YOU WON’T BELIEVE WHAT HAPPENED IN THIS BLOG POST!!

“Hell yeah, let’s see what happened in this blog”. Stop it, just stop. I’ll go ahead and tell you what happened in this blog. Words and pictures… that’s it. So you’ve been duped again by a simple advertising gimmick that’s been swarming Facebook as of late and I wanted to take a bit to lash out at it. If you haven’t smacked your “back” button with the rage and agony felt only by the billowing flames of Mordor’s Mt Doom itself then congratulations! Welcome to the post. Have a seat, get comfy and please take this time to open up those unreasonably loud snack packages so you don’t disturb the others further in.

SHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

SHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

Now lets all just admit, Facebook has been reduced to a steamy(ish) mass of gossip, memes, stupid pictures, religion’s newest form of belittlement in the form of chain pics (share this or Satan will eat your babies!!) and passive aggressive posts that supposedly “aren’t pointed at anyone in particular” (yeah right).

Found a selfie of Facebook

Found a selfie of Facebook

Well also floating amongst (google said it’s a word so STICK IT SPELL CHECK) the drivel and swill are these catchy little “articles” that all have a very similar title “A couple buys an old house and you won’t believe what they found!”. Let me tell you… they found some old crap in a box shoved in a nook or an old cold war bunker. If they had found ANYTHING else more interesting, the entire news world would have spontaneously combust into a frothing horde of reporters eager to get that story. I mean… If they found an alien civilization or like… .Bigfoot watching old reruns of Harry and the Hendersons, then fine… I wouldn’t believe it. But a stupid box of valuable baseball card tucked under the stairs is bullshit and we all know it.

We're onto you Facebook

We’re onto you Facebook

Another sad part is that I know there are droves of people who see that same “article” title and say to themselves “OOOH MER-GERNURRSS ER HERV TER LERK ERT DERT!!” and then I can only assume they grip their mouse with their teeth, “wrAstle” that bad boy into position and then proceed to bash their skull against it until it finally gets the point and opens the link. “But cannibal.. What about mobile users? They don’t have a mouse! (accompanied by a snarky smile)” Now I told you to sit there and be quiet didn’t I? I didn’t? Hmmm, well then I suppose your question may be acknowledged. But I’m warning you buddy… Anyways, for the mobile device users I have a theory. Since apparently the mobile device world is teeming with broken screens, I postulate that the owners of said device see that same “article” title and say to themselves “mmmmblergfffflaaaaalll-skriglinurt….. rwaaaaar! mayk foon gurv wurt wurnts!!!! RWAAAAAARGGGGLLLLLHHHH!!!!” Then begin trying to extract said morsel by dashing their device against a large and pointy stone, screen first.

yeah... like that

The sidewalk will also suffice

The point is… well multi-pointual. But one of the points is, if you go to that link with anything more than mild curiosity… you’re probably a moron. Nearly every single one of them is something COMPLETELY lame and/or TOTALLY believable/not mind blowing. People have become sooo consumed with the hope that life isn’t just a bunch of not so awesome crap. Yes, finding a box of old crap in an old house is kind of cool… I guess, but it’s not face explodingly awesome! My soul isn’t going to jump out of my body, fly to Tunisia, become spiritual with the mindful guidance of mr Pin Tsao Inokimotaki (I have no idea who that guy is), return back with the grace and wisdom that only a… graceful and wise… thing would have, pry my chest cavity open, hop back inside, sing the song of the Mongolian Whooping Snail while a blinding light and unicorns fly out of my mouth and rainbows from my ass just because some jackass put some foldy-furniture in a tiny shed and called it revolutionary…. Was that a bit much? No? Good.

You know I had to

You know I had to

The other main issue is that when they keep doing crap like this, they really dilute down the truly awesome things in life. Let’s say that for some reason, someone finds ancient artifacts that show that aliens actually do exist and they built the pyramids and… decided that Facebook was the best place to tell everyone (far-fetched I know but just go with it)… It’s going to be overlooked by everybody because they’re so burnt out out on “hey a guy put a folding couch on a shipping container and when you see what happened next your dick will fly off!!!”. I see those “articles” and I just feel like screaming at my screen “YOU DON’T FOOL ME YOU FLOPPY-NECKED AD SCHOOL REJECT!!!!!! I SEE RIGHT THROUGH YOUR LIES!!!!!!!!!” I assume the quantity of exclamation marks is directly proportional to the volume at which you scream something.

So in closing… um… I’m not really sure where I was gonna end up with all of this… I guess I should have put some thought into the ending… hmmm, no no no! Just give me a second here. I’ll think of something. AH! Let’s all try to not feed the troll. Or call it out in the comments as a preposterous prediction of our mental capabilities of understanding. Cause I mean… If our minds are bursting out of our eye sockets any time some douche bag finds a cellar with a ladder access in a closet… We’re in serious trouble as a nation. I mean… China could invade with a few hand fulls of misprinted 3 dollar bills in a crusty old box and we’d be powerless to defend ourselves due to the fact that out collective bowels would be erupting while our kneecaps turned upside down and our teeth turned into tiny little lego men who performed a miniature play to explain how earth shattering that discovery was.

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