Science Doesn’t care (about your feelings)

I know I know I know, I’ve been out for a while. had a lot of things going on in my life. God a new job, moved to a new state, stuff stuff stuff happened. ya know how it is. At any rate, I’ve been spending a lot of time on Youtube and Facebook and finding a rather disturbing trend starting to rear it’s ugly head. It’s the science of feelings. no not psychology, or psychiatry even. No no no, those would be too nice and reasonable and normal. I’m talking about the worst case of feelings science.

isg

The original image belongs to “The Oatmeal” He’s totally awesome and you should go check him out at http://www.theoatmeal.com

Now  I’m of the mindset that as long as you’re not hurting anyone and it’s not illegal… go ahead. It’s none of my business in general. But this has gotten to the point that it’s infecting others in the world and it seriously needs to stop. “But Cannibal…” I’m going to stop you right there. No, I don’t give a shit about anybody’s feelings and neither does science. So you just sit there and drag your eyes along this here post and get you some learnin’.

The thing that finally pushed me into writing this was a video coming from the lovely(ish… I think? Probably not) land of Cape Town university in…  Cape Town. It’s probably no the ACTUAL  name of the university but I don’t care and it’s not super important. Essentially the article title said that people think that science is racist and should be shut down”….. hu?” EXACTLY! One of the greatest things about science is it ISN’T RACIST! Gravity doesn’t care what color your skin is. Gravity is gravity no matter what! light works the same for everything regardless of your cultural background.

yfjgrfkjg

This is not a thing…

 

In the ancient times many Scandinavians believed that a solar eclipse was a giant wolf eating the sun and if they yelled enough they could scare off the wolf and the sun would return. Granted… that does sound pretty awesome, but it’s not true! We know what a solar eclipse is and it’s totes not a giant sky wolf running around eating stars

roigfytg

OM NOM NOM STARS!!

Why do we know that’s crazy today? SCIENCE!!! In the video I watched from the Cape Town college it was a group of students addressing the science faculties. In their argument they said that in a certain part of Africa, they believe that you can use magic to make a lightning bolt hit someone. then she asked the science guy how to explain ti scientifically to which he replied “you can’t” and they started to lose their minds.

Now I will fully admit that there are things that science can’t explain right now and that’s totally fine! Science isn’t the be all end all of everything. Science used to think that the earth was flat, but then more science happened and they said “um.. so yeah, ya know all that stuff we said about the earth being flat? It’ actually round AF.” and that’s AWESOME! Science isn’t somebodies opinion. It may start out that way but then the rest of science is like “hey, maybe we should look into this whole raspberries will explode if you dunk them in warm water thing” then they go and dunk raspberries into warm water, see that they don’t explode and say “yeah, we did the whole dunking raspberries in warm water thing and they didn’t explode. We even tossed them in, pushed them in, set them in, tied them to a rock and sank them in, poured the water over them… no explodies…. they don’t do that.” And then we all learn something! And on the other side of science some guy has a bowl of super heated oil, minding his own business, tosses a frozen turkey in it and BAM! the whole thing explodes. Then the rest of science gets together and says “we should figure that out. So they get some super hot oil in a big pot and start tossing stuff in. frozen turkeys, thawed turkeys, see that only the frozen one exploded and say “hmmmm”. then just try ice in the oil and BLAM! explosion and they say with singed eyebrows and charred flesh. “It’s the ice… ice and super hot oil do NOT get along….”

 

The student in the video made the point that it’s unfair that newton saw the apple fall from the tree, make some equations and then the whole world has to follow his theory of gravity… I’m serious, she said that. She even went so far as to say things like (paraphrased) “people who have never met newton, never seen him or know of him now have to follow his law of gravity” Like he personally went up to the universe, God, Allah,  Neil Degrasse Tyson and just tossed them his made up math and said “here ya go.. this is gravity now. use it bitches.”

10227523

I’m sure that’s how it went down….

no! he did tons of math, scratched his balls a few times… did some more math. took it to other people who knew math, they tried it out. Agreed, he told the world (as best he could at the time) and the other people around the world (that saw it) tried it out too and it WORKED! So they said “Yeah, this seems cool. We’ll use this for the rest of time until proven wrong” that’s how science works people! you don’t get to just run around all willy nilly and decide that science isn’t true because you’re a moron who doesn’t get it. I don’t understand math very well. that doesn’t mean that when someone says to me “the square root of 33 is 5.74 blah blah blah” I don’t get to say “nope! the square root of 33 is root beer and tree waffles because I feel like it”. ya know who does that crap? kids! They PRETEND to be super heroes or whatever and one kid says “bang! your dead” and the other one says “NU UH!! I have on a super protective armor that makes me invisible (they meant invincible but they’re dumb kids, what can you do?). I’m actually over there” and when the first kid looks over, the second kid punches them in the throat and runs off… It’s make believe, it’s not real, it’s not science!

And the thing that really got the ball rolling on this post wasn’t even the science thing It’s a few other things that aren’t quite related enough to put in this post so I’ll have to make new ones for those too! (I know you’re all super excited to read those). Geez people… come on… can we please not revert back to the dark ages where we try to drown a woman with the criteria of “If she swims she’s a witch and we’ll chop her head off. if she drowns… oops”….. I’m seriously getting to the point where I don’t want to live on this planet anymore.

Don’t just look but see something.

It’s a  phrase in my family that my dad used to say all the time. I’ll admit that I didn’t understand it’s meaning for a long time. Though it wasn’t until the time that he started teaching me to drive that I began to truly see it’s meaning. “Whoa whoa whoa.. Dude, you can’t just bail on us and then show back up like… months later! Cannibal, where have you been?!” Oh, that’s odd. I didn’t know that the title of this blog post was “where I’ve been for the last… months. Maybe because it’s NOT! So sit down and in the words of mr Freeze… “chill”

EEEAAAARLGLAAAAEEEEELLLLLRRRRG!!!

EEEAAAARLGLAAAAEEEEELLLLLRRRRG!!!

