter how nice they are and lets not even consider farm animals shall we? The thing is, as I said just moments before, that we still assign things and people as pure. Well one such person was Taylor Swift, she was seen as pure-ish by the masses (unless I missed something). Her music, while wrought with admissions of being awful at picking boyfriends, seemed innocent and… well… pure…..ish. I’ll be the first to admit that I’m not a fan of her work, I felt like she was the newest in the business’ string of “young girl role models”. Young, talented (to some), entertaining and someone who wasn’t shooting up drugs or beating out rugs with kittens tied together. Though as does everything, her reputation began to become tarnished. Mainly due to the long string of boyfriends she had that ended badly, which resulted in songs of her failed loves. At any rate, it seems like this newest news has tipped the scales and will result in her imminent downfall from pureishness. Shall we? Good, let’s go.


Look at that innocent face... LOOK AT IT!!

Look at that innocent face… LOOK AT IT!!

I found out today, that Taylor Swift is going to be putting out a new album this year titles “1989” and had gone ahead and released a single from it called “shake it off”. Before I go into my personal feelings about the song itself I would like to pint out that, yes, technically, she was born in 1989. December of 1989. It’s not like she really DID anything in 1989. I mean, she slept, craped and screamed the entire time she was in 1989. So the album should be called “More like 1990”.  Now normally I would be all about the advice to shake it off. The illustrious “it” being haters/toxins/super villains/angry bees and the like of course. The thing is, it appears that the song says one thing while the video says a myriad of contradictions. Granted, they did put in the obligatory “cute nice girl” parts so that her OG fans wouldn’t be TOO alienated.

IT'S A BUNNY!!!!!!!

IT’S A BUNNY!!!!!!!

Hmmmmm… Maybe she’s being cute…. or… mayyyybe, she’s…..


definately struttin that ass.

definately struttin that ass.

Oh dear…. yet another young idol falling from grace… THE HORROR!!! Anyways, Going back to my original point, the words send a great message, keep doing your thing and let the world go on around you. With an undertone of not letting the world get you down and forcing you to conform. Of COURSE! Taylor Swift, the cute country singer/song writer who’s heart is pure and intentions true couldn’t possibly be swayed to figuratively bow to the demands and pressures of society to conform. she will stand fast. she will not be overtaken!

....well s#!t

….well s#!t

Or she’ll sell out and do her best to be “cool” which will most likely wind up with her falling into the dregs along with Miley Cyrus. Some of you may argue “No Cannibal, she was just trying to relate to everybody and get her message across”. Well to that I say FOOWEY! She’s fallen into the same trap as so many other. “you aren’t quite relevant enough to get your point across, so here, do these things to make people listen to you and all will be well”. So now she (possibly) has gotten herself into a new demographic of fans  who will hereby be expecting such things from her and in order to keep up her “street cred” she will be forced to continue down this road. So good job Taylor Swift, you just fashioned the vehicle of your demise… I hope it has cushioned seats.  Some of the rest of you who still aren’t convinced may say “Cannibal you need to chill. These are just innocent displays of fun and not letting the world tell you what to do, which is exactly what you’re doing”. OK, I might relent if such was the case, but I submit yet another piece of evidence.

the smell seems to be coming from down here...

the smell seems to be coming from down here…

What’s that you say? Just innocent fun? Well we all know that twerking is mandatory for there to be any “fun” in a music video. If there isn’t women vagina stroking the air, then there’s no fun to be had here. But what is she doing down there?  Hmmm.. I’m sure she just dropped a contact. Wait, she’s looking up so she’s not looking for a dropped object. Is she inspecting their vaginas? I mean, you can’t be Taylor Swift and have tampon strings flopping about in your video. Oh wait, they would check for that before the filming… hmmm. What is she doing down there? could it be…? Could it be that she’s just down there so the camera has a good excuse to right there in the twerking girls asses? AAAAAAAAAHHHH yes. She’s crawling around like some terrible lesbian creeper/cave gazer so the world can get a good solid look at women flapping their asses about in the hopes of driving up ratings/fans. It all makes sense now… Or.. maybe she’s saying that if you want to crawl around and look up girls incredibly short shorts, then go ahead. Hater gonna hate, you just participate… Do what? that’s illegal? Oh dear…. so you can’t go about looking for vaginas on the dance floor? Drat! I guess you’ll just have to settle for Taylor Swift’s rather convenient display in her music video. She’s so thoughtful! Now I will admit that there is a portion of the video with normal people dancing about and generally having a good time with no twerking or anything of the sort. just normal people dressed in normal clothes dancing to their hearts content…. for roughly 30 seconds… of a 4 minute video… at the end…. with other stuff spliced in as not to give the impression that it carried on for too long. Can’t have innocent fun showing on the screen for too long or we’ll lose the audience.  I think I’ve made my point. She’s a visionary! wait.. no, she’s falling to the dregs and would go faster if it meant more fame.

