STOP GIVING ME WHAT I WANT!!!!

So I’ve been doing a bit of looking about on the interwebs and found many a videos, articles and blurbs on feminism. Now I generally try to stay out of topics like this because I’m not terribly fond of angry mobs storming my home with pitch forks and whatnot. But I just can’t stay silent anymore. Mainly out of confusion and I’ll freely admit that. I believe that I have found a drastic discrepancy within the feminist logic and the general woman logic. Don’t get me wrong, I see TOOOONS of discrepancies but I’ll focus on just one for the time being.

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Uuuuuum.... suuuure

So there’s been a development in the realm of what’s considered “sexual harassment”. Now they say that even looking at a woman can be considered sexual harassment. I assume that hopefully when they say “looking at a woman” they are referring to obviously ogling them and having the mind sex all over their lady bits.

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Ooooooo so sexy

But who’s to say what a person is doing in their head? Hell, I don’t even know what I’m doing in my own head. So it’s all left up to this vague, gazee’s  (is that a word?  It should be. Sounds like a LGBT rapper) personal opinion of what they THOUGHT you meant by your look. So is everyone supposed to just walk around staring at various inanimate objects in fear of mistakenly eye smooching some poor lady’s booty hole? Seems a bit unreasonable. But then there’s another side to this social situation (oh yeah. It’s getting real up in this B).

I can’t  tell you how many memes, articles, blurbs, notes, billboards, carrier puffins, message lizards… you get the point, that say things to the effect of “we women just want a man who looks at us longingly so we feel loved and wanted”

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Yes, I’m aware that you don’t want every single guy ever to be staring at you constantly. But here’s the thing… we have no idea if you’re with someone or not. So we don’t know if that “stare at girlfriend longingly” position has been filled. We also don’t know if we would fit your specific skill requirements needed to even get past the first round of applications for said position. Just to be clear, I’m using “we” as in males in general. So it seems as if you want the affection and attention of males… but only from specific ones… that fit these criteria…. that are different for each woman (my autocorrect tried to make that last woman say wombat lol)… that we have no clue of. Boy oh boy! What a wonderful game of social Russian Roulette! Come play, where any wrong glance can ruin your life and prospects of employment! And if you pass that round and find a girl that likes the way you drag your eyes along her body, you get to play a totally separate game called “is she a crazy bitch that will stab your dog and burn your house down” the ratings are going to be astronomical!!!!!

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Have fun Johnny!

Now at this point you may be saying “well then leave them alone” or “women don’t actually want that” or “five guys burgers are better than your mom’s face” to which I say, five guys burgers are, I assume, more delicious than any person’s face. But that isn’t the topic at hand, so you should leave now. On to the other two relevant points. I have also seen literally THOUSANDS of pictures, memes… (you know where this is going) posted by women that say things to the effect of “why won’t guy X just come up and talk to me? I’m so crazy about him but I want him to make the first move” or “guys, if you like a girl then just go up to her and say hello. We won’t bite tee hee hee *unicorn fart* *rainbow shoots out of my spanks*”

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...... yep

Is anyone else seeing the logic flaw here?  How in the dusty eff are we supposed to know which female you are? Do you want looks?  Do you not want looks?  Do you want looks but only from this guy over there? Is everybody a rapist to you? The hell is going on here?!

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So I have potentially come up with a solution. And seeing as how there’s multiple types of people, there are multiple solutions. So women, please refer to the crudely made chart below.

Do you think everyone is a rapist? Stop it, you’re being dumb
Do you want to be looked at by guys and find it flattering? Congrats! Carry along
Do you not like being looked at by people in public? Its uncomfortable, I know. But it’s public…  get over it, people look at stuff.
Do you want to be looked at but only by specific people and everyone else is a creepy rapist?  Stab yourself, you’re an idiot.

I hope this clears things up. Or at least brings to light what a ridiculous cluster f*^k the situation is. Hope you all have a lovely day playing the great social game of mine sweeper out there!

GET THE BOOBS OUT OF YOUR MOUTH

Before I say anything else, let me say this. If you have actual, human, woman boobs in your mouth… Keep that shit up! You do you boo boo. I was not referring to those. Aside from that, if you read that title and immediately thought of a scene in Major Payne then you’re already on the right track. But before we continue allow me to welcome you all back to the Cannibal Corner! I know I’ve been gone for a good long while and I’d like to apologize. So here we go…. *ahem*…. Go screw yourself, You don’t know my life! I’ll be gone as long as I want! Now back to the topic at hand.