Now back to what I was saying…. OH YEAH! driving. So anyways, When he started teaching me how to drive he taught me to look around and see what was happening. And of course by “taught” I of course mean “pounded it into my thick skull (verbally) like a giant jackhammer a hokey batman villain would use”. He taught me to look at the wheels of cars to see if it were moving (a pretty funny story attached to that tid bit. I’ll tell you later), to look far down the road at things that MIGHT become an issue later and to look through trees and bushes for vehicles that might be approaching from a side street (because vehicles hide in foliage like tiny woodland creatures. That’s legit, my pa taught me that!).

SHH SHH! He's coming...

SHH SHH! He’s coming…

And I will say that it has helped me out a TON in my driving life (since I do so much driving for work). But my driving life isn’t on trial here so I’ll move on.

As my life progressed I began to realize that his little saying
“Don’t just look, see something” held greater power. I used it to begin noticing things that many people missed. Granted, I’ll admit I’m no Sherlock Holmes (though I sometimes feel like it) but it just makes life a ton easier if you can look around you and see what’s actually happening.I realize that you might be looking forward to some sort of anecdote or silly, 5 part harmony story to go along with this. But that’s foolish talk. Of course I have a couple stories I COULD  tell, but I’m just getting back into this thing… Don’t wanna pull a muscle. So instead I will opt to leave you simply with this. “Don’t just look, but see”. Pay attention to the world around you and you will begin to notice things that you never saw before. You’ll begin to see how people tick and think, then life REALLY gets fun. Being an aloof fool is a terribly boring life. But noticing things and learning from them makes like wonderful and fun. Well I should probably be going. I’ve been at this for a few hours now… I know, it’s sad but roll with it. More to come (soon, I hope).

Oilfield people

I’d like to apologize yet again for the lengthy absence from the blog. I’ve had a lot going on recently with…. Alright I didn’t have much going on I’m just lazy ok? There I admitted it.  At any rate I’d like to just plow into this post due to the fact that I had a coffee filled cup of sugar a couple hours ago to make sure I wouldn’t wreck and die on my way home (man camp) so I need to pound this out before my nervous system shuts down from sugar overload.

There are people in the oilfield.There I said it, have a good night….. Wait hold on… My producer is telling me that there was more to this post. So apparently I can’t just say that there are people in the oilfield and leave it at that.. So let’s continue eh?

First off, I’m a people watcher. Always have been. Though not only am I a people watcher, I like to make funny/ridiculous observations about them while I’m doing it. I don’t just look at one type f person either. So don’t worry, I’m not creeping around Williston ND looking for 5’9 brunette women with olive skin tone, french nails and matching fuschia nails and lipstick. I watch everyone equally. Which I will admit, has gotten me into trouble a few times. Though, I would also like to add to that that I’ve seen some hilarious stuff while people watching. So now that that is squared away we can really get this thing going.

THE WORKERS: So you’e aware no, not everybody that works in the actually works IN the oilfield. They may work for Walmart, or NAPA or any other store and not have anything to do directly with actually going out and ripping mother earth’s rich, black life blood from her veins to be sold for profit… That sounded a bit dark… oh well, continue. The people I’m talking about are those men who do go out and murder mamma earth on a daily basis (ok seriously, nobody is murdering mother earth, it just sounds funny so get over it). Granted, their work is hard and dirty and disgusting for several long, grueling hours a day. These men are MEN.. They spit like men, they walk like men, they work like men, but they look and smell like something became sentient and crawled out of a trash pit filled with oilfield waste, soiled rags and discarded animal teeth. They look GROSS! They smell gross, they act gross but they all seem to have this mentality that every women in the nearby vicinity should be and are ogling them and giggling their praises to all the other women… That’s not happening…. Not at all. The women are laughing at that ridiculously moronic bounce/hobble/trot walk these guys do, the tracks of filth they leave, the mouth they leave agape that looks like gingivitis has been holding bomb raids on for the last decade and the tattered rags they call clothes. Though none of these workers seem to notice. It’s like they have no idea how bad they look in public on a regular basis. Now don’t get me wrong, not every single oilfield worker looks like Otis, the town oil rag but a large portion of them do and it’s gross. At any rate, These guys think that they look so good, that they might as well be wearing a Gucci suit and have the keys to a Learjet.

Not so much mr sir... nor so much

Not so much mr sir… nor so much

THE CIVILIANS: These people are just like the regular people in your city or town or village or community or whatever the hell you call where you live. They dress normal, they act normal. If you were to pic a generic human to stick in a petting zoo, that would be the type of person you would choose. Very bland and regular and hopefully won’t bite children.

THE WOMEN: Well if there’s one thing just about every single (single as in not dating or married) guy in the oilfield would tell you, it’s that woman are in DRASTICALLY short supply. I’m not worried about it personally, I’m married and spoken for but to see what happens is often HILARIOUSLY awful. I mean, I’m not the kind of guy who says that “men have needs” and therefore women should be willing to take care of those “needs” at the drop of a hat… No, that’s crap. I feel really bad for the woman in this town, I seriously do. Unless they’re strippers or hookers, then I don’t feel bad for them, they chose that crap. I mean they just have to know that any time they go anywhere, nearly every set of eyes will be immediately ripped from what it was doing to be glued onto them until no longer possible. It’s creepy to see it happen and it’s also pretty funny to see too. Mainly the looks on the other people’s faces when they don’t think anybody is looking.

MEN DEALING WITH WOMEN: I’ll go ahead and warn you that I’m going to be using a lot of pics and gifs from Top Gear, mainly because I’ve been watching a ton of it lately and also because these are blog image GOLD!!!. Anyways. Lets say that during the day some oilfield worker guy has to go to the store and get some stuff. Let’s also say that this particular store has people who work there that have to assist you in your endeavors in order for you to get the things you need. Let’s ALSO say that one of these workers is a woman. So the guy walks in, the woman approaches him and asks if she can assist him in finding anything. The man say yes, tells her what he needs and she turns to lead this fellow to the items or the parts desk to find such items. I can not tell you how many times I have literally seen the guy turn to one of his buddies and make this EXACT face.

