First of all, ALL oilfield vehicles are spider-legged flame tanks… Wait, that’s not right. They are NOT spider-legged flame tanks. but they are NOT normal vehicles. Some of you may be con fused which is natural. they look like normal, they sound normal(ish) and they drive normal(ish), but they are, I say again, NOT normal. I’ve driven through almost half the states in this country and I gotta say, vehicles in an oilfield are very very much not normal. But before we go any further I would like to apologize for not posting more regularly. I’d say that I was super busy or my computer had been kidnapped by ninja weasels, but the truth is, I’ve been lazy as of late. With that being said. I’ve been working on a book (again) lately and I did devote a bit of time to that. That’s not important though. The important part is that we’re all here for Christmas…. no, we’re just here, not a holiday (I think). So lets get going eh?
As some of you know, an oilfield is a pretty big place. Also, it’s a really big place, like multiple counties big. So naturally, people need to get around. I’d venture to say that most of you also know that there’s a lot of money being made in the oilfield. I mean, how are you going to convince a few thousand people to just uproot themselves and move to some god awful place to work their ass off for 16 hours a day, not see their families for weeks at a time and live in quite possibly the coldest part of the nation (lower 48 of course)? Offer them barrels of cash, it’s why I did it. At any rate, many of these workers grew up on the lower end of the economic scale (lower class to middle middle class). There’s the few people who grew up rich and many of those grew up rich because their parent(s) worked in the oilfield too and so you get the idea. Now when these people who grew up with out having much they tend to do the same thing… Buy a badass vehicle. that’s just what happens. So there are TONS!!! of oilfield trucks running around. Now I say “trucks” but I don’t mean semi’s. I man pickup trucks. Some of them buy cars, but cars like Camaros and Mustangs, fast cars, you get it. Also, they still have a few buckets of cash, so they get them tricked out. So here’s an example.
As you can see people with a lot of money and little sense make decisions like the truck on the right. Not so say that the truck on the right isn’t badass, but it’s entirely unnecessary. Lets continue.
Now I’m not sure entirely sure if it’s an option that only oilfield dealers offer or if it’s the drivers, but these vehicles only have 3 speeds: Park, forward murder and reverse murder…. That’s it. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen someone stop the gas pedal through the floor bard to move up 6 feet. I’m not exaggerating, I’m not kidding, I’m completely serious. They just slam on the gas, smoke billowing out of the pipes, tires squealing, engine roaring, suspension torquing, just to move up one car length. Also, part B of this section. The brakes I also assume only have 3 modes: hold the vehicle still while stopped, slow down JUST enough not to slam into the back of someone on the highway and lock them bitches up. I’ve seen on a multitude of occasions someone romp forward 4 feet and then immediately pulverize the brake pedal to come to a screeching halt… Not sure the mentality behind this. It happens so much that I can only assume it’s the vehicles.
Another modification I’ve seen on nearly every diesel truck is the smoke dispenser option. Apparently, if you work in the oilfield and you drive a diesel truck, every time you speed up the vehicle is required to spew out as much black smoke as mechanically possible. The more smoke comes out, the bigger your wiener is… I guess, I don’t know. I don’t drive a diesel, not really my thing. But I bet if I did it would spew out a ton of smoke and I would be blessed by the spirits of underpants filler meat…. So yeah… moving on.
Headlights…..oooooh those headlights. How I loath them so. Normally I have absolutely zero problems with headlights. I even drive a Ford Fiesta while I’m home. Yeah, that tiny little car that sits right at eye level with every other vehicles headlights, yeah that one. No problems with headlights in that thing. In the oilfield I drive a tall delivery van which sets up fairly high on the road, yet I can’t help but be blinded on a regular basis by oncoming vehicles. I know what you might be thinking. “Cannibal, they’re probably just running with their brights on and don’t realize it.” To that I inform you that your food socket is ajar and you should close it… I’m getting to that. Seeing as how I haven’t even been vehicle shopping in the oilfield (mainly because I already have a vehicle and the prices are outrageous) so most of this is assumption based on my sexy intelligence and powers of deduction. Yeah… I’m kind of a big deal. ANYWAYS! The dealers here in the oilfield don’t measure the brightness of the headlights in lumens. Oh no… no no no, that’s too small and petty for you sissy folk. No they use an entirely different scale to measure how bright the headlights are. They measure it in exponents of the brightness of the sun. Now as all other vehicles the lights have 3 modes: off (laaaaaaame), yellow dwarf(x10) and type O blue giant star(x30,000) (but for real though, look up a type O star… them things are ridiculous).
So, as you’re drivign along at night you see a vehicle approaching from the next county over with some ridiculously bright ass lights shining, so you give them the polite “you left your brights on” flicker of your brights in HOPES that they will trn theirs down too. Well of course that doesn’t happen, they give you the “no I didn’t, these are my orphan stomping low beams” flicker of their brights. Now when I say brights… I mean it’s so bright that the light doesn’t just stop in your eyes and get converted to an electro-chemical signal which is sent to your brain for processing as bright as hell. That would be much better. I mean the light invades your eyeball with a searing pain, it then uses the jaws of life to force your nerves open wide enough to cram itself into. It then barrels through your nerves, torching everything in sight until it gets to your brain cavity. Once inside your skull it reemerges and roasts your brain until it begins to blister and it even has the courtesy of giving the inside of your skull a dark golden tan and signs a “F**k you” into the bone with a surgical lazer.
So in closing, as you can see, vehicles in the oilfield are VASTLY different from vehicles in the rest of the world. They may seem like normal, but they hide a sinister truth under their plastic and sheet metal skins. They harbor an evil that wishes to emerge and swallow the universe. starting with your eyes.
Hey everyone! If there’s anything you’d like me to cover, discuss, review, just drop a comment at any time. I’m willing to write about just about anything. Also don’t forget to stab that follow/subscribe/deliver brownies button and join the tribe. See yal another day.