Science Doesn’t care (about your feelings)

I know I know I know, I’ve been out for a while. had a lot of things going on in my life. God a new job, moved to a new state, stuff stuff stuff happened. ya know how it is. At any rate, I’ve been spending a lot of time on Youtube and Facebook and finding a rather disturbing trend starting to rear it’s ugly head. It’s the science of feelings. no not psychology, or psychiatry even. No no no, those would be too nice and reasonable and normal. I’m talking about the worst case of feelings science.

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The original image belongs to “The Oatmeal” He’s totally awesome and you should go check him out at http://www.theoatmeal.com

Now  I’m of the mindset that as long as you’re not hurting anyone and it’s not illegal… go ahead. It’s none of my business in general. But this has gotten to the point that it’s infecting others in the world and it seriously needs to stop. “But Cannibal…” I’m going to stop you right there. No, I don’t give a shit about anybody’s feelings and neither does science. So you just sit there and drag your eyes along this here post and get you some learnin’.

The thing that finally pushed me into writing this was a video coming from the lovely(ish… I think? Probably not) land of Cape Town university in…  Cape Town. It’s probably no the ACTUAL  name of the university but I don’t care and it’s not super important. Essentially the article title said that people think that science is racist and should be shut down”….. hu?” EXACTLY! One of the greatest things about science is it ISN’T RACIST! Gravity doesn’t care what color your skin is. Gravity is gravity no matter what! light works the same for everything regardless of your cultural background.

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This is not a thing…

 

In the ancient times many Scandinavians believed that a solar eclipse was a giant wolf eating the sun and if they yelled enough they could scare off the wolf and the sun would return. Granted… that does sound pretty awesome, but it’s not true! We know what a solar eclipse is and it’s totes not a giant sky wolf running around eating stars

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OM NOM NOM STARS!!

Why do we know that’s crazy today? SCIENCE!!! In the video I watched from the Cape Town college it was a group of students addressing the science faculties. In their argument they said that in a certain part of Africa, they believe that you can use magic to make a lightning bolt hit someone. then she asked the science guy how to explain ti scientifically to which he replied “you can’t” and they started to lose their minds.

Now I will fully admit that there are things that science can’t explain right now and that’s totally fine! Science isn’t the be all end all of everything. Science used to think that the earth was flat, but then more science happened and they said “um.. so yeah, ya know all that stuff we said about the earth being flat? It’ actually round AF.” and that’s AWESOME! Science isn’t somebodies opinion. It may start out that way but then the rest of science is like “hey, maybe we should look into this whole raspberries will explode if you dunk them in warm water thing” then they go and dunk raspberries into warm water, see that they don’t explode and say “yeah, we did the whole dunking raspberries in warm water thing and they didn’t explode. We even tossed them in, pushed them in, set them in, tied them to a rock and sank them in, poured the water over them… no explodies…. they don’t do that.” And then we all learn something! And on the other side of science some guy has a bowl of super heated oil, minding his own business, tosses a frozen turkey in it and BAM! the whole thing explodes. Then the rest of science gets together and says “we should figure that out. So they get some super hot oil in a big pot and start tossing stuff in. frozen turkeys, thawed turkeys, see that only the frozen one exploded and say “hmmmm”. then just try ice in the oil and BLAM! explosion and they say with singed eyebrows and charred flesh. “It’s the ice… ice and super hot oil do NOT get along….”

 

The student in the video made the point that it’s unfair that newton saw the apple fall from the tree, make some equations and then the whole world has to follow his theory of gravity… I’m serious, she said that. She even went so far as to say things like (paraphrased) “people who have never met newton, never seen him or know of him now have to follow his law of gravity” Like he personally went up to the universe, God, Allah,  Neil Degrasse Tyson and just tossed them his made up math and said “here ya go.. this is gravity now. use it bitches.”