IT'S A GIRL!!!!!

IT’S A GIRL!!!!!

Yeah.. Cause she’s gonna get you that part and then shove everything off the counter and let you have your way with her right then and there. She’s SOOOOO hot for you right now. Cause When she saw all that grease and filth all over you, and when she fund out you were here to buy a 6 foot pry bar and torque wrench, she got soooooooo turned on by you… Come on dude. At best you’ll get a smile, a look in the eyes like a normal human being and POSSIBLY a fractional touch of her hand as she hands you the crap…..

It’s great when I guy sees a pretty girl walking… anywhere. They completely lose their mind. It’s like they have lost all mental capabilities to restrain themselves and act like non-feral house cats in heat. The looks on their faces are the best. If you don’t get a weird, wrinkled duck face, a blank stare or a knuckle biting you get this.

Yep... just like that

Yep… just like that

And lord help them if the girl will actually say anything or acknowledge the guy’s presence. Generally they’ve gone so long without any female presence, much less communication, they generally get the most ridiculous grin across their face.

God help him

God help him

THEN, if by some miracle the female doesn’t run away in fear of the creepy guy who will probably skin her and wear her flesh as a jump suit, they start talking… It get’s even better. Once again the guy has gone so long without any female contact (not just physical people… don’t be pervs) that his brain completely short circuits and produces spastic, pseudo-flirting that makes no sense. He’s clearly just trying to say anything but “Would you please have sex with?”. Which usually winds up with faces that look like this.

don't look at her boobs, don't look at her boobs, don't look at her boobs

don’t look at her boobs, don’t look at her boobs, don’t look at her boobs

It’s comical to say the least. Well people I’m pretty sure my heart is giving out and my eyes are about to crash closed any second now So I will leave you with this. I hope you all have a great day/night/whenever you read this. Please come back, who knows? Maybe I’ll start getting these things out more regularly. Don’t forget to go ahead and smack that follow button, wherever it is, and join the tribe! See yall later. Good night.

THE TROUBLE WITH GETTING OLD

HELLO!! And welcome to another semi-kind of regularish installment of the Cannibal Corner! I’m your Dutiful host Cannibal… Just Cannibal, no catchy, hip name to go after it yet (but I’m open to suggestions). To post preface the post I would like to point out that I’m using a new keyboard and this may take me a while to get through. Granted, you the reader most likely won’t notice any such time delay in the traditional break neck speed at which I type so no worries. Just be warned that my already bad spelling could be exacerbated by this new-fangled contraption.  So let’s get going shall we?

I’ve said on multiple occasions that I’m quite looking forward to getting old. Old people seem to be doing pretty good at it, new medicines and procedures are coming out all the time and…. It means that you’ve survived that long. So win win win in my book. At any rate, I personally look forward to it because then I can do things like hide in my bushes during Halloween (or any other holiday for that matter) in the middle of the night, jump out and scare the neighborhood kids, and it’s all good because “he’s old and crazy, just leave him alone”. I can cuss out whoever I want with virtually NO repercussions. I can smack people and blame it on dementia. And wiping my own ass will be a thing of the past (alright, maybe not that one, but you get the point)! But with all those bonuses, perks, freebies and sweet sweet pudding, comes a dreadful payment. A payment that will surly cripple me and weigh it’s horrid wretches upon me. What is that curse you ask? Unruly toenails.

Now allow me, if you will, to preface the pre-post preface with a post pre-post after the beginning of the post post preface.

Don't make it weird bro

Don’t make it weird bro

I’ve seen a lot of old people feet. No I’m not some old people feet fetish person either. I had a job where I delivered medical equipment to old people who were in all practical purposes dying.

NO NOT LIKE THAT!!!

NO NOT LIKE THAT!!!

So as you can probably guess, I’ve seen some old people feet in my day. The thing is, Almost every single one of them (especially the men) had horrible, awfully unruly toenails. Don’t get me wrong, those old people were pretty awesome, but they all had issues with their feet, namely their toenails. THAT, my friends, is what really scares me about getting old. The horrid part is, you don’t have to be that old to start getting them either. Even now I’m beginning to see the start of toenail revolt! I’m sure that if left untreated, they could stage a coup and turn my feet into a toenail war zone! Some of you may still not be convinced. You may be thinking “Cannibal, bru (don’t use bru. It makes you sound like a souless bottle of hair bleach)… bro (better, continue) You need to chill. It can’t be all that bad. I mean, old skin is the really bad stuff.” Oh is it eh? Old toenails aren’t so bad?

BAM FOOOOOOOL!!!!

BAM FOOOOOOOL!!!!

Yeah… how about THAT!? That’s what I thought. Look, I’m sorry I had to do that but you clearly weren’t aware of the real issues.

SKARIKKITY-RIK-RIK BAAAAAAM!!!

SKARIKKITY-RIK-RIK BAAAAAAM!!!

…….. I don’t even think I need to finish this post. I think my point is made. But I’m not some A-hole like that, so I will. I guess getting a pedicure or something similar would be beneficial it turning back the tides of war in the toenail offensive. Hell, I’m pretty sure just jamming your feet under some rocks or in a fish tank for a few hours would help these people, but whatevs. Time marches on and is most likely visible in your toenail rings. And it may not even be that big of a deal by the time I get to that point. Maybe they’ll have invented some sort of Kevlar composite under-nail finishing cream or lazer guided ugly killing SCUD missiles… WHO KNOWS!? At any rate (I really do like that term don’t I…?) I think I’ve ranted enough for one evening. I hope you all have a great day/evening/night/morning/noon/afternoon/preferred period of the day cycle. Hope to see you again soon here in the corner… the Cannibal Corner.