So I leave you all with this. What do you think about the song? Is it just innocent fun or is it a cry for attention? do you think she’s begun to slough off her so-called purity in search for fame? iI’d love to know what you think in the comments below.

TIPS vs SERVICE (A delve inside)

This is a topic that seems to flair up from time to time in our society and it’s one I felt I needed to officially address. Before I go any further please let me divulge my credentials. I waited tables for a year (almost exactly) at a restaurant we shall refer to as fruitstinginginsect. On foggy nights when the fume hood stacks would spew fog/steam/beef fragrance farts I would refer to it as fogb**s. I think you figured out where I worked. On top of that, I was also going to school and using the money I made to survive and pay for school supplies and tuition. So as you can see I REALLY needed those tips. Now some of you may say that waiting tables for a year doesn’t give me enough “topic cred”. Well I would say do it for 3 months with no reserve money in the bank to fall back on and see how much you learn about needing tips.

shall we begin?

shall we begin?

With all that out of thew way I think we can move on. Some of you may think that I would stand with the position that you should always tip your server/waiter/waitress regardless of service because they need tips to survive. I do not. I am a firm believer that the tip should reflect 1:how you rated the quality of their service 2:your generosity 3:(by proxy) mow much extra money to have to just give to someone for doing their job. NOT A: how big your wiener is B: how much of a d!ck you are C: to explain to a poor person that you’re also poor but can come and harass them for nearly an hour.

I'm sure Jesus is really proud... TFBS

I’m sure Jesus is really proud… TFBS

Hint to the non-gamers “TFBS” stand for “that’s f*@%ing bulls#!t” At any rate, many people believe the word “tip” or “tips” was an old English term that meant “to ensure promptness” or “to ensure prompt service”. The thing is, acronyms weren’t really a thing back then and that’s probably not true. More likely (and by more likely I mean I found an article on a website that seems legit and thought it sounded cool too) “tip” in a payment sense refers to thieves sharing in loot or “swag” (not not the dumb kind). Which was later picked up by non-thieves and used to indicate a bonus for good service at places like restaurants/other various establishments. With that being said, tips were never guaranteed nor were they expected. Now granted, today’s servers are paid crap for an hourly wage (mine was 2.34 an hour) which is pretty much to cover taxes and that’s it. So now we have a dilemma of sorts. How do the servers get the tips they need to survive while in the same breathe admitting that they aren’t mandatory? First you would have to establish some sort of socially accepted rules to tipping. Such as the unwritten rule that if you don’t tip your an asshole. CHECK. Then you would have to establish some sort of standard amount for tipping so everybody who isn’t an asshole would know about how much to tip such as 15% for decent service. CHECK. THEN you would have to inform the servers that it’s their responsibility to do their job well and give their customers the experience they come to expect if not better in order to EARN those non-mandatory tips…… not so check. I knew many servers (men and women) who were under the impression that the fact that they showed up and walked food around all day meant that they deserved money to be heaped upon them. They felt like anything less than a 20% tip for their lackluster “I don’t care about you or this crap job” service was a direct insult to them. Let me be clear. I understand that being a server is a crap job, I did it, but when people go out to eat it’s to have a good time, not to watch their server resent everybody that walks through the door. Now I’m not saying that servers should be grateful for the opportunity to have stupid people complain at them all day. I’m just saying that every group/person that sits down is a fresh start and an opportunity to make them happy and be proud of your work, regardless of how “menial” it may seem. So can we agree that when a patron is paying for their meal, in fact it is two separate payments? One payment for the food and a second, non-mandatory, payment for the quality of service.

I hate your face now give me money

I hate your face now give me money

There are five main types of tips in the world and I will explain thusly.