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I’m sure that’s how it went down….

no! he did tons of math, scratched his balls a few times… did some more math. took it to other people who knew math, they tried it out. Agreed, he told the world (as best he could at the time) and the other people around the world (that saw it) tried it out too and it WORKED! So they said “Yeah, this seems cool. We’ll use this for the rest of time until proven wrong” that’s how science works people! you don’t get to just run around all willy nilly and decide that science isn’t true because you’re a moron who doesn’t get it. I don’t understand math very well. that doesn’t mean that when someone says to me “the square root of 33 is 5.74 blah blah blah” I don’t get to say “nope! the square root of 33 is root beer and tree waffles because I feel like it”. ya know who does that crap? kids! They PRETEND to be super heroes or whatever and one kid says “bang! your dead” and the other one says “NU UH!! I have on a super protective armor that makes me invisible (they meant invincible but they’re dumb kids, what can you do?). I’m actually over there” and when the first kid looks over, the second kid punches them in the throat and runs off… It’s make believe, it’s not real, it’s not science!

And the thing that really got the ball rolling on this post wasn’t even the science thing It’s a few other things that aren’t quite related enough to put in this post so I’ll have to make new ones for those too! (I know you’re all super excited to read those). Geez people… come on… can we please not revert back to the dark ages where we try to drown a woman with the criteria of “If she swims she’s a witch and we’ll chop her head off. if she drowns… oops”….. I’m seriously getting to the point where I don’t want to live on this planet anymore.

STOP GIVING ME WHAT I WANT!!!!

So I’ve been doing a bit of looking about on the interwebs and found many a videos, articles and blurbs on feminism. Now I generally try to stay out of topics like this because I’m not terribly fond of angry mobs storming my home with pitch forks and whatnot. But I just can’t stay silent anymore. Mainly out of confusion and I’ll freely admit that. I believe that I have found a drastic discrepancy within the feminist logic and the general woman logic. Don’t get me wrong, I see TOOOONS of discrepancies but I’ll focus on just one for the time being.

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Uuuuuum.... suuuure

So there’s been a development in the realm of what’s considered “sexual harassment”. Now they say that even looking at a woman can be considered sexual harassment. I assume that hopefully when they say “looking at a woman” they are referring to obviously ogling them and having the mind sex all over their lady bits.

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Ooooooo so sexy

But who’s to say what a person is doing in their head? Hell, I don’t even know what I’m doing in my own head. So it’s all left up to this vague, gazee’s  (is that a word?  It should be. Sounds like a LGBT rapper) personal opinion of what they THOUGHT you meant by your look. So is everyone supposed to just walk around staring at various inanimate objects in fear of mistakenly eye smooching some poor lady’s booty hole? Seems a bit unreasonable. But then there’s another side to this social situation (oh yeah. It’s getting real up in this B).

I can’t  tell you how many memes, articles, blurbs, notes, billboards, carrier puffins, message lizards… you get the point, that say things to the effect of “we women just want a man who looks at us longingly so we feel loved and wanted”

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Yes, I’m aware that you don’t want every single guy ever to be staring at you constantly. But here’s the thing… we have no idea if you’re with someone or not. So we don’t know if that “stare at girlfriend longingly” position has been filled. We also don’t know if we would fit your specific skill requirements needed to even get past the first round of applications for said position. Just to be clear, I’m using “we” as in males in general. So it seems as if you want the affection and attention of males… but only from specific ones… that fit these criteria…. that are different for each woman (my autocorrect tried to make that last woman say wombat lol)… that we have no clue of. Boy oh boy! What a wonderful game of social Russian Roulette! Come play, where any wrong glance can ruin your life and prospects of employment! And if you pass that round and find a girl that likes the way you drag your eyes along her body, you get to play a totally separate game called “is she a crazy bitch that will stab your dog and burn your house down” the ratings are going to be astronomical!!!!!

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Have fun Johnny!

Now at this point you may be saying “well then leave them alone” or “women don’t actually want that” or “five guys burgers are better than your mom’s face” to which I say, five guys burgers are, I assume, more delicious than any person’s face. But that isn’t the topic at hand, so you should leave now. On to the other two relevant points. I have also seen literally THOUSANDS of pictures, memes… (you know where this is going) posted by women that say things to the effect of “why won’t guy X just come up and talk to me? I’m so crazy about him but I want him to make the first move” or “guys, if you like a girl then just go up to her and say hello. We won’t bite tee hee hee *unicorn fart* *rainbow shoots out of my spanks*”

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...... yep

Is anyone else seeing the logic flaw here?  How in the dusty eff are we supposed to know which female you are? Do you want looks?  Do you not want looks?  Do you want looks but only from this guy over there? Is everybody a rapist to you? The hell is going on here?!