STAB THE CHILDREN!!!!!! (or not, your choice)

As the title would lead you to believe we are, in fact, stabbing children. To be specific, small children. Not like 13-18, well maybe them too. Who knows right? I mean, stabbing children can be useful and even good for them. Well… some say stabbing children is bad for them. So some say stab all the kids as many as you can! While others say “Oh no!!! don’t stab the children!!! they’re tiny bodies!” Alright maybe not the tiny bodies bit but you get the idea. HEY!! I see you slowly reaching for your phone to call the cops on me. Don’t try to pull back now, I already saw it! Well yeah this topic sounds pretty morbid and awful… true, dead children is a terrible thing, wait… dead children? NO NO NO NO NO!!!!! vaccines!! Stab the children with vaccines! My goodness! Of course plunging a blade into a child is totes terribleez! Don’t do that. I would assume that somewhere suspiciously close to 99.9999% of people would agree that giving a child a pokey-punch all up a kid’s innards is quite possibly one of the most disgusting things ever… EVAR!!! What’s that? the .0001%? Oh, well I don’t personally know EVERYBODY’S feelings on the matter, gotta leave a little room for the weirdos and… never mind. Back to the topic at hand.

Giving kids vaccines. Is it a good idea or a bad idea? Well I already have a kid who has been vaccinated and one still on the assembly line. So some might say that I’m pro-stabbing… I mean vaccines. Pro-vaccines. When our son was born (me and my wife… not you and me… weirdo) he got his shots, sort of like a puppy of sorts. They pulled him out, slapped his ass and gave him a good sta…. vaccine cocktail, then tossed him over in a “hope you can catch” kind of way. Well it may seem weird to you but we do things differently where I’m from. That’s not legal anywhere…? Oh dear… so $20 for a birthing fee on the back docks of Walmart sounds sketchy? I knew I should have scheduled with the guy at Target… MUCH nicer facilities! Now that you mention it the guy did smell like gin and regret.

on the weekends he's a WIZARD!!!

on the weekends he’s a WIZARD!!!

But going back to the original topic, yes our son was not born at walmart, he was born in a hospital, by smart people who do that sort of crap every day in a very professional manner… sort of, but that’s a topic for another day. Yes I knwo that’s not the “original” topic but I had to clear that up first. ANY WAYS!!! Yes our son was vaccinated. Not because I love pumping chemicals and viruses into my son’s body, but we were told that (A) it was good for him and (B) he needed them to be able to go to school. So we did it. I trusted the doctors who do that kind of crap every day and all was well. Besides! I had my shots and I turned out…. well never mind that. Now he’s all grown up to the ripe old age of 7 (don’t tell me he’s not ripe, apples only take one year… ONE!!! He’s seven times riper than an apple so BLEH!!). 

The reason I picked this topic is because I’ve been seeing this topic flare up from time to time on my super awesome news feeds that certainly don’t come from facebook and other pass-by media….. ok it mostly is. But there was a news article in there somewhere so i’m a pseudo-expert-ish-type person. The main argument I hear is the fact that the vaccines have a ton (can you really fit a ton of anything in a syringe…? just asking) of chemicals in them that could be harmful to people, children in particular. I’ve also heard the argument that vaccines cause autism. On that note, I did a bit of research and found that roughly less than 1% of children ages 0-17 have NOT been vaccinated. Another quick search revealed that there are roughly 68.6 million children in the us this year in that age range. ANOTHER  quick search found that 1 in 88 children in the US are born with Autism. For those of you who are afraid of google or are terrible at math, that’s .01 with a few other numbers in there. So, of the 68.6 million children, roughly 1% are born with autism and 1% are NOT vaccinated. so the SAME number of children who are NOT vaccinated to children born with autism. Now i’m not saying that every non-vaccinated kid has autism. I’m just saying that the numbers don’t really help that case. 

The other case is that the chemicals and junk are terribleez (I like that word… terribleez… Just rolls off the tongue). Now I will admit that in most cases, random chemicals inside your body is a bad thing. BUT!!! These are no ordinary random chemicals. These are carefully selected random chemicals. “But carefully selected means that they aren’t random anymore…” SHUT YOUR FACE AND PAY ATTENTION!! Now I ask you this. What are two of the most deadly natural, non-radioactive elements? You may say “a lot of them” but that just shows that you’re not seeing where I’m going with this and should be quite and pay attention. The answer is Sodium and chlorine. Some of you may have already heard this argument raging on the interwebs (I just found out about it and I’m too far into tho turn back now) and rolling your eyes and saying “god not again!!!” but too bad, or you can skip ahead until I type in all caps “squiggly beard”. Then you’ll know it’s safe to return without being bothered by that old sodium and chlorine mess. As I was saying… what’s that? Am I going to really type that… not sure… It was pretty fun to type the first time. And think of the glory when it’s in all caps. Yelled out to bounce to and fro in the blog-o-sphere. Anyways, back on point. Sodium is a terribly deadly metal. It literally tries to explode when is contacts water…. really cool stuff. On the other hand, chlorine is another awfully deadly gas that will do everything in it’s power to kill every cell in your body. Just thought I would mention that chlorine has a super power… it has the ability to kill every cell it comes in contact with, and it can’t turn that off… so have fun with that. SO!! you take those two deadly monsters and you staple em together in sausage casing, shrink em down to minuscule particles, turn them into crystals and BAM!!! sodium chloride. Some of you may be thinking “that sounds familiar… where have I heard that before?” The answer (hopefully) is science class. Because sodium chloride is in fact also know as (AKA) salt… Yep, table salt. Two of the most deadly elements put together makes up something that your body NEEDS in order to function. Granted, too much salt is bad, but too much light is bad, too much water is bad, so on and so forth, clamp that noise making face hole shut. Moving on, some common chemicals in vaccines are Mercury (although it’s TECHNICALLY methylmurcury which is, not so good for you. Although it doesn’t stick around forever and it’s countered by omega-3 type fatty acids that are in a ton of things you eat all the time), ammonium sulphate (a salt that it deemed safe to consume by the FDA and the European FDA-type thing. It’s in flour and all kinds of stuff) and some other stuff and of course virus’, particularly the ones they’re trying to vaccinate you from. So if it’s a flu vaccine, it’s got the flu in it. granted, extremely weak and sometimes dead flu, but flu non the less.