Allow me to preface this by saying that most of my news and social information comes from Facebook and other such outlets. I use “other such” to indicate that I have multiple means of news and information… but I don’t. Marching on! Is anybody else tired of everybody being so damn offended at everything? Oh you’re not? well uh…. oh! you think they’re entirely justified in being offended because words have meaning and can hurt people?… um…. This entry isn’t for you… I mean, it is, but you’re gonna be offended here pretty quick so um… You might wanna bail, like, nowish. No it’s cool! I understand. I’ll just wait a sec….. Ok, now that they’re gone we can continue. Is it just me or does it seem like everyday people are finding new things to be offended about? Like, seriously, how can people get anything done with all the time they spend being butthurt?

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Ooooooooh That’s how they do it.

With all the ways to be offended, I’m almost impressed. Think about it! People are getting offended over things that don’t even offend them. They’re getting offended because it MIGHT offend someone else! Is that kind of like sympathy pains or something? Or are they trying to say that the truly offended parties aren’t capable of being offended hard enough so they need to step in and crank up the crying? At any rate, I could sit here all night and caterwaul about all the various things that people are being offended about but instead I think I’ll just hit the biggest one…. Words. You got it! Words have apparently evolved into poison dipped, butt seeking ninja star bombs in the last few years. Too descriptive you might say? Just descriptive enough I retort. I remember hearing on a regular basis (Seriously, I’m pretty sure I hear it more often then 1930’s German kids heard Hitler speeches over the radio) “Sticks and stones may break my bone but words will never hurt me”. Now granted, I also heard a lot of other things like “Mercury won’t hurt you” but that’s beside the point.

I saw a picture today that I have seen a few variations of at this point. I couldn’t find it to post it here but I’ll just type out what it says. YES you’ll understand everything about the picture because it was all words… Jeez, I leave for almost a year and you people get all impatient and mess… Anyways, it said “At 18 years of age, Spartans were already the most highly skilled soldiers of their time, ready to kill and die to defend their homes.

At 18 years of age, Aztecs were skilled in attacking and abducting their enemies so their still beating hearts could be ripped from their chest to appease the gods.

At 18 years of age the American adolescent is highly skill in the art of whining and crying because words hurt.” Now I’m not saying that the Spartans and Aztecs had everything figured out. All I’m saying is that ripping people’s hearts out to appease the gods could do this country some good… Wait, that’s not what I’m saying… I mean… It might not hurt to give it a shot, no no no. Definitely not going to condone that…. on the internet…. But I will say that drinking from the skulls of our enemies…. That’s definitely something to look into. Back on point though. When did we as a society stop having enough crap to worry about? When did the concern shift from making sure our children didn’t die from lead paint, spontaneous combustion, watermelons growing in your stomach from swallowing the seeds, your face sticking from making silly faces and razor  blades in candy to words being deadly, invisible death rays?

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RUN BITCH! THEY’RE GONNA GITCHA!!!!

I was pondering this and I think I have come to a bit of a conclusion. We don’t fight enough anymore. I know, I know, fighting doesn’t solve anything you say, shut up! As I blatantly put earlier, I saw that picture (that I so expertly described to you) on Facebook. And someone who shall not be named (his name is lemongrass Benedict esq… Not really, but you don’t need to know, so stuff it) commented that there is no longer a “free speech alley” at a particular college anymore. Now I never got the full story as to whether that means that you can’t speak freely anywhere on campus or they expanded it so everywhere is free speechyness, but it doesn’t matter. I was thinking about that “free speech alley” and though to myself “That could be cool. Just a place for people to go and let out all their hateful, terrible words.” Then I thought “Oh crap… what if like, there was a white supremacist there and they were just yelling at black people. Then the black people got pissed and started yelling back and forth.” Then I thought “Well if people don’t like what’s being said, then they could just leave the area.” That spurred a few other thoughts but it ended up at the thought “What if person x just followed people around spouting terrible, hateful shit at them?” And you wanna know what my ultimate thought was? “Knock the shit out of him!”

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Say it again ol folded faced BIIIITCH!!