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So I have potentially come up with a solution. And seeing as how there’s multiple types of people, there are multiple solutions. So women, please refer to the crudely made chart below.

Do you think everyone is a rapist? Stop it, you’re being dumb
Do you want to be looked at by guys and find it flattering? Congrats! Carry along
Do you not like being looked at by people in public? Its uncomfortable, I know. But it’s public…  get over it, people look at stuff.
Do you want to be looked at but only by specific people and everyone else is a creepy rapist?  Stab yourself, you’re an idiot.

I hope this clears things up. Or at least brings to light what a ridiculous cluster f*^k the situation is. Hope you all have a lovely day playing the great social game of mine sweeper out there!

GET THE BOOBS OUT OF YOUR MOUTH

Before I say anything else, let me say this. If you have actual, human, woman boobs in your mouth… Keep that shit up! You do you boo boo. I was not referring to those. Aside from that, if you read that title and immediately thought of a scene in Major Payne then you’re already on the right track. But before we continue allow me to welcome you all back to the Cannibal Corner! I know I’ve been gone for a good long while and I’d like to apologize. So here we go…. *ahem*…. Go screw yourself, You don’t know my life! I’ll be gone as long as I want! Now back to the topic at hand.

Allow me to preface this by saying that most of my news and social information comes from Facebook and other such outlets. I use “other such” to indicate that I have multiple means of news and information… but I don’t. Marching on! Is anybody else tired of everybody being so damn offended at everything? Oh you’re not? well uh…. oh! you think they’re entirely justified in being offended because words have meaning and can hurt people?… um…. This entry isn’t for you… I mean, it is, but you’re gonna be offended here pretty quick so um… You might wanna bail, like, nowish. No it’s cool! I understand. I’ll just wait a sec….. Ok, now that they’re gone we can continue. Is it just me or does it seem like everyday people are finding new things to be offended about? Like, seriously, how can people get anything done with all the time they spend being butthurt?

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Ooooooooh That’s how they do it.

With all the ways to be offended, I’m almost impressed. Think about it! People are getting offended over things that don’t even offend them. They’re getting offended because it MIGHT offend someone else! Is that kind of like sympathy pains or something? Or are they trying to say that the truly offended parties aren’t capable of being offended hard enough so they need to step in and crank up the crying? At any rate, I could sit here all night and caterwaul about all the various things that people are being offended about but instead I think I’ll just hit the biggest one…. Words. You got it! Words have apparently evolved into poison dipped, butt seeking ninja star bombs in the last few years. Too descriptive you might say? Just descriptive enough I retort. I remember hearing on a regular basis (Seriously, I’m pretty sure I hear it more often then 1930’s German kids heard Hitler speeches over the radio) “Sticks and stones may break my bone but words will never hurt me”. Now granted, I also heard a lot of other things like “Mercury won’t hurt you” but that’s beside the point.

I saw a picture today that I have seen a few variations of at this point. I couldn’t find it to post it here but I’ll just type out what it says. YES you’ll understand everything about the picture because it was all words… Jeez, I leave for almost a year and you people get all impatient and mess… Anyways, it said “At 18 years of age, Spartans were already the most highly skilled soldiers of their time, ready to kill and die to defend their homes.

At 18 years of age, Aztecs were skilled in attacking and abducting their enemies so their still beating hearts could be ripped from their chest to appease the gods.

At 18 years of age the American adolescent is highly skill in the art of whining and crying because words hurt.” Now I’m not saying that the Spartans and Aztecs had everything figured out. All I’m saying is that ripping people’s hearts out to appease the gods could do this country some good… Wait, that’s not what I’m saying… I mean… It might not hurt to give it a shot, no no no. Definitely not going to condone that…. on the internet…. But I will say that drinking from the skulls of our enemies…. That’s definitely something to look into. Back on point though. When did we as a society stop having enough crap to worry about? When did the concern shift from making sure our children didn’t die from lead paint, spontaneous combustion, watermelons growing in your stomach from swallowing the seeds, your face sticking from making silly faces and razor  blades in candy to words being deadly, invisible death rays?