SQUIGGLY BEARD!!!!!!!!

(that WAS fun) If you’e just returning… you might want to read the last little bit from the above paragraph. It’s ok I’ll wait….. No! We’re waiting…. just be patient. Back? Awesome! Let’s continue. So the thing many people are freaking out about are these chemicals. The thing is, some of the more scary one like methyl mercury and thimerosal haven’t been used since 2002 (as told by a quick search) and the ones they use now? For instance you’e allowed up to 1g of Streptomycin a day (not of each and every chemical, but that’s an average). The amount you get in a vaccine? Lets put it this way. All of the vaccines that a person will take in they’re life will total far less than…. 1g. So when they say “trace amounts” what they’re really saying is “we have to tell you it’s in here by law but in all reality, you’ll probably lick more of it out of a hooker’s crack than you will get from this”. don’t look hooker ass? It’s ok, I don’t either. How about… “you’ll probably eat more of it from just randomly touching stuff and touching your mouth thorough your life than you’ll get from these” Better? Good, let’s move on.

want some streptomycin honey?

want some streptomycin honey?

 

On to the the whole “there’s virus’ in vaccines”. It’s not really a big issue, but I decided to touch on it anyways. The fact that they are “virus'” in the vaccine is the EXACT reason it’s a vaccine! If it didn’t have them in there, it would just be some weird, not-so helpful shot of preservatives and stabilizers. Basically, it’s the medical world’s version of playing that really crappy team in town at football BEFORE the real season starts, just to make sure the team has all the kinks worked out. Yes, that crappy team can TECHNICALLY show you up or give you a few problems, but when you start playing those good teams, you’re ready. Yeah… it’s pretty much like that. your body kicks the crap out of the weaker, less-effective virus, so when you get exposed to the real deal, your body is all “PSHHH!!! I got this.” And then goes all BLAM POW THWACK like an awful 60’s batman cartoon or something.

JUST like that

JUST like that

so you’re welcome world, stop being scared of needs and take the shots.

 

Or don’t, It’s no big deal to me. Though I would like to know your thoughts. What do you think? Do you think I’m way off base and vaccines are just the government’s way of keeping us dumb, sterile and addicted to toddlers and tiaras? Or are they a good thing that help keep us safe and help the US stay as the country that has pretty much killed all of the virus’/diseases if it weren’t for those no-good, foot dragging louses in the rest of the world? Leave a comment and let me know. Also, be sure to subscribe and join the tiny (albeit hungry) tribe!

One last note, the Cannibal Corner has reached over 20 Followers!!! WOOT WOOT! I know, it’s not really a big deal but i’m excited! So keep on keeping on and have a good one.

My peculiar style of luck

Looking over a couple previous posts (cause that’s how I drive my number up…. not really, I don’t’ think it counts me) I realized that there’s been a few things that I’ve made off-handed comments about and then in parentheses (<-these bad boys->) mentioned that I should post on them. Well today I’m making good on one of those ever-so-forgettable little quips. I decided to make my first…. sub post idea post about my peculiar style of luck. Many of you may think that there are just 3 types of luck :Good luck :Bad luck :No luck. I’m here to tell you that there is a myriad of forms of luck and I have one of them. Not only do I have odd luck, but my luck has decided to take on various forms depending on the situation at hand. Before We go any further, I’d like to speak with Murphy’s Law “Yes Cannibal what is it?” Just because I’m talking about my luck… please don’t make it all terrible and replace my personal luck (which I have grown to find interesting) with terrible luck. “Too bad Cannibal… awful luck for you from here on out.” Thanks Murphy… really appreciate it. At any rate, Since I’ve been blogging I’ve been trying to be more attentive to the things going on around me in my daily life. I’ve even been delving into memories from long ago to try to drudge up only the greatest golden tid bits from my life and experience for you. Obviously in doing so, I’ve become quite the internet sensation (I don’t know if you’ve heard yet… but I’m kind of a big thing now *cricket cricket*) Oh you don’t think so? Well would a nobody have a graph!? Math, bitches!!!

check out that bitches part.... it's in there...... somewhere

check out that bitches part…. it’s in there…… somewhere

Yeah, that’s what I thought, can we move on now? “For f_@#’s sake YES Cannibal! Let’s go!!” Ok ok… I will, but it’s because I want to, not because you got all grouchy… grouchy pants. I’ve split up my luck into it’s main categories for easier/whatever reading.

 

crossing my fingers: Think to the last few times you’ve crossed your fingers in hopes of improving your luck. Not when you did it as a joke or just a gesture, I mean really did it and meant it. Perhaps you were watching a big game with your favorite team in it and wanted them to make that goal/touchdown/bulls eye/Uno. Did you cross one pair of fingers or two or maybe even more? Did you cross your toes too? How about arms or legs? did you cross your eyes? You DID? That’s just foolish, your eyes obviously have no bearing on your luck if crossed…. silly person you. Well some of you may not remember because you either A: have better things to do than remember your luck crossing routine or B: don’t pay that much attention. The point is, I kept track of that crap. I made a little mental note about how my luck went each time and if I was crossing something and how many pairs there were. Do you know what I found out? Of course not, you aren’t a wizard! I found out that I could only cross ONE set of fingers to gain any sort of marginal benefit. It I crossed more than one set f fingers (or anything else) then I was screwed, no good luck for me. I never went to the wise man on the mountain top (mainly because I grew up in Louisiana and there were no mountains) to find out the deeper meaning behind it. I just chalked it up to the grammatical “double negative” rule. For those of you who aren’t familiar with the double negative rule (whether you’re young/dumb or aren’t from an english speaking country cause I’m so famous now) I’ll give you the run down. If you said something like ‘I don’t not like ice cream’ What you really said was ‘I like ice cream’ because… who cares, this is about luck, not english. Google that shit if you want to know about it. Some of you may think “well a double positive is still a positive if not even more positive”. Normally I would agree with you Though I had to explain it to myself this way. By crossing your fingers you aren’t saying you want good things. In fact, you are saying that you don’t want bad things to happen (sort of like crossing your fingers when you lie to not be held accountable to it). So my my hands saying ‘I don’t not want X bad thing to happen’, I’m jinxing myself. So there you have it.

