THE TROUBLE WITH GETTING OLD

HELLO!! And welcome to another semi-kind of regularish installment of the Cannibal Corner! I’m your Dutiful host Cannibal… Just Cannibal, no catchy, hip name to go after it yet (but I’m open to suggestions). To post preface the post I would like to point out that I’m using a new keyboard and this may take me a while to get through. Granted, you the reader most likely won’t notice any such time delay in the traditional break neck speed at which I type so no worries. Just be warned that my already bad spelling could be exacerbated by this new-fangled contraption.  So let’s get going shall we?

I’ve said on multiple occasions that I’m quite looking forward to getting old. Old people seem to be doing pretty good at it, new medicines and procedures are coming out all the time and…. It means that you’ve survived that long. So win win win in my book. At any rate, I personally look forward to it because then I can do things like hide in my bushes during Halloween (or any other holiday for that matter) in the middle of the night, jump out and scare the neighborhood kids, and it’s all good because “he’s old and crazy, just leave him alone”. I can cuss out whoever I want with virtually NO repercussions. I can smack people and blame it on dementia. And wiping my own ass will be a thing of the past (alright, maybe not that one, but you get the point)! But with all those bonuses, perks, freebies and sweet sweet pudding, comes a dreadful payment. A payment that will surly cripple me and weigh it’s horrid wretches upon me. What is that curse you ask? Unruly toenails.

Now allow me, if you will, to preface the pre-post preface with a post pre-post after the beginning of the post post preface.

Don't make it weird bro

Don’t make it weird bro

I’ve seen a lot of old people feet. No I’m not some old people feet fetish person either. I had a job where I delivered medical equipment to old people who were in all practical purposes dying.

NO NOT LIKE THAT!!!

NO NOT LIKE THAT!!!

So as you can probably guess, I’ve seen some old people feet in my day. The thing is, Almost every single one of them (especially the men) had horrible, awfully unruly toenails. Don’t get me wrong, those old people were pretty awesome, but they all had issues with their feet, namely their toenails. THAT, my friends, is what really scares me about getting old. The horrid part is, you don’t have to be that old to start getting them either. Even now I’m beginning to see the start of toenail revolt! I’m sure that if left untreated, they could stage a coup and turn my feet into a toenail war zone! Some of you may still not be convinced. You may be thinking “Cannibal, bru (don’t use bru. It makes you sound like a souless bottle of hair bleach)… bro (better, continue) You need to chill. It can’t be all that bad. I mean, old skin is the really bad stuff.” Oh is it eh? Old toenails aren’t so bad?

BAM FOOOOOOOL!!!!

BAM FOOOOOOOL!!!!

Yeah… how about THAT!? That’s what I thought. Look, I’m sorry I had to do that but you clearly weren’t aware of the real issues.

SKARIKKITY-RIK-RIK BAAAAAAM!!!

SKARIKKITY-RIK-RIK BAAAAAAM!!!

…….. I don’t even think I need to finish this post. I think my point is made. But I’m not some A-hole like that, so I will. I guess getting a pedicure or something similar would be beneficial it turning back the tides of war in the toenail offensive. Hell, I’m pretty sure just jamming your feet under some rocks or in a fish tank for a few hours would help these people, but whatevs. Time marches on and is most likely visible in your toenail rings. And it may not even be that big of a deal by the time I get to that point. Maybe they’ll have invented some sort of Kevlar composite under-nail finishing cream or lazer guided ugly killing SCUD missiles… WHO KNOWS!? At any rate (I really do like that term don’t I…?) I think I’ve ranted enough for one evening. I hope you all have a great day/evening/night/morning/noon/afternoon/preferred period of the day cycle. Hope to see you again soon here in the corner… the Cannibal Corner.

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