S#!tty tips: Let’s face it, there are a lot of assholes out there who don’t tip and will use any excuse in the book to avoid it, such as this lady

I assume it's a lady because it says single "mom"

I assume it’s a lady because it says single “mom”

If you’re going to skimp on the tip because you’re a single mom who doesn’t have much to spare. then you shouldn’t have bought $138.35 worth of crap. Also, how many kids does this lady have? 20? Was she paying for a group of people? I would say no to that one, because if there were other people, normally the people who didn’t pay for the food drop a tip. So there would be no reason for apologizing for not leaving a tip. Here’s an idea, if you’re spending over $100 on a meal, the single mom crap aint gonna fly.

Normal/good tips: Not much to be said here. If you do your job well and the people aren’t ass hats, you usually get these kinds of tips. Usually, if the patron was/is a server, they will add a little extra as a “I feel your pain” bonus.

Tips you should learn from: No I’m not talking about ones like “Never pet a burning dog” (1 internet to anybody who can tell me the game reference). I’m talking about the tips that seem to be purposefully insulting. Like when they leave pennies or something like this.

perhaps I should learn from this... nah.

perhaps I should learn from this… nah.

A tip like this is usually reserved for when the patron had a terrible experience. Now admittedly, there are people who have no idea what all goes on behind the scenes to get them their food. The issue could have been with the kitchen, but normally, it’s either the kitchen or more likely the server’s fault. Not as I said before, I did the job for a bit. I understand that you have bad shifts and sometimes you just get slammed and just can’t seem to catch up. tips like this in those circumstances shouldn’t necessarily speak to your abilities. But they kind of do. Your ability to handle tough situations and stress in a way that leaves the customer none the wiser to your blight IS part of your job. Again, they came to have a good time, not watch you struggle the entire meal. But if you did your usually routine and you got that tip…. that should tell you it’s time to either buck up and get better, or find a different job.

the $2 tips: Every server dreads these. Those tips in most cases are the most insulting of them all. Mainly because it doesn’t matter how well you did, or how perfect everything was. You got shafted by some F**K face who’s too stupid and inconsiderate to tip like a human being. In situations when I’m paying and the 15% is $2 (rarely but it happens) I will pay more JUST to NOT be that guy.

The Bandersnatch guard dog: You thought I was gonna say unicorn kisses didn’t you? Well then you don’t know me at all. Back on topic, these tips are the ones where the customer is way too rich and knows it so they do things like give you a $1000 tip to help finish paying for that vacation you’ve been saving up for. Those rarely if ever really happen so take it with a grain of salt.

Now on to the next point (I know it’s dragging but I have a lot to say one it, but thanks for hanging in there with me). After a while, servers can usually get a pretty good idea of how you’re going to tip before they ever approach the table based on a few things such as 1:how you dress/present yourself 2:if you have kids and their approximate age 3: how you act 4: what race you are. Now let me clarify this one. i’m not saying that white servers will spit in other race’s food. I’m just saying that in my entire serving career and talking to every other server I’ve ever known, there’s a reason nobody aside from single black mother servers want to wait on a black family that isn’t dressed nice, not NICE, but nice. I hate to say it, but if you don’t like the stereotype 1: there’s a reason there is one and 2: maybe you should try to break the mold. So I will admit, servers will pay more attention to the tables that they think have a better chance of giving them bigger tips and not pay as much attention to the tables they think won’t tip well. I am a perfect example of this. My wife, child and I like to go out to eat. Not because my wife is a bad cook, we just like to go have a good time. At any rate, we don’t dress really nice, normally jeans and T-shirts with a 7 year old. We fall into the category of “they aren’t going to tip well and the kid is going to make a huge mess I have to clean up” when servers first look at us. So it’s fairly normal for us to get put towards the bottom of the “gotta take care of them” ladder. The fun part is, we are usually ridiculously certain that our kid is well behaved and doesn’t make a mess. and we aren’t hard to deal with. We give our orders, wait for the food, chat quietly, pay and leave. But seeing as how both my wife and I have been servers in the past, we know the drill and we know what’s going on. Also, I am fortunate enough to have a fairly well paying job, so we have the money to tip in the “pushing REALLY good” range. With that said, we have a few restaurants we like to go to, like, 3 of them. So we go to each of them a lot. After a few times of going, we start getting AWESOME service. The servers chat with us, they get things pushed through for us, they do things that they don’t normally do for other customers (like make sure they put EXTRA cheese on the food and stuff like that. Not lap dances… perv). So after a few times of going we start having amazing times at those places and they are always happy to see us.