Socially awkward situations: I will be socially awkward, just give it a minute, I’m probably saving up for a good one. If for no other reason that my face will revolt against me and make some terribly contorted caricature of a child molester trying to blend in

I have candy!!!!

I have candy!!!!

Let me be perfectly clear… I don’t always have candy with me. OH! and I’m not a child molester…. definitely not one of those guys.

Driving: My luck with driving goes through phases. Some times I’m a driving machine that will avoid every minuscule pebble and spec of sand on the road, other times I can’t stop pegging every pot whole I see (and the ones I don’t). BUT!! with that being said, I always have an overriding luck  behind the wheel. I always seem to avoid terrible and/or life threatening situations (unless I’m in a situation where my next form of luck takes over). I have been driving down the road and had a herd of deer jump out, run alongside the vehicle and literally jump over the hood. I’ve swerved to miss cars in on-coming traffic. I’ve swerved to miss large objects randomly in the road or even thrown into the road by wind and the like.  For some reason times appears to slow down and the vehicle responds with the utmost of ease, wanting me to look like a bad ass.

Horrible/dangerous situations: My luck will always put me in terrible situations. It loves to watch me flail and scream my way right past death’s face and then land me safely on the other side and laugh. For instance. One time when I had just finished high school, I took a tiny road trip to visit my girlfriend (now my awesome wife). On the way back I was ran off the road by a girl playing with her radio (I remember the car in pain-staking detail and even the radio station sh changed it to as my wheels dropped off he pavement. As I fought to regain control (after fish tailing a couple times in a 89 Bronco2 which is REALLY hard to not die doing) the back wheel blew out and it rolled over onto the roof and slid roughly 150 yards, upside down, sideways down one of the busiest interstates in north Louisiana.  In said vehicle I had a spare tire, tire iron, car jack, toolbox full of tools, 4-7 pocket knives (they bread in the truck, I had no idea where they kept coming from), a Halloween mask, a 2×4, tons of broken glass and god knows how much in change. So as you can see, it was pretty easy for me to get injured. The truck rested on a bridge that was about 20 feet tall or so and perfectly sideways in the fast lane. I hadn’t touched any other vehicles nor had they touched me. The roof was crushed down to the tops of the seats.

Not the inside of my truck but still same type and year model

Not the inside of my truck but still same type and year model

Keep in mind that I was 6’1 when that happened. The driver door was folded at about a 45 degree angle starting at the window going into the truck at me. As far as how I fared. I had a carpet burn on my shoulder and a cut on my knee that needed 4 stitches from crawling over broken glass (they only stitched it because it was on the bend of the knee). I wasn’t even sore the next day, no post traumatic stress…. nothing. Another example. I was trimming my mother-in-law’s hedges with her brand new electric hedge trimmers. I had just finished my last cut and my wife, mother-in-law and son were all standing around admiring my awesome work. I was leaning over the bushes cutting on the backside. When I finished, I picked the trimmers up and let go of the switch and switch handle completely (as not to accidentally press it). I was still holding it by the guide handle on top though. To keep from smacking the newly trimmed bushes I spun the trimmers in mid air to bring it by my side to rest. Though someone said something to me and when I turned my head to respond, I didn’t realize that the brand new safety switch had stuck and the trimmers were still running and *POP POP* I hit my right index finger with a set of running hedge trimmers.  I immediately pulled the trimmers away and almost hit my kid in the face with them (thank god I didn’t) and set them down. Looking at my finger…. it looked bad… like…… REALLY bad. I just knew I had hit the main vein or the tendon or something.  I’m going to show the pic, if you are queasy, just keep scrolling.

Yeah, those are fat "bubbles"

Yeah, those are fat “bubbles”

Turned out that I had missed pretty much everything except, you know, my finger. I missed the main vein, I missed the tendon, I missed the joint. They just stitched it up and sent me on my merry way.

and they called that "fixed"

and they called that “fixed”

I somehow have the ability to be walking down the street,  trip into a building that is abut to be demolished. While inside the explosions would be raining down debris and recently misplaced and angry Honey Badgers. I would wind up under a pile of rubble for an hour, being jabbed by tetanus riddled nails. Though I would somehow climb out with a hang nail and a sore ankle from the trip.  I don’t get it.

poor balance/tripping: If I’m about to fall there is something I can do to stop it. No it’s not be more agile or “slinky like a kitty cat”. When I lose my balance and are about to fall, if I make ridiculous and embarrassing  (preferably high pitched) noises, I can usually pull out of it and be fine. Not only that, but the more people there are around to hear me (especially pretty women), the better it works. So in short, if I’m alone and begin to fall… I’m going down, regardless of noises made. If I’m in a room full of people, including pretty women, and a girly squeal and flail my arms a bit to get everyone’s attention, I’ll be fine. I won’t fall.

Every time

Every time

So in conclusion, My luck is an asshole who loves to see me in terrible/embarrassing situations. So in retort, I’ve become that guy who’s always weird, but is totally the more awesome due to it.  Hope you all have had a good time peeking into my world and enjoyed what you saw. Again, follow the page, share this with your friends and keep on keeping on. Lets see if we can get 50 followers, we’re already at just over 10. Have a good one everybody!!

This is why I’m fat (A look into my wife’s cooking)

I’m posting this topic because it was decided by the fates, and by fates I mean my wife posted a comment to the previous post that requested votes for the next topic (even though I bypassed it to talk about Kidz Bop last post). So if you don’t like this topic then you should have voted. “But Cannibal I didn’t read your amazeballs post and know about said voting scheme…”. Ain’t nobody got time for your excuses!!! Now lets start.

