THE TROUBLE WITH GETTING OLD

HELLO!! And welcome to another semi-kind of regularish installment of the Cannibal Corner! I’m your Dutiful host Cannibal… Just Cannibal, no catchy, hip name to go after it yet (but I’m open to suggestions). To post preface the post I would like to point out that I’m using a new keyboard and this may take me a while to get through. Granted, you the reader most likely won’t notice any such time delay in the traditional break neck speed at which I type so no worries. Just be warned that my already bad spelling could be exacerbated by this new-fangled contraption.  So let’s get going shall we?

I’ve said on multiple occasions that I’m quite looking forward to getting old. Old people seem to be doing pretty good at it, new medicines and procedures are coming out all the time and…. It means that you’ve survived that long. So win win win in my book. At any rate, I personally look forward to it because then I can do things like hide in my bushes during Halloween (or any other holiday for that matter) in the middle of the night, jump out and scare the neighborhood kids, and it’s all good because “he’s old and crazy, just leave him alone”. I can cuss out whoever I want with virtually NO repercussions. I can smack people and blame it on dementia. And wiping my own ass will be a thing of the past (alright, maybe not that one, but you get the point)! But with all those bonuses, perks, freebies and sweet sweet pudding, comes a dreadful payment. A payment that will surly cripple me and weigh it’s horrid wretches upon me. What is that curse you ask? Unruly toenails.

Now allow me, if you will, to preface the pre-post preface with a post pre-post after the beginning of the post post preface.

Don't make it weird bro

Don’t make it weird bro

I’ve seen a lot of old people feet. No I’m not some old people feet fetish person either. I had a job where I delivered medical equipment to old people who were in all practical purposes dying.

NO NOT LIKE THAT!!!

NO NOT LIKE THAT!!!

So as you can probably guess, I’ve seen some old people feet in my day. The thing is, Almost every single one of them (especially the men) had horrible, awfully unruly toenails. Don’t get me wrong, those old people were pretty awesome, but they all had issues with their feet, namely their toenails. THAT, my friends, is what really scares me about getting old. The horrid part is, you don’t have to be that old to start getting them either. Even now I’m beginning to see the start of toenail revolt! I’m sure that if left untreated, they could stage a coup and turn my feet into a toenail war zone! Some of you may still not be convinced. You may be thinking “Cannibal, bru (don’t use bru. It makes you sound like a souless bottle of hair bleach)… bro (better, continue) You need to chill. It can’t be all that bad. I mean, old skin is the really bad stuff.” Oh is it eh? Old toenails aren’t so bad?

BAM FOOOOOOOL!!!!

BAM FOOOOOOOL!!!!

Yeah… how about THAT!? That’s what I thought. Look, I’m sorry I had to do that but you clearly weren’t aware of the real issues.

SKARIKKITY-RIK-RIK BAAAAAAM!!!

SKARIKKITY-RIK-RIK BAAAAAAM!!!

…….. I don’t even think I need to finish this post. I think my point is made. But I’m not some A-hole like that, so I will. I guess getting a pedicure or something similar would be beneficial it turning back the tides of war in the toenail offensive. Hell, I’m pretty sure just jamming your feet under some rocks or in a fish tank for a few hours would help these people, but whatevs. Time marches on and is most likely visible in your toenail rings. And it may not even be that big of a deal by the time I get to that point. Maybe they’ll have invented some sort of Kevlar composite under-nail finishing cream or lazer guided ugly killing SCUD missiles… WHO KNOWS!? At any rate (I really do like that term don’t I…?) I think I’ve ranted enough for one evening. I hope you all have a great day/evening/night/morning/noon/afternoon/preferred period of the day cycle. Hope to see you again soon here in the corner… the Cannibal Corner.

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Oilfield Vehicles

First of all, ALL oilfield vehicles are spider-legged flame tanks… Wait, that’s not right. They are NOT spider-legged flame tanks. but they are NOT normal vehicles. Some of you may be con fused which is natural. they look like normal, they sound normal(ish) and they drive normal(ish), but they are, I say again, NOT normal. I’ve driven through almost half the states in this country and I gotta say, vehicles in an oilfield are very very much not normal. But before we go any further I would like to apologize for not posting more regularly. I’d say that I was super busy or my computer had been kidnapped by ninja weasels, but the truth is, I’ve been lazy as of late. With that being said. I’ve been working on a book (again) lately and I did devote a bit of time to that. That’s not important though. The important part is that we’re all here for Christmas…. no, we’re just here, not a holiday (I think). So lets get going eh?

As some of you know, an oilfield is a pretty big place. Also, it’s a really big place, like multiple counties big. So naturally, people need to get around. I’d venture to say that most of you also know that there’s a lot of money being made in the oilfield. I mean, how are you going to convince a few thousand people to just uproot themselves and move to some god awful place to work their ass off for 16 hours a day, not see their families for weeks at a time and live in quite possibly the coldest part of the nation (lower 48 of course)? Offer them barrels of cash, it’s why I did it. At any rate, many of these workers grew up on the lower end of the economic scale (lower class to middle middle class). There’s the few people who grew up rich and many of those grew up rich because their parent(s) worked in the oilfield too and so you get the idea. Now when these people who grew up with out having much they tend to do the same thing… Buy a badass vehicle. that’s just what happens. So there are TONS!!! of oilfield trucks running around. Now I say “trucks” but I don’t mean semi’s. I man pickup trucks. Some of them buy cars, but cars like Camaros and Mustangs, fast cars, you get it. Also, they still have a few buckets of cash, so they get them tricked out. So here’s an example.