So in closing, tips are split into two categories. If you are passing through somewhere or have no intention of making it a regular spot, then tips should strictly be a report card of the service rendered to you. The second is if it’s a place you go to a lot or would like to go to a lot, then it is both a report card of service AND a down payment on the quality of future visits. I hope you all have a great day/night/lunar cycle. Keep smackerating those like and follow buttons and tell your friends and family (except grandma… she must never know). So join the tribe and keep watching for more posts. Cannibal out!

I’m going to be a dad (again)

Well hello again friends. It’s been, oh I’d say about a week since my last update. I say that because it has in fact been a week since my last update. “But Cannibal, it’s been like a week and a day since you up…” SHUT UP I KNOW! Geez, people around here, am I right? At any rate, I hope you can guess what this blog post is going to be about. What? mystical artifact? Yes, I found an ancient artifact that will grant it’s possessor mighty and magical powers. You want to know where to find one too? Well you must go on an arduous quest that will take you through the weeping cavers of Balorn Guhl. Then you must proceed to the desolate castle of Armand Ganesh. There you must complete the vampire’s test and become the leader of an indigenous peoples. THEN my friend, they will take you to the hollowed trunk of the speaking willow. Inside you will be asked 3 questions. Answer wrong and you will be pulled down into the roots to be devoured for a thousand years. Answer correctly and you will be given the magical artifact you seek. What? The answers to the questions? I DON’T KNOW, THEY CHANGE EVERY TIME!! Now shoo SHOO! Whew! Now that they’re gone we can continue.

I'm sure he'll figure it out.

I’m sure he’ll figure it out.

To the original point, I found out suspiciously close to a week ago that My wife is pregnant with our second child. Some of you may be a bit smarter than the last fellow who interrupted and be thinking “But aren’t you gone for 2 weeks at a time?” and the answer is yes. Then you may continue with “So doesn’t that give you two pretty small windows of opportunity?” Again yes. “So is it possible that she….” I will stab you in the neck with a blunt object if you continue that train of thought. “Sounds good, continue please.” thank you. So yes, I am only home 1 out of 3 weeks, so that in turn put a bit of a scheduling kink in the process. Also add on that there were a couple medical issues rearing their stupid heads for 7 years that made getting pregnant nearly impossible… we had a challenge in front of us. A daunting, hellish, expensive challenge ahead of us. If you want to know how expensive, I will honestly tell you I have no idea how much money we spent trying to get things straightened out. It’s been so much over 7 years with doctor visits, missing work, ER visits, various medications, a couple surgeries and a barrel of procedures that I literally have no idea how much it has cost us. I can only assume it’s been in the tens of thousands. And it was ALL worth it. Though as expensive as it’s been, the cost doesn’t even compare to the emotional cost we paid. Seeing couple after couple get pregnant without the slightest of problems. A couple friends that had the same “issue” getting pregnant all willy nilly, multiple times (each)…. It takes a hard toll. Seeing all of that going on and just wanting one more child. It’s hard. It strained our marriage in multiple ways for years but now we finally have the results we have been hoping for! I’m going to be a DAD…. again. Yeah, we already had one kid and he’s amazballs. Though now we will have two (or maybe more, who knows, twins sneak up in both sides of the family) and I have to sat I uber stoked. I’m so looking forward to holding that baby against my chest that I can barely wait. Just to hear it breathe, see it’s face and feel it’s tiny hands in mine…. WHEW!!! chills. anyways, The fact that this is even happening kind of makes me wish for a boy. Not because I’m a terrible person, but because i’m a child at heart and want to tell everyone the tale of my newest son squiggling his way through the perils and death traps to the ultimate prize. dragging his other half from the bowels of my wife’s innards and marching towards their new home where they would merge into one and defeat the dragon of doubt that laid coiled in the womb all these years. And for that reason I will hereby refer to my “bits” as the thunder rod. “Ew, Cannibal. why would you call it that?” Because Thunder rod sounds badass and those bits ARE badass, ergo, thunder rod. So now that that’s out of the way, I think we can all move on with our lives.

Don’t worry, I won’t be filling this blog up with random posts of BS pregnancy stuff. There won’t be any blogs on “unborn baby farts”……… ok maybe that one, cause who doesn’t want to hear about unborn baby farts? Anyways, the posts will continue more along my usual “style”. So have a good one guys and gals. Go ahead and if you wouldn’t mind stabbing that follow button/link/portal to the dark dimension and join the tribe. Also, tell your friends about this lovely place. We have brownies!! or is it meat pies….? ANYWHO, we have tasty things! Bye yal!