At that moment, it hit me with full force. The main problem with America is that we simply don’t fight enough anymore. People aren’t afraid of saying anything they want and instead of fighting it out like our natural instincts want, we’ve been trying to legislate crap away. Bullies will be bullies until they get stood up to.  But not to go too far down the rabbit hole of bully tactics can we just agree that words are just words? They only have as much power as you allow them to have. For instance, I’m overweight, if someone calls me fat…. IT’S TRUE! I can’t argue with it. I could be offended but that’s pushing responsibility away from where it should be… me. So ya know what I do when someone calls me fat, or anything unfriendly? I stare at them awkwardly for as long as they’ll stand it.  Then just about when they can’t take it anymore I’ll say something like “I don’t care”. Simple as that. Because I’m a big boy with more important things to worry about than those scary, soul ripping, life ending words.

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Yeah… that’s the face

Though I don’t think it’s this generation’s fault for being so easily hurt by invisible, verbiage missiles. I blame the parents… You got it! The parents. It’s the job of the parents to tell the kids to get over it when they come in all snot nosed crying over little Billy calling them stupid. So if you’re a parent listen up! It’s YOUR job to tell your kids to get over it… If it’s not deadly and bones aren’t sticking out… Get over it. Plain and simple. Carry on, I’ll update again when I feel like it,

YOU WON’T BELIEVE WHAT HAPPENED IN THIS BLOG POST!!

“Hell yeah, let’s see what happened in this blog”. Stop it, just stop. I’ll go ahead and tell you what happened in this blog. Words and pictures… that’s it. So you’ve been duped again by a simple advertising gimmick that’s been swarming Facebook as of late and I wanted to take a bit to lash out at it. If you haven’t smacked your “back” button with the rage and agony felt only by the billowing flames of Mordor’s Mt Doom itself then congratulations! Welcome to the post. Have a seat, get comfy and please take this time to open up those unreasonably loud snack packages so you don’t disturb the others further in.

SHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

SHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

Now lets all just admit, Facebook has been reduced to a steamy(ish) mass of gossip, memes, stupid pictures, religion’s newest form of belittlement in the form of chain pics (share this or Satan will eat your babies!!) and passive aggressive posts that supposedly “aren’t pointed at anyone in particular” (yeah right).

Found a selfie of Facebook

Found a selfie of Facebook

Well also floating amongst (google said it’s a word so STICK IT SPELL CHECK) the drivel and swill are these catchy little “articles” that all have a very similar title “A couple buys an old house and you won’t believe what they found!”. Let me tell you… they found some old crap in a box shoved in a nook or an old cold war bunker. If they had found ANYTHING else more interesting, the entire news world would have spontaneously combust into a frothing horde of reporters eager to get that story. I mean… If they found an alien civilization or like… .Bigfoot watching old reruns of Harry and the Hendersons, then fine… I wouldn’t believe it. But a stupid box of valuable baseball card tucked under the stairs is bullshit and we all know it.

We're onto you Facebook

We’re onto you Facebook

Another sad part is that I know there are droves of people who see that same “article” title and say to themselves “OOOH MER-GERNURRSS ER HERV TER LERK ERT DERT!!” and then I can only assume they grip their mouse with their teeth, “wrAstle” that bad boy into position and then proceed to bash their skull against it until it finally gets the point and opens the link. “But cannibal.. What about mobile users? They don’t have a mouse! (accompanied by a snarky smile)” Now I told you to sit there and be quiet didn’t I? I didn’t? Hmmm, well then I suppose your question may be acknowledged. But I’m warning you buddy… Anyways, for the mobile device users I have a theory. Since apparently the mobile device world is teeming with broken screens, I postulate that the owners of said device see that same “article” title and say to themselves “mmmmblergfffflaaaaalll-skriglinurt….. rwaaaaar! mayk foon gurv wurt wurnts!!!! RWAAAAAARGGGGLLLLLHHHH!!!!” Then begin trying to extract said morsel by dashing their device against a large and pointy stone, screen first.

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The sidewalk will also suffice

The point is… well multi-pointual. But one of the points is, if you go to that link with anything more than mild curiosity… you’re probably a moron. Nearly every single one of them is something COMPLETELY lame and/or TOTALLY believable/not mind blowing. People have become sooo consumed with the hope that life isn’t just a bunch of not so awesome crap. Yes, finding a box of old crap in an old house is kind of cool… I guess, but it’s not face explodingly awesome! My soul isn’t going to jump out of my body, fly to Tunisia, become spiritual with the mindful guidance of mr Pin Tsao Inokimotaki (I have no idea who that guy is), return back with the grace and wisdom that only a… graceful and wise… thing would have, pry my chest cavity open, hop back inside, sing the song of the Mongolian Whooping Snail while a blinding light and unicorns fly out of my mouth and rainbows from my ass just because some jackass put some foldy-furniture in a tiny shed and called it revolutionary…. Was that a bit much? No? Good.