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RUN BITCH! THEY’RE GONNA GITCHA!!!!

I was pondering this and I think I have come to a bit of a conclusion. We don’t fight enough anymore. I know, I know, fighting doesn’t solve anything you say, shut up! As I blatantly put earlier, I saw that picture (that I so expertly described to you) on Facebook. And someone who shall not be named (his name is lemongrass Benedict esq… Not really, but you don’t need to know, so stuff it) commented that there is no longer a “free speech alley” at a particular college anymore. Now I never got the full story as to whether that means that you can’t speak freely anywhere on campus or they expanded it so everywhere is free speechyness, but it doesn’t matter. I was thinking about that “free speech alley” and though to myself “That could be cool. Just a place for people to go and let out all their hateful, terrible words.” Then I thought “Oh crap… what if like, there was a white supremacist there and they were just yelling at black people. Then the black people got pissed and started yelling back and forth.” Then I thought “Well if people don’t like what’s being said, then they could just leave the area.” That spurred a few other thoughts but it ended up at the thought “What if person x just followed people around spouting terrible, hateful shit at them?” And you wanna know what my ultimate thought was? “Knock the shit out of him!”

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Say it again ol folded faced BIIIITCH!!

At that moment, it hit me with full force. The main problem with America is that we simply don’t fight enough anymore. People aren’t afraid of saying anything they want and instead of fighting it out like our natural instincts want, we’ve been trying to legislate crap away. Bullies will be bullies until they get stood up to.  But not to go too far down the rabbit hole of bully tactics can we just agree that words are just words? They only have as much power as you allow them to have. For instance, I’m overweight, if someone calls me fat…. IT’S TRUE! I can’t argue with it. I could be offended but that’s pushing responsibility away from where it should be… me. So ya know what I do when someone calls me fat, or anything unfriendly? I stare at them awkwardly for as long as they’ll stand it.  Then just about when they can’t take it anymore I’ll say something like “I don’t care”. Simple as that. Because I’m a big boy with more important things to worry about than those scary, soul ripping, life ending words.

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Yeah… that’s the face

Though I don’t think it’s this generation’s fault for being so easily hurt by invisible, verbiage missiles. I blame the parents… You got it! The parents. It’s the job of the parents to tell the kids to get over it when they come in all snot nosed crying over little Billy calling them stupid. So if you’re a parent listen up! It’s YOUR job to tell your kids to get over it… If it’s not deadly and bones aren’t sticking out… Get over it. Plain and simple. Carry on, I’ll update again when I feel like it,

YOU WON’T BELIEVE WHAT HAPPENED IN THIS BLOG POST!!

“Hell yeah, let’s see what happened in this blog”. Stop it, just stop. I’ll go ahead and tell you what happened in this blog. Words and pictures… that’s it. So you’ve been duped again by a simple advertising gimmick that’s been swarming Facebook as of late and I wanted to take a bit to lash out at it. If you haven’t smacked your “back” button with the rage and agony felt only by the billowing flames of Mordor’s Mt Doom itself then congratulations! Welcome to the post. Have a seat, get comfy and please take this time to open up those unreasonably loud snack packages so you don’t disturb the others further in.

SHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

SHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

Now lets all just admit, Facebook has been reduced to a steamy(ish) mass of gossip, memes, stupid pictures, religion’s newest form of belittlement in the form of chain pics (share this or Satan will eat your babies!!) and passive aggressive posts that supposedly “aren’t pointed at anyone in particular” (yeah right).