My peculiar style of luck

Looking over a couple previous posts (cause that’s how I drive my number up…. not really, I don’t’ think it counts me) I realized that there’s been a few things that I’ve made off-handed comments about and then in parentheses (<-these bad boys->) mentioned that I should post on them. Well today I’m making good on one of those ever-so-forgettable little quips. I decided to make my first…. sub post idea post about my peculiar style of luck. Many of you may think that there are just 3 types of luck :Good luck :Bad luck :No luck. I’m here to tell you that there is a myriad of forms of luck and I have one of them. Not only do I have odd luck, but my luck has decided to take on various forms depending on the situation at hand. Before We go any further, I’d like to speak with Murphy’s Law “Yes Cannibal what is it?” Just because I’m talking about my luck… please don’t make it all terrible and replace my personal luck (which I have grown to find interesting) with terrible luck. “Too bad Cannibal… awful luck for you from here on out.” Thanks Murphy… really appreciate it. At any rate, Since I’ve been blogging I’ve been trying to be more attentive to the things going on around me in my daily life. I’ve even been delving into memories from long ago to try to drudge up only the greatest golden tid bits from my life and experience for you. Obviously in doing so, I’ve become quite the internet sensation (I don’t know if you’ve heard yet… but I’m kind of a big thing now *cricket cricket*) Oh you don’t think so? Well would a nobody have a graph!? Math, bitches!!!

check out that bitches part.... it's in there...... somewhere

check out that bitches part…. it’s in there…… somewhere

Yeah, that’s what I thought, can we move on now? “For f_@#’s sake YES Cannibal! Let’s go!!” Ok ok… I will, but it’s because I want to, not because you got all grouchy… grouchy pants. I’ve split up my luck into it’s main categories for easier/whatever reading.


crossing my fingers: Think to the last few times you’ve crossed your fingers in hopes of improving your luck. Not when you did it as a joke or just a gesture, I mean really did it and meant it. Perhaps you were watching a big game with your favorite team in it and wanted them to make that goal/touchdown/bulls eye/Uno. Did you cross one pair of fingers or two or maybe even more? Did you cross your toes too? How about arms or legs? did you cross your eyes? You DID? That’s just foolish, your eyes obviously have no bearing on your luck if crossed…. silly person you. Well some of you may not remember because you either A: have better things to do than remember your luck crossing routine or B: don’t pay that much attention. The point is, I kept track of that crap. I made a little mental note about how my luck went each time and if I was crossing something and how many pairs there were. Do you know what I found out? Of course not, you aren’t a wizard! I found out that I could only cross ONE set of fingers to gain any sort of marginal benefit. It I crossed more than one set f fingers (or anything else) then I was screwed, no good luck for me. I never went to the wise man on the mountain top (mainly because I grew up in Louisiana and there were no mountains) to find out the deeper meaning behind it. I just chalked it up to the grammatical “double negative” rule. For those of you who aren’t familiar with the double negative rule (whether you’re young/dumb or aren’t from an english speaking country cause I’m so famous now) I’ll give you the run down. If you said something like ‘I don’t not like ice cream’ What you really said was ‘I like ice cream’ because… who cares, this is about luck, not english. Google that shit if you want to know about it. Some of you may think “well a double positive is still a positive if not even more positive”. Normally I would agree with you Though I had to explain it to myself this way. By crossing your fingers you aren’t saying you want good things. In fact, you are saying that you don’t want bad things to happen (sort of like crossing your fingers when you lie to not be held accountable to it). So my my hands saying ‘I don’t not want X bad thing to happen’, I’m jinxing myself. So there you have it.

Socially awkward situations: I will be socially awkward, just give it a minute, I’m probably saving up for a good one. If for no other reason that my face will revolt against me and make some terribly contorted caricature of a child molester trying to blend in

I have candy!!!!

I have candy!!!!

Let me be perfectly clear… I don’t always have candy with me. OH! and I’m not a child molester…. definitely not one of those guys.

Driving: My luck with driving goes through phases. Some times I’m a driving machine that will avoid every minuscule pebble and spec of sand on the road, other times I can’t stop pegging every pot whole I see (and the ones I don’t). BUT!! with that being said, I always have an overriding luck  behind the wheel. I always seem to avoid terrible and/or life threatening situations (unless I’m in a situation where my next form of luck takes over). I have been driving down the road and had a herd of deer jump out, run alongside the vehicle and literally jump over the hood. I’ve swerved to miss cars in on-coming traffic. I’ve swerved to miss large objects randomly in the road or even thrown into the road by wind and the like.  For some reason times appears to slow down and the vehicle responds with the utmost of ease, wanting me to look like a bad ass.