You know I had to

You know I had to

The other main issue is that when they keep doing crap like this, they really dilute down the truly awesome things in life. Let’s say that for some reason, someone finds ancient artifacts that show that aliens actually do exist and they built the pyramids and… decided that Facebook was the best place to tell everyone (far-fetched I know but just go with it)… It’s going to be overlooked by everybody because they’re so burnt out out on “hey a guy put a folding couch on a shipping container and when you see what happened next your dick will fly off!!!”. I see those “articles” and I just feel like screaming at my screen “YOU DON’T FOOL ME YOU FLOPPY-NECKED AD SCHOOL REJECT!!!!!! I SEE RIGHT THROUGH YOUR LIES!!!!!!!!!” I assume the quantity of exclamation marks is directly proportional to the volume at which you scream something.

So in closing… um… I’m not really sure where I was gonna end up with all of this… I guess I should have put some thought into the ending… hmmm, no no no! Just give me a second here. I’ll think of something. AH! Let’s all try to not feed the troll. Or call it out in the comments as a preposterous prediction of our mental capabilities of understanding. Cause I mean… If our minds are bursting out of our eye sockets any time some douche bag finds a cellar with a ladder access in a closet… We’re in serious trouble as a nation. I mean… China could invade with a few hand fulls of misprinted 3 dollar bills in a crusty old box and we’d be powerless to defend ourselves due to the fact that out collective bowels would be erupting while our kneecaps turned upside down and our teeth turned into tiny little lego men who performed a miniature play to explain how earth shattering that discovery was.

Why holding sucks

Can we all agree that being on hold sucks worse than having lemon juice squirted in your eye? “But Cannibal , having lemon juice squirted in your eye is like… totes terribleez!” Yeah…. I know, and it’s still not as bad as being put on hold. “but like…. Cannibal, lemon juice for realz is the cray cray painful.” Yes it is, but again… not as bad as being put on hold. “(Someone else) Cannibal, I think you’re just going to have to explain it to us man, cause I’m pretty sure nobody is on board with this.” Oh really? “Yes really.” Fine, I will.

let's begin

let’s begin

Earlier today I was set to the task of calling my bank. Never you mind what it was for, just rest assured that some serious, medieval-type stuff was gonna go down if I was not satisfied. “pff, whatever, you wouldn’t have done anything….” That’s not the point other person in this blog (we’ll seriously have to address an occupant limit some day). The point is, I called the bank to get something straightened out. Now obviously I’m not the only person who would call this particular bank at that particular moment, so somebody is going to have to wait. This time I just so happened to draw the proverbial short straw, so I got put on hold. At this point many of you are saying “yeah, and? millions of people get put on hold every minute of the day, it’s a part of everyday life.” To which I say true, but we don’t have to. We have a telescope that can see into other galaxies, we have cars that can drive themselves, we have micro sd cards that can hold 2TB of memory (yeah, that’s a thing, check it out http://www.micro-sdxc.com/2TB-microSDXC.htm ) and not to mention that we can talk to our phones like it’s a person for Pete’s sake (and who is this Pete fellow anyways?). So why in the world can we not have some sort of system that will talk to us like people and get us the help we need? Not the crap we already have that just takes up your time trying to “direct your call” by having you push buttons for the particular department you want before you just give up and start smashing the 0 key until it transfers you to a person. A system which, in my humble opinion, is actually an obstacle course to slow down people and help give the operators time to get through other calls, like some sort of pre-hold hold.

why you no have smart system?

why you no have smart system?

At any rate, you’re there and the other operators are busy, so you get put on hold. We all know the typical hold process. Either some non-descript music plays OR it’s a recording of someone talking to you about all the gee golly great services they provide you with, over some non-descript music. So you settle in for the long haul because apparently every single other person being helped is in the middle of Armageddon and can’t get their PIN to work… or whatever it is the business you called does. You know your conversation with the operator should only last about 3 minutes, but you’re going to wait for 46 minutes just to get around to hearing a human voice (and you only have a 30 minute lunch). Mainly because I’m convinced that the operators only take calls roughly 42% of the time.