Found a selfie of Facebook

Found a selfie of Facebook

Well also floating amongst (google said it’s a word so STICK IT SPELL CHECK) the drivel and swill are these catchy little “articles” that all have a very similar title “A couple buys an old house and you won’t believe what they found!”. Let me tell you… they found some old crap in a box shoved in a nook or an old cold war bunker. If they had found ANYTHING else more interesting, the entire news world would have spontaneously combust into a frothing horde of reporters eager to get that story. I mean… If they found an alien civilization or like… .Bigfoot watching old reruns of Harry and the Hendersons, then fine… I wouldn’t believe it. But a stupid box of valuable baseball card tucked under the stairs is bullshit and we all know it.

We're onto you Facebook

We’re onto you Facebook

Another sad part is that I know there are droves of people who see that same “article” title and say to themselves “OOOH MER-GERNURRSS ER HERV TER LERK ERT DERT!!” and then I can only assume they grip their mouse with their teeth, “wrAstle” that bad boy into position and then proceed to bash their skull against it until it finally gets the point and opens the link. “But cannibal.. What about mobile users? They don’t have a mouse! (accompanied by a snarky smile)” Now I told you to sit there and be quiet didn’t I? I didn’t? Hmmm, well then I suppose your question may be acknowledged. But I’m warning you buddy… Anyways, for the mobile device users I have a theory. Since apparently the mobile device world is teeming with broken screens, I postulate that the owners of said device see that same “article” title and say to themselves “mmmmblergfffflaaaaalll-skriglinurt….. rwaaaaar! mayk foon gurv wurt wurnts!!!! RWAAAAAARGGGGLLLLLHHHH!!!!” Then begin trying to extract said morsel by dashing their device against a large and pointy stone, screen first.

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The sidewalk will also suffice

The point is… well multi-pointual. But one of the points is, if you go to that link with anything more than mild curiosity… you’re probably a moron. Nearly every single one of them is something COMPLETELY lame and/or TOTALLY believable/not mind blowing. People have become sooo consumed with the hope that life isn’t just a bunch of not so awesome crap. Yes, finding a box of old crap in an old house is kind of cool… I guess, but it’s not face explodingly awesome! My soul isn’t going to jump out of my body, fly to Tunisia, become spiritual with the mindful guidance of mr Pin Tsao Inokimotaki (I have no idea who that guy is), return back with the grace and wisdom that only a… graceful and wise… thing would have, pry my chest cavity open, hop back inside, sing the song of the Mongolian Whooping Snail while a blinding light and unicorns fly out of my mouth and rainbows from my ass just because some jackass put some foldy-furniture in a tiny shed and called it revolutionary…. Was that a bit much? No? Good.

You know I had to

You know I had to

The other main issue is that when they keep doing crap like this, they really dilute down the truly awesome things in life. Let’s say that for some reason, someone finds ancient artifacts that show that aliens actually do exist and they built the pyramids and… decided that Facebook was the best place to tell everyone (far-fetched I know but just go with it)… It’s going to be overlooked by everybody because they’re so burnt out out on “hey a guy put a folding couch on a shipping container and when you see what happened next your dick will fly off!!!”. I see those “articles” and I just feel like screaming at my screen “YOU DON’T FOOL ME YOU FLOPPY-NECKED AD SCHOOL REJECT!!!!!! I SEE RIGHT THROUGH YOUR LIES!!!!!!!!!” I assume the quantity of exclamation marks is directly proportional to the volume at which you scream something.

So in closing… um… I’m not really sure where I was gonna end up with all of this… I guess I should have put some thought into the ending… hmmm, no no no! Just give me a second here. I’ll think of something. AH! Let’s all try to not feed the troll. Or call it out in the comments as a preposterous prediction of our mental capabilities of understanding. Cause I mean… If our minds are bursting out of our eye sockets any time some douche bag finds a cellar with a ladder access in a closet… We’re in serious trouble as a nation. I mean… China could invade with a few hand fulls of misprinted 3 dollar bills in a crusty old box and we’d be powerless to defend ourselves due to the fact that out collective bowels would be erupting while our kneecaps turned upside down and our teeth turned into tiny little lego men who performed a miniature play to explain how earth shattering that discovery was.

Don’t just look but see something.