Horrible/dangerous situations: My luck will always put me in terrible situations. It loves to watch me flail and scream my way right past death’s face and then land me safely on the other side and laugh. For instance. One time when I had just finished high school, I took a tiny road trip to visit my girlfriend (now my awesome wife). On the way back I was ran off the road by a girl playing with her radio (I remember the car in pain-staking detail and even the radio station sh changed it to as my wheels dropped off he pavement. As I fought to regain control (after fish tailing a couple times in a 89 Bronco2 which is REALLY hard to not die doing) the back wheel blew out and it rolled over onto the roof and slid roughly 150 yards, upside down, sideways down one of the busiest interstates in north Louisiana.  In said vehicle I had a spare tire, tire iron, car jack, toolbox full of tools, 4-7 pocket knives (they bread in the truck, I had no idea where they kept coming from), a Halloween mask, a 2×4, tons of broken glass and god knows how much in change. So as you can see, it was pretty easy for me to get injured. The truck rested on a bridge that was about 20 feet tall or so and perfectly sideways in the fast lane. I hadn’t touched any other vehicles nor had they touched me. The roof was crushed down to the tops of the seats.

Not the inside of my truck but still same type and year model

Not the inside of my truck but still same type and year model

Keep in mind that I was 6’1 when that happened. The driver door was folded at about a 45 degree angle starting at the window going into the truck at me. As far as how I fared. I had a carpet burn on my shoulder and a cut on my knee that needed 4 stitches from crawling over broken glass (they only stitched it because it was on the bend of the knee). I wasn’t even sore the next day, no post traumatic stress…. nothing. Another example. I was trimming my mother-in-law’s hedges with her brand new electric hedge trimmers. I had just finished my last cut and my wife, mother-in-law and son were all standing around admiring my awesome work. I was leaning over the bushes cutting on the backside. When I finished, I picked the trimmers up and let go of the switch and switch handle completely (as not to accidentally press it). I was still holding it by the guide handle on top though. To keep from smacking the newly trimmed bushes I spun the trimmers in mid air to bring it by my side to rest. Though someone said something to me and when I turned my head to respond, I didn’t realize that the brand new safety switch had stuck and the trimmers were still running and *POP POP* I hit my right index finger with a set of running hedge trimmers.  I immediately pulled the trimmers away and almost hit my kid in the face with them (thank god I didn’t) and set them down. Looking at my finger…. it looked bad… like…… REALLY bad. I just knew I had hit the main vein or the tendon or something.  I’m going to show the pic, if you are queasy, just keep scrolling.

Yeah, those are fat "bubbles"

Yeah, those are fat “bubbles”

Turned out that I had missed pretty much everything except, you know, my finger. I missed the main vein, I missed the tendon, I missed the joint. They just stitched it up and sent me on my merry way.

and they called that "fixed"

and they called that “fixed”

I somehow have the ability to be walking down the street,  trip into a building that is abut to be demolished. While inside the explosions would be raining down debris and recently misplaced and angry Honey Badgers. I would wind up under a pile of rubble for an hour, being jabbed by tetanus riddled nails. Though I would somehow climb out with a hang nail and a sore ankle from the trip.  I don’t get it.

poor balance/tripping: If I’m about to fall there is something I can do to stop it. No it’s not be more agile or “slinky like a kitty cat”. When I lose my balance and are about to fall, if I make ridiculous and embarrassing  (preferably high pitched) noises, I can usually pull out of it and be fine. Not only that, but the more people there are around to hear me (especially pretty women), the better it works. So in short, if I’m alone and begin to fall… I’m going down, regardless of noises made. If I’m in a room full of people, including pretty women, and a girly squeal and flail my arms a bit to get everyone’s attention, I’ll be fine. I won’t fall.

Every time

Every time

So in conclusion, My luck is an asshole who loves to see me in terrible/embarrassing situations. So in retort, I’ve become that guy who’s always weird, but is totally the more awesome due to it.  Hope you all have had a good time peeking into my world and enjoyed what you saw. Again, follow the page, share this with your friends and keep on keeping on. Lets see if we can get 50 followers, we’re already at just over 10. Have a good one everybody!!

