Oilfield people

I’d like to apologize yet again for the lengthy absence from the blog. I’ve had a lot going on recently with…. Alright I didn’t have much going on I’m just lazy ok? There I admitted it.  At any rate I’d like to just plow into this post due to the fact that I had a coffee filled cup of sugar a couple hours ago to make sure I wouldn’t wreck and die on my way home (man camp) so I need to pound this out before my nervous system shuts down from sugar overload.

There are people in the oilfield.There I said it, have a good night….. Wait hold on… My producer is telling me that there was more to this post. So apparently I can’t just say that there are people in the oilfield and leave it at that.. So let’s continue eh?

First off, I’m a people watcher. Always have been. Though not only am I a people watcher, I like to make funny/ridiculous observations about them while I’m doing it. I don’t just look at one type f person either. So don’t worry, I’m not creeping around Williston ND looking for 5’9 brunette women with olive skin tone, french nails and matching fuschia nails and lipstick. I watch everyone equally. Which I will admit, has gotten me into trouble a few times. Though, I would also like to add to that that I’ve seen some hilarious stuff while people watching. So now that that is squared away we can really get this thing going.

THE WORKERS: So you’e aware no, not everybody that works in the actually works IN the oilfield. They may work for Walmart, or NAPA or any other store and not have anything to do directly with actually going out and ripping mother earth’s rich, black life blood from her veins to be sold for profit… That sounded a bit dark… oh well, continue. The people I’m talking about are those men who do go out and murder mamma earth on a daily basis (ok seriously, nobody is murdering mother earth, it just sounds funny so get over it). Granted, their work is hard and dirty and disgusting for several long, grueling hours a day. These men are MEN.. They spit like men, they walk like men, they work like men, but they look and smell like something became sentient and crawled out of a trash pit filled with oilfield waste, soiled rags and discarded animal teeth. They look GROSS! They smell gross, they act gross but they all seem to have this mentality that every women in the nearby vicinity should be and are ogling them and giggling their praises to all the other women… That’s not happening…. Not at all. The women are laughing at that ridiculously moronic bounce/hobble/trot walk these guys do, the tracks of filth they leave, the mouth they leave agape that looks like gingivitis has been holding bomb raids on for the last decade and the tattered rags they call clothes. Though none of these workers seem to notice. It’s like they have no idea how bad they look in public on a regular basis. Now don’t get me wrong, not every single oilfield worker looks like Otis, the town oil rag but a large portion of them do and it’s gross. At any rate, These guys think that they look so good, that they might as well be wearing a Gucci suit and have the keys to a Learjet.

Not so much mr sir... nor so much

Not so much mr sir… nor so much

THE CIVILIANS: These people are just like the regular people in your city or town or village or community or whatever the hell you call where you live. They dress normal, they act normal. If you were to pic a generic human to stick in a petting zoo, that would be the type of person you would choose. Very bland and regular and hopefully won’t bite children.

THE WOMEN: Well if there’s one thing just about every single (single as in not dating or married) guy in the oilfield would tell you, it’s that woman are in DRASTICALLY short supply. I’m not worried about it personally, I’m married and spoken for but to see what happens is often HILARIOUSLY awful. I mean, I’m not the kind of guy who says that “men have needs” and therefore women should be willing to take care of those “needs” at the drop of a hat… No, that’s crap. I feel really bad for the woman in this town, I seriously do. Unless they’re strippers or hookers, then I don’t feel bad for them, they chose that crap. I mean they just have to know that any time they go anywhere, nearly every set of eyes will be immediately ripped from what it was doing to be glued onto them until no longer possible. It’s creepy to see it happen and it’s also pretty funny to see too. Mainly the looks on the other people’s faces when they don’t think anybody is looking.

MEN DEALING WITH WOMEN: I’ll go ahead and warn you that I’m going to be using a lot of pics and gifs from Top Gear, mainly because I’ve been watching a ton of it lately and also because these are blog image GOLD!!!. Anyways. Lets say that during the day some oilfield worker guy has to go to the store and get some stuff. Let’s also say that this particular store has people who work there that have to assist you in your endeavors in order for you to get the things you need. Let’s ALSO say that one of these workers is a woman. So the guy walks in, the woman approaches him and asks if she can assist him in finding anything. The man say yes, tells her what he needs and she turns to lead this fellow to the items or the parts desk to find such items. I can not tell you how many times I have literally seen the guy turn to one of his buddies and make this EXACT face.

IT'S A GIRL!!!!!

IT’S A GIRL!!!!!

Yeah.. Cause she’s gonna get you that part and then shove everything off the counter and let you have your way with her right then and there. She’s SOOOOO hot for you right now. Cause When she saw all that grease and filth all over you, and when she fund out you were here to buy a 6 foot pry bar and torque wrench, she got soooooooo turned on by you… Come on dude. At best you’ll get a smile, a look in the eyes like a normal human being and POSSIBLY a fractional touch of her hand as she hands you the crap…..

It’s great when I guy sees a pretty girl walking… anywhere. They completely lose their mind. It’s like they have lost all mental capabilities to restrain themselves and act like non-feral house cats in heat. The looks on their faces are the best. If you don’t get a weird, wrinkled duck face, a blank stare or a knuckle biting you get this.

Yep... just like that

Yep… just like that

And lord help them if the girl will actually say anything or acknowledge the guy’s presence. Generally they’ve gone so long without any female presence, much less communication, they generally get the most ridiculous grin across their face.

God help him

God help him

THEN, if by some miracle the female doesn’t run away in fear of the creepy guy who will probably skin her and wear her flesh as a jump suit, they start talking… It get’s even better. Once again the guy has gone so long without any female contact (not just physical people… don’t be pervs) that his brain completely short circuits and produces spastic, pseudo-flirting that makes no sense. He’s clearly just trying to say anything but “Would you please have sex with?”. Which usually winds up with faces that look like this.

don't look at her boobs, don't look at her boobs, don't look at her boobs

don’t look at her boobs, don’t look at her boobs, don’t look at her boobs

It’s comical to say the least. Well people I’m pretty sure my heart is giving out and my eyes are about to crash closed any second now So I will leave you with this. I hope you all have a great day/night/whenever you read this. Please come back, who knows? Maybe I’ll start getting these things out more regularly. Don’t forget to go ahead and smack that follow button, wherever it is, and join the tribe! See yall later. Good night.