To begin with, I just spent the last 5-10 minutes creeping on facebook to find several pics of my wife’s delicious cooking to share with you all. As a second start, I should probably inform you a bit more about myself. “We know, you work in the oil field”. I SAID AINT NOBODY GOT TIME FOR YOUR… oh wait… never mind. *cough cough* ANYWAYS! I’m not a small person, lets just begin with that description. I would further aid your mental visuals by stating that I’m not “fat”. Would not go into the “I’m big boned (even though “technically” I am)”. I’m 6’2 and 320lbs. Yeah, I know that’s a lot, my knees don’t miss a chance to tell me, I don’t need to hear it from you too. Though i would still not consider myself “fat”. I would consider myself “festively plump”. More like, if I died in a terrible plane crash way up in the mountains (which I would totally survive) and there was no food around, the rest of the survivors could totally live off of my man flesh for a couple weeks (especially the long meat, if you catch my drift… NO! Not that, my thigh meat… Jeez people…. perverts, all of you). But I must add a note, I would definitely survive the  crash due to my luck (which I should post about some day) and I would not hesitate to serve up some ex-co-passenger for the next meal, purposefully saving all of the packaged and un-perishables (that’s the term for them right?) for later use. No, not because I’m a crazed madman looking for any excuse to eat people meat. I don’t know how long I would be up there trying to survive and that corpse meat aint gonna last forever. Gotta save the preserved stuff for AFTER the fresh meat is gone and we’re still not rescued yet. BAM FOOL!! logic, planning and resource management all up in your FACE!

yeah... I'll get the hell rescued out of us.

yeah… I’ll get the hell rescued out of us.

At any rate, my wife. Yes the whole reason your reading this (aside from my long flowing locks of course). She is a great cook. I understand that many of you are or know a very good cook. For that I apologize, because you/they aren’t. I say that my wife in an amazing cook, not because she’s my wife and I’m trying to suck up to ensure I got some nooky next time I go home (because that’s gonna happen anyways….. sorry, probably shouldn’t share that much so soon), but because she is. Growing up, I thought my mom was a great cook. She’s not terrible by any means, my mom is still a fairly good cook (she can THROW DOWN on some potato salad), but my mother was never able to do the things my wife can. Growing up here is a list of vegetables that I would eat, English peas (for a couple years and then stopped, black eyed peas, broccoli (on rare occasions), mushrooms/bell pepper/onions (on pizza, onions not on pizza but had to be cooked into the food and in small bits)…. that’s pretty much it. Not to say that my mother didn’t try… she tried to get me to eat tons of veggies, I just couldn’t like them. Now here is a list of veggies my wife has gotten me to eat (and like). All of the previously mentioned veggies, cabbage, tomatoes (not raw though… bleh), squash, zucchini… pretty much everything except corn. I HATE corn with a passion and it hates me back so we stay away from each other (unless it’s cooked in something in small quantities, then I can deal). I’m not saying that because I’m some self-righteous ass-clown who only eats veggies now, oh no.. My wife cooks it all.  Now I’m from the unofficial (probably official) food capital of the nation. I’m not going to tell you where but I will give you a hint. It begins with a “L” and ends with “ouisiana”, so we eat tons of food down there, not particularly “good” for you, but oooooooooh so delicious, and my wife can cook Cajun food like a BOSS. She can also cook pretty much everything like a boss.  To put it in perspective, my brother came to visit us a few months ago and brought a couple friends of his from England (yes, the country) and they were both on the edge of moving here just to be able to eat my wife’s cooking more. That’s right, she converted two brits to the amazingness of her delicious cooking. I suppose we’ve had enough bragging and your thinking “pics or it didn’t happen”. Oh dear friends….. poor poor friends… you really think I would come here and make such outlandish claims and not have picture evidence….. I scoff at your lack of faith (always trust a fat kid when it comes to food. They’re like yum Yoda’s).

 

Making a meal out of nothing: As I’m sure some of you have seen, there was an ecard that made the rounds on facebook a couple months ago that basically said “I’m at the ‘what can I make with green beans and cake mix’ point of my groceries”. I’m also sure that many of you have been at that point in your life at least a few times, either by laziness or poorness. We were in that position for a long while due to poorness. Granted, we aren’t anymore, but at one chapter in our lives together, we were. Though that didn’t stop her from making some of the most delicious (albeit odd) meals. She would take a can of Rotel, a fingernail’s scraping of hamburger meat, a pack of cheese and 7 beans and make wonderful creations that were filling and tasty (always filling. every meal she makes is always filling). I don’t know how she does it, but she can legitimately feed 8 people a meal that leaves them all stuffed and with plenty of leftovers for $10. I’m not even exaggerating.  I have personally witnessed this on multiple occasions.

Campfire cooking: As well as being a great cook, my wife is also a lover of camping, more importantly, campfire cooking. I’m not talking about hot dog wieners and smores cooking. I’m talking about legit, you would pay for this quality of food at a restaurant, grade cooking.

Why yes that is bacon wrapped chicken and other tasties

Why yes that is bacon wrapped chicken and other tasties

Granted, we do sometimes have to lug out a few unorthodox for camping cookware items but I would gladly do it every time for this kind of food. She LOVES cooking on a campfire. She also loves steak (I think you can guess where this is going). A long while back, while we were still struggling financially, she began buying beef roasts and would cut them up into steak shapes and we would have those for steaks. Some of you may harrumph and say “roast isn’t the same as steak”. To that I would agree, they technically aren’t. Though the way she cooks them, you very likely wouldn’t know if it was plated in front of you and if you did, you probably wouldn’t care.

That just happened

That just happened

If you have an issue with that meat not being “good enough”… then you have no place here, move along.