It’s a  phrase in my family that my dad used to say all the time. I’ll admit that I didn’t understand it’s meaning for a long time. Though it wasn’t until the time that he started teaching me to drive that I began to truly see it’s meaning. “Whoa whoa whoa.. Dude, you can’t just bail on us and then show back up like… months later! Cannibal, where have you been?!” Oh, that’s odd. I didn’t know that the title of this blog post was “where I’ve been for the last… months. Maybe because it’s NOT! So sit down and in the words of mr Freeze… “chill”

EEEAAAARLGLAAAAEEEEELLLLLRRRRG!!!

EEEAAAARLGLAAAAEEEEELLLLLRRRRG!!!

Now back to what I was saying…. OH YEAH! driving. So anyways, When he started teaching me how to drive he taught me to look around and see what was happening. And of course by “taught” I of course mean “pounded it into my thick skull (verbally) like a giant jackhammer a hokey batman villain would use”. He taught me to look at the wheels of cars to see if it were moving (a pretty funny story attached to that tid bit. I’ll tell you later), to look far down the road at things that MIGHT become an issue later and to look through trees and bushes for vehicles that might be approaching from a side street (because vehicles hide in foliage like tiny woodland creatures. That’s legit, my pa taught me that!).

SHH SHH! He's coming...

SHH SHH! He’s coming…

And I will say that it has helped me out a TON in my driving life (since I do so much driving for work). But my driving life isn’t on trial here so I’ll move on.

As my life progressed I began to realize that his little saying
“Don’t just look, see something” held greater power. I used it to begin noticing things that many people missed. Granted, I’ll admit I’m no Sherlock Holmes (though I sometimes feel like it) but it just makes life a ton easier if you can look around you and see what’s actually happening.I realize that you might be looking forward to some sort of anecdote or silly, 5 part harmony story to go along with this. But that’s foolish talk. Of course I have a couple stories I COULD  tell, but I’m just getting back into this thing… Don’t wanna pull a muscle. So instead I will opt to leave you simply with this. “Don’t just look, but see”. Pay attention to the world around you and you will begin to notice things that you never saw before. You’ll begin to see how people tick and think, then life REALLY gets fun. Being an aloof fool is a terribly boring life. But noticing things and learning from them makes like wonderful and fun. Well I should probably be going. I’ve been at this for a few hours now… I know, it’s sad but roll with it. More to come (soon, I hope).

Oilfield people

I’d like to apologize yet again for the lengthy absence from the blog. I’ve had a lot going on recently with…. Alright I didn’t have much going on I’m just lazy ok? There I admitted it.  At any rate I’d like to just plow into this post due to the fact that I had a coffee filled cup of sugar a couple hours ago to make sure I wouldn’t wreck and die on my way home (man camp) so I need to pound this out before my nervous system shuts down from sugar overload.

There are people in the oilfield.There I said it, have a good night….. Wait hold on… My producer is telling me that there was more to this post. So apparently I can’t just say that there are people in the oilfield and leave it at that.. So let’s continue eh?

First off, I’m a people watcher. Always have been. Though not only am I a people watcher, I like to make funny/ridiculous observations about them while I’m doing it. I don’t just look at one type f person either. So don’t worry, I’m not creeping around Williston ND looking for 5’9 brunette women with olive skin tone, french nails and matching fuschia nails and lipstick. I watch everyone equally. Which I will admit, has gotten me into trouble a few times. Though, I would also like to add to that that I’ve seen some hilarious stuff while people watching. So now that that is squared away we can really get this thing going.

THE WORKERS: So you’e aware no, not everybody that works in the actually works IN the oilfield. They may work for Walmart, or NAPA or any other store and not have anything to do directly with actually going out and ripping mother earth’s rich, black life blood from her veins to be sold for profit… That sounded a bit dark… oh well, continue. The people I’m talking about are those men who do go out and murder mamma earth on a daily basis (ok seriously, nobody is murdering mother earth, it just sounds funny so get over it). Granted, their work is hard and dirty and disgusting for several long, grueling hours a day. These men are MEN.. They spit like men, they walk like men, they work like men, but they look and smell like something became sentient and crawled out of a trash pit filled with oilfield waste, soiled rags and discarded animal teeth. They look GROSS! They smell gross, they act gross but they all seem to have this mentality that every women in the nearby vicinity should be and are ogling them and giggling their praises to all the other women… That’s not happening…. Not at all. The women are laughing at that ridiculously moronic bounce/hobble/trot walk these guys do, the tracks of filth they leave, the mouth they leave agape that looks like gingivitis has been holding bomb raids on for the last decade and the tattered rags they call clothes. Though none of these workers seem to notice. It’s like they have no idea how bad they look in public on a regular basis. Now don’t get me wrong, not every single oilfield worker looks like Otis, the town oil rag but a large portion of them do and it’s gross. At any rate, These guys think that they look so good, that they might as well be wearing a Gucci suit and have the keys to a Learjet.