This is how many F***s I give about your problem

This is how many F***s I give about your problem

Well you’re there waiting to be spoken to like some sad animal shelter puppy when all of a sudden, the music cuts out. You’re ears perk up and you sit a little straighter in your seat (or stand a little taller or even stop walking around for a second, don’t lie to me…. We all do it) and get ready to talk to a real person. A person who can help you with your issue. You ever so slightly clear your throat in preparation of speaking to this kind soul. You adjust the phone against your face to make sure you can hear them well (we all know that you were listening on speaker phone so you take it off and put the phone to your ear). You mentally go through what you’re going to say (sort of) so that you can convey your problem clearly and in a way that will result in prompt service (or maybe you just ramble on like a fool… who knows?). Then a sweet nectar enters your ear in the form of a cheerful, ready to help voice. A voice that says “Thank you for holding, your call will be answered by the next available operator.”…………..

we feel your pain

we feel your pain

Then the music starts back up again. You feel betrayed, you feel lied to, you feel……dirty. Like they got you all dressed up nice just to take you out  back and beat you with a rubber hose and kicked you down into the mud. In fact, they did lie to you. They led you on, they made you think that the wait was over. There was no reason to take you off hold, just to remind you that you’re on hold and put you right back on hold. That’s cruel! “But Cannibal, they don’t mean to be cruel. They just want you to know that they appreciate your patience and that they haven’t forgotten you.” That is lies from the DEVIL!!! They know damn good and well that you’re on hold and quite honestly, would rather wait until you hang up so they don’t have to deal with you. The main reason I speak so horribly of this practice is because they don’t just do it every now and then. Like it’s on some 8 minute timer, no…. They taunt you with it. Every 20 seconds they cut the music, get your hopes up and bitch slap you back down again. It’s only after the 9th or 10th time that you truly give up hope and sit there… defeated.

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They know I’m here…. right?

The only other option you have is to get that weird eye twitch going where everybody around you is trying to figure out if you’re about to snap your phone in half or try to eat it. That kind of anger that scratches at your last threads of sanity. You don’t want to explode, you work very hard to not be that kind of person. You know it’s not the operator’s fault for torturing you. They’re just doing their job and trying diligently to get to your issue…. right? I mean, if you’re angry when you talk to them then it just slows everything down and hurts your chances of getting the issue resolved. Or is that just what they want you to think? Those sneaky bastards know exactly what they’re doing…. They’re trying to MAKE you crazy man…. they’re running secret experiments on you to see how long you can take it before you crack. They aren’t going to get me man…. I’m gonna… “thank you for holding. Your call will be answered…..”

say that again. SAY THAT AGAIN!! I DARE YA, I DOUBLE DARE YA

say that again. SAY THAT AGAIN!! I DARE YA, I DOUBLE DARE YA

 

They sit there and toy with you like this until they think you’ve either given up, or your brain has melted through your nostrils. So as a recap, we have the technology to not have to put up with this anymore, the current automated system is just a maze to slow people down from getting to real help, nobody cares about your problem anyways, and you’re going to be subjected to terrible music and mental water boarding.  I’d also like to add another thing. Has anyone ever seen anybody go through all of that, talk to a person, get the situation resolved and been happy about it? I mean, have you ever seen someone hang up and smile? Have they ever mentioned how good of a chat they had? I’ve seen some people get off the phone and say that the person that they were talking to was helpful and they’re glad to get it straightened out but I have NEVER seen someone get off the phone with any sort of customer service type person and been happy about it. They all hang up the same way. Next time you see someone get off the phone with a customer service rep watch them. They will always sigh as soon as they hang up and look a little dead inside (if not completely dead).

Yeah, like that

Yeah, like that

To be completely honest I’d rather get lemon juice squirted in my eye and immediately talk to someone. I say that because getting lemon juice squirted in your eye, while terribly painful, will be over soon. The pain washed over you and then, after a moment, recedes like a wave upon the sand. You remember it hurting but it doesn’t scar your soul like being on hold does. Not only will you always remember the horror of being on hold but that horror will creep up inside you and scratch at you every time you think about it. Being on hold changes you as a human being. You never get off hold the same person as when you started. Lemon juice hurts…. but hold turns men into monsters.