Breakfast: On top of campfire cooking, my wife cooks breakfast. I know, it’s shocking but hang with me. As a side note, when food packages list out ingredients and their quantities,, my wife seems them as friendly suggestions not to be followed exactly. Tons of people do it, it’s not a big deal. Though she goes in the “how can I make this the most mouthwatering, panty dropping dish ever!” direction. Pancakes for example, a simple and basic dish. You follow the directions on the box (or from scratch, however you wanna do it) and voila! Pancakes. My wifes sees those directions and the suggested serving size and thinks “Challenge accepted” and then proceeds to HAM as a mutha and bust out these monster beauties.

you can measure the thickness in inches and diameter in faces.

you can measure the thickness in inches and diameter in faces

She is also unreasonably well versed in the cooking of bacon, eggs, biscuits and all other forms of “breakfast foods”.

Cajun cuisine: Many people would look at this and think “what the hell do I do with all of that?

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My wife however, sees that and says “GUMBOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!”. Kind of like a Hispanic soccer announcer yells “goal”. Ok, I’m lying. I yell that and she rolls her eyes. At any rate, I will admit that gumbo is one of the most unpleasant to look at foods in the nation, if you don’t know the magic that is gumbo. Imagine that you see a pot full of various meat products, what you can only assume are vegetables, enough spices to see them floating around and a couple leaves (yes leaves) all swimming in a dark brown liquid. Yeah, it sounds like roadkill tossed into swamp water…. but the taste and smell is one of the most intoxicating smells in the world. I have a buddy from Idaho that was given a pot of it to take home to his family as a gift for giving me a ride to and from work, the next state over (we work together, it was a commuting thing, not important). Now keep in mind that (as far as I know) his wife and two kids have never left the Californiaand north west region (except maybe for vacations but not to Cajun country). They had never eaten Cajun food as far as I know. His wife is also a health food type person (not a weirdo crazy one, just eats healthy). Her and the kids all were rather suspicious of the dish (from what I was told), and were all but forced to try a bite . They all LOVED it.

add some cheddar biscuits and you have a delicious coma in front of you

add some cheddar biscuits and you have a delicious coma in front of you

So if you’e ever wondering what delicious gumbo looks like… that’s it.

Mexican-ish food:

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Why yes that is a delicious enchiladas filled with chicken, green chilies, cheese, rice and love topped with 6 different cheeses. Need I say more?

Leftovers: Leftovers is one of those things some families have issues with. Do we throw them out? Do we keep eating them until they’re gone or spoiled? Do we do something else with them? Do we drive down the street and thrown them at children? Do we send them to starving countries so they receive a 2 week old Tupperware tub of rotten death? My wife has none of those thoughts. Her thought is, how many different things can I make with this that will rock people’s faces off their skulls? The answer is a LOT. Recently (like last week recent) we had steak, shrimp, potatoes, asparagus and rolls for dinner. Entirely too much food for 2 adults and a 7 year old. Tough we took on the challenge of eating it all, we were defeated. Vanquished and buried under a mound of mouth-watering goodness.  During the battle however, we were able to eradicate the potatoes, asparagus and rolls. Which left the steak and shrimp as left overs. So the next day when we wake up (around noon), she decided she’s going to make quesadillas (fun fact* WordPress does not recognize quesadillas as a word… odd). So she made steak, shrimp, mushroom, veggies, MEGA cheese quesadillas. Of course you will get to see it my little tasties, hold on.

mmmmmmmm so tasty

mmmmmmmm so tasty

There was still leftover steak and shrimp though. So the next morning when we woke up (more morning-ish the next day), she made steak, shrimp, veggie and egg breakfast burritos.

I think you're getting the point

I think you’re getting the point

Holidays: Holidays are no different for my wife’s amazing cooking super powers. In fact, she shines even brighter during these times. She LOVES Thanksgiving and Christmas, not necessarily because of the fact that they are holidays alone, but because she has a perfect excuse to make her famous trash bag turkeys. You may say “Eww! trash bag turkeys… that sounds disgusting”. In retort I say “Go back and look at those pictures.. are you seriously doubting me at this point?”. Since I don’t have any pictures of said trash bag turkeys,  I will just have to explain it to you the best I can. So here we go. The day before said feast will be taking place we begin preping our turkey (yes we, she always buys huge turkeys and it takes both of us to move/prep them). We start by stabbing the hell out of it with forks on all sides to get it good and perforated. She then mixes up a bunch of dry seasonings in one bowl and several liquid seasonings and dry seasonings in another bowl. We then pour some of the liquid over the turkey to get it good and wet. After that, we rub the dry seasoning over the turkey and set the bird in a small (13ish gallon) non-scented trash bag. Set the bag in a deep walled pan and pour the rest of the liquid over it. Then we push all the air out of the bag and seal it up and toss it in the fridge to marinade over night. The next day she puts the turkey on the cooking rack, the rack back in the deep walled pan, pours all the marinade in the bottom of the pan, makes a cute little tin foil tent over the turkey and in the oven it goes… for like 12 hours……. People…. I want to stress how amazing this turkey is. I’ve had tons of turkeys in my day. One might say that I’m a turkey connoisseur (WordPress recognizes  connoisseur but not quesadillas…. weird). I’ve even had deep fried turkey, which I thought was the best in the world…. until I had a trash bag turkey… Oh, My GAWD is this thing delicious. I can seriously not think of any words that might possibly convey how amazing that mess is. You may know that turkey is a very difficult meat to keep tender and juicy while it’s cooking. It’s incredibly easy to make eh turkey dry and gross, this is not dry. In fact, it’s so juicy that you can cut it off the bird, put it on a plate, and there will be a wet spot under it when you move the piece. It is literally still juicy the next day after being in the fridge all night. It’s THAT juicy.

Well I think I’ve said enough (possibly too much… I’m starving now) about my wife’s cooking. I think we can all agree that she’s awesome and there is no question as to why I’m festively plump. I hope you all had a good time reading the post. I plan on writing more. As always, if there’s anything you want to read about, just slap down a comment. Please please please follow the blog and tell you friends. For those of you who already have. Thanks for joining the tribe. Have a good one. Cannibal out!