Not so much mr sir... nor so much

Not so much mr sir… nor so much

THE CIVILIANS: These people are just like the regular people in your city or town or village or community or whatever the hell you call where you live. They dress normal, they act normal. If you were to pic a generic human to stick in a petting zoo, that would be the type of person you would choose. Very bland and regular and hopefully won’t bite children.

THE WOMEN: Well if there’s one thing just about every single (single as in not dating or married) guy in the oilfield would tell you, it’s that woman are in DRASTICALLY short supply. I’m not worried about it personally, I’m married and spoken for but to see what happens is often HILARIOUSLY awful. I mean, I’m not the kind of guy who says that “men have needs” and therefore women should be willing to take care of those “needs” at the drop of a hat… No, that’s crap. I feel really bad for the woman in this town, I seriously do. Unless they’re strippers or hookers, then I don’t feel bad for them, they chose that crap. I mean they just have to know that any time they go anywhere, nearly every set of eyes will be immediately ripped from what it was doing to be glued onto them until no longer possible. It’s creepy to see it happen and it’s also pretty funny to see too. Mainly the looks on the other people’s faces when they don’t think anybody is looking.

MEN DEALING WITH WOMEN: I’ll go ahead and warn you that I’m going to be using a lot of pics and gifs from Top Gear, mainly because I’ve been watching a ton of it lately and also because these are blog image GOLD!!!. Anyways. Lets say that during the day some oilfield worker guy has to go to the store and get some stuff. Let’s also say that this particular store has people who work there that have to assist you in your endeavors in order for you to get the things you need. Let’s ALSO say that one of these workers is a woman. So the guy walks in, the woman approaches him and asks if she can assist him in finding anything. The man say yes, tells her what he needs and she turns to lead this fellow to the items or the parts desk to find such items. I can not tell you how many times I have literally seen the guy turn to one of his buddies and make this EXACT face.

IT'S A GIRL!!!!!

IT’S A GIRL!!!!!

Yeah.. Cause she’s gonna get you that part and then shove everything off the counter and let you have your way with her right then and there. She’s SOOOOO hot for you right now. Cause When she saw all that grease and filth all over you, and when she fund out you were here to buy a 6 foot pry bar and torque wrench, she got soooooooo turned on by you… Come on dude. At best you’ll get a smile, a look in the eyes like a normal human being and POSSIBLY a fractional touch of her hand as she hands you the crap…..

It’s great when I guy sees a pretty girl walking… anywhere. They completely lose their mind. It’s like they have lost all mental capabilities to restrain themselves and act like non-feral house cats in heat. The looks on their faces are the best. If you don’t get a weird, wrinkled duck face, a blank stare or a knuckle biting you get this.

Yep... just like that

Yep… just like that

And lord help them if the girl will actually say anything or acknowledge the guy’s presence. Generally they’ve gone so long without any female presence, much less communication, they generally get the most ridiculous grin across their face.

God help him

God help him

THEN, if by some miracle the female doesn’t run away in fear of the creepy guy who will probably skin her and wear her flesh as a jump suit, they start talking… It get’s even better. Once again the guy has gone so long without any female contact (not just physical people… don’t be pervs) that his brain completely short circuits and produces spastic, pseudo-flirting that makes no sense. He’s clearly just trying to say anything but “Would you please have sex with?”. Which usually winds up with faces that look like this.

don't look at her boobs, don't look at her boobs, don't look at her boobs

don’t look at her boobs, don’t look at her boobs, don’t look at her boobs

It’s comical to say the least. Well people I’m pretty sure my heart is giving out and my eyes are about to crash closed any second now So I will leave you with this. I hope you all have a great day/night/whenever you read this. Please come back, who knows? Maybe I’ll start getting these things out more regularly. Don’t forget to go ahead and smack that follow button, wherever it is, and join the tribe! See yall later. Good night.