Life as an oilfield worker (Part 2)

If there is one thing you need to understand about life as an oilfield worker, it’s that we are all tired…. ALL THE TIME!! I mean, there isn’t enough sleep or hot tubs  in the world to compensate for how tired you are. Imagine getting the crap kicked out of you for at least 12 hours a day, 14 days straight. No weekends, no 9-5, just ass whoopings, all day. Now I admittedly have one of the more easy jobs in the oilfield and I still feel tired all of the time. I work on a 2 weeks on, 1 week off schedule. So during your weeks on while you peruse around facebook and the like you keep seeing people making posts like “Oh it’s Thursday, I’m so ready for the weekend!! YOLO sauce TGIF #witmuhbitvhes #lolz #drunkenstupor #hashtag #ican’trememberhowtofunctionlikeanormalperson-sincefacebookandhashtagsbecameathing”and all you can think is “I still have 10 more days of work… 12 hour days. you get off at 5 every day when you only get to work at 8 AM. I’ve been at work for at least 2 hours when first wake up and I can’t leave for another hour.   If you were standing here I would transplant your liver with a rabid house cat using a rusty spork.” I see people on facebook during the winter from back in my home state post things like “It was 27 degrees today and my wipers froze to the windshield, FML.” Every time I see that I want to yell at them “I’VE BEEN LIVING IN A VAN FOR THE LAST WEEK IN -50 DEGREES!!! I STOOD ON TOP OF A CONEX FOR AN HOUR TRYING TO SOLDER A WIRE TOGETHER! I NEARLY SHIT MYSELF JUST TO FEEL SOMETHING WARM!” Some of you may know  fairly well what an “e-tech” is and does. If you ask a non-e-tech what an e-tech is, they will normally tell you that e-techs are the laziest bastards at their job and don’t do a damn thing. The beautiful thing about being an e-tech, is if you do your job during down times and while the rest of the employees are taking breaks or down for maintenance, you job gets really easy really quick. The way e-techs look at their job is this “If I’m working, it’s because your equipment is broken, and if your equipment is broken, the company isn’t making any money off of it and they do NOT like that. So if I’m not working, the bosses are overall happy”. Honestly, it’s a great gig. At any rate, lets say that the job goes hella good. Let’s say that I didn’t have a single issue to look at during my normal 24 hour shift (yes you read that right. I normally work 24 hour shifts, with paperwork on either side, so it’s really closer to 32 most of the time). By the time I get off work, I’m completely wiped out. Granted, I’m a bad@$$ motherf*#%er and can hold it together long enough to get back to mancamp, eat dinner, shower, have a chat and talk to the wife and kid before going to bed so I can wake up in a few hours to do it all over again… For 2 weeks straight.  Now after all of that, when my week off come around, I’m ready to go home and see my family. Then the tables turn. When I check facebook and see people bitching about their jobs I can’t help but think “I’ve been off work for (x) days and don’t have to go back until Monday… What saps!” That time off gives me time to go do things like camping and explore the wilderness, of my bed, and sleep like a hibernating grizzly bear (see, the wilderness thing came around). Though as difficult as it is to work 32 hour shifts for two weeks straight. I do it happily. Living in a van sucks pretty bad, but I do it happily. The worst part about working in the oilfield is not seeing my family for 2 weeks straight. Don’t get me wrong. With modern technology like, texting, cellphones, skype (mostly skype), I can still SEE them from time to time, but it’s just not anywhere the same as being able to hug your wife and kid. It doesn’t keep your heart from being ripped out every time you have to be strong and walk away from the ones you love more than anything. It makes you feel like a heartless monster. It makes you feel cold and dead inside. The comradery  and friends you make in the oilfield are great guys you’d take a bullet for (ok, probably not quite THAT good, but you get the point), they even become something of a surrogate family while you’re gone. But your heart knows they aren’t the ones you really want to be with. The ones you want to be with are all back home, living a life you wish you could live and can, for a third of your time. Like I said in my last oilfield worker post. This life is one of the most difficult things I’ve ever had to explain. So it may take a few tries to convey the real truth behind it all.


I know this is a small break from what has been my norm, but I felt like it needed to be said. I can’t be that crazy fella all the time. I feel like you all deserve for me to be real and down to earth at least  SOME times. Though don’t let this post fool you. More greatness and shenanigans are on the cusp of… the proverbial horizon. I’ll see you all again next time. Cannibal out!