THE TROUBLE WITH GETTING OLD

HELLO!! And welcome to another semi-kind of regularish installment of the Cannibal Corner! I’m your Dutiful host Cannibal… Just Cannibal, no catchy, hip name to go after it yet (but I’m open to suggestions). To post preface the post I would like to point out that I’m using a new keyboard and this may take me a while to get through. Granted, you the reader most likely won’t notice any such time delay in the traditional break neck speed at which I type so no worries. Just be warned that my already bad spelling could be exacerbated by this new-fangled contraption.  So let’s get going shall we?

I’ve said on multiple occasions that I’m quite looking forward to getting old. Old people seem to be doing pretty good at it, new medicines and procedures are coming out all the time and…. It means that you’ve survived that long. So win win win in my book. At any rate, I personally look forward to it because then I can do things like hide in my bushes during Halloween (or any other holiday for that matter) in the middle of the night, jump out and scare the neighborhood kids, and it’s all good because “he’s old and crazy, just leave him alone”. I can cuss out whoever I want with virtually NO repercussions. I can smack people and blame it on dementia. And wiping my own ass will be a thing of the past (alright, maybe not that one, but you get the point)! But with all those bonuses, perks, freebies and sweet sweet pudding, comes a dreadful payment. A payment that will surly cripple me and weigh it’s horrid wretches upon me. What is that curse you ask? Unruly toenails.

Now allow me, if you will, to preface the pre-post preface with a post pre-post after the beginning of the post post preface.

Don't make it weird bro

Don’t make it weird bro

I’ve seen a lot of old people feet. No I’m not some old people feet fetish person either. I had a job where I delivered medical equipment to old people who were in all practical purposes dying.

NO NOT LIKE THAT!!!

NO NOT LIKE THAT!!!

So as you can probably guess, I’ve seen some old people feet in my day. The thing is, Almost every single one of them (especially the men) had horrible, awfully unruly toenails. Don’t get me wrong, those old people were pretty awesome, but they all had issues with their feet, namely their toenails. THAT, my friends, is what really scares me about getting old. The horrid part is, you don’t have to be that old to start getting them either. Even now I’m beginning to see the start of toenail revolt! I’m sure that if left untreated, they could stage a coup and turn my feet into a toenail war zone! Some of you may still not be convinced. You may be thinking “Cannibal, bru (don’t use bru. It makes you sound like a souless bottle of hair bleach)… bro (better, continue) You need to chill. It can’t be all that bad. I mean, old skin is the really bad stuff.” Oh is it eh? Old toenails aren’t so bad?

BAM FOOOOOOOL!!!!

BAM FOOOOOOOL!!!!

Yeah… how about THAT!? That’s what I thought. Look, I’m sorry I had to do that but you clearly weren’t aware of the real issues.

SKARIKKITY-RIK-RIK BAAAAAAM!!!

SKARIKKITY-RIK-RIK BAAAAAAM!!!

…….. I don’t even think I need to finish this post. I think my point is made. But I’m not some A-hole like that, so I will. I guess getting a pedicure or something similar would be beneficial it turning back the tides of war in the toenail offensive. Hell, I’m pretty sure just jamming your feet under some rocks or in a fish tank for a few hours would help these people, but whatevs. Time marches on and is most likely visible in your toenail rings. And it may not even be that big of a deal by the time I get to that point. Maybe they’ll have invented some sort of Kevlar composite under-nail finishing cream or lazer guided ugly killing SCUD missiles… WHO KNOWS!? At any rate (I really do like that term don’t I…?) I think I’ve ranted enough for one evening. I hope you all have a great day/evening/night/morning/noon/afternoon/preferred period of the day cycle. Hope to see you again soon here in the corner… the Cannibal Corner.