Because why not?

Because why not?

As you can see people with a lot of money and little sense make decisions like the truck on the right. Not so say that the truck on the right isn’t badass, but it’s entirely unnecessary. Lets continue.

Now I’m not sure entirely sure if it’s an option that only oilfield dealers offer or if it’s the drivers, but these vehicles only have 3 speeds: Park, forward murder and reverse murder…. That’s it. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen someone stop the gas pedal through the floor bard to move up 6 feet. I’m not exaggerating, I’m not kidding, I’m completely serious. They just slam on the gas, smoke billowing out of the pipes, tires squealing, engine roaring, suspension torquing, just to move up one car length. Also, part B of this section. The brakes I also assume only have 3 modes: hold the vehicle still while stopped, slow down JUST enough not to slam into the back of someone on the highway and lock them bitches up.  I’ve seen on a multitude of occasions someone romp forward 4 feet and then immediately pulverize the brake pedal to come to a screeching halt… Not sure the mentality behind this. It happens so much that I can only assume it’s the vehicles.

Another modification I’ve seen on nearly every diesel truck is the smoke dispenser option. Apparently, if you work in the oilfield and you drive a diesel truck, every time you speed up the vehicle is required to spew out as much black smoke as mechanically possible. The more smoke comes out, the bigger your wiener is… I guess, I don’t know. I don’t drive a diesel, not really my thing. But I bet if I did it would spew out a ton of smoke and I would be blessed by the spirits of underpants filler meat…. So yeah… moving on.

Headlights…..oooooh those headlights. How I loath them so. Normally I have absolutely zero problems with headlights. I even drive a Ford Fiesta while I’m home. Yeah, that tiny little car that sits right at eye level with every other vehicles headlights, yeah that one. No problems with headlights in that thing. In the oilfield I drive a tall delivery van which sets up fairly high on the road, yet I can’t help but be blinded on a regular basis by oncoming vehicles. I know what you might be thinking. “Cannibal, they’re probably just running with their brights on and don’t realize it.” To that I inform you that your food socket is ajar and you should close it… I’m getting to that. Seeing as how I haven’t even been vehicle shopping in the oilfield (mainly because I already have a vehicle and the prices are outrageous) so most of this is assumption based on my sexy intelligence and powers of deduction. Yeah… I’m kind of a big deal. ANYWAYS! The dealers here in the oilfield don’t measure the brightness of the headlights in lumens. Oh no… no no no, that’s too small and petty for you sissy folk. No they use an entirely different scale to measure how bright the headlights are. They measure it in exponents of the brightness of the sun. Now as all other vehicles the lights have 3 modes: off (laaaaaaame), yellow dwarf(x10) and type O blue giant star(x30,000) (but for real though, look up a type O star… them things are ridiculous).

Fresh off the production line.

Fresh off the production line.

So, as you’re drivign along at night you see a vehicle approaching from the next county over with some ridiculously bright ass lights shining, so you give them the polite “you left your brights on” flicker of your brights in HOPES that they will trn theirs down too. Well of course that doesn’t happen, they give you the “no I didn’t, these are my orphan stomping low beams” flicker of their brights. Now when I say brights… I mean it’s so bright that the light doesn’t just stop in your eyes and get converted to an electro-chemical signal which is sent to your brain for processing as bright as hell. That would be much better. I mean the light invades your eyeball with a searing pain, it then uses the jaws of life to force your nerves open wide enough to cram itself into. It then barrels through your nerves, torching everything in sight until it gets to your brain cavity. Once inside your skull it reemerges and roasts your brain until it begins to blister and it even has the courtesy of giving the inside of your skull a dark golden tan and signs a “F**k you” into the bone with a surgical lazer.

yeah, I went there

yeah, I went there

So in closing, as you can see, vehicles in the oilfield are VASTLY different from vehicles in the rest of the world. They may seem like normal, but they hide a sinister truth under their plastic and sheet metal skins. They harbor an evil that wishes to emerge and swallow the universe. starting with your eyes.

Hey everyone! If there’s anything you’d like me to cover, discuss, review, just drop a comment at any time. I’m willing to write about just about anything. Also don’t forget to stab that follow/subscribe/deliver brownies button and join the tribe. See yal another day.

STAB THE CHILDREN!!!!!! (or not, your choice)

As the title would lead you to believe we are, in fact, stabbing children. To be specific, small children. Not like 13-18, well maybe them too. Who knows right? I mean, stabbing children can be useful and even good for them. Well… some say stabbing children is bad for them. So some say stab all the kids as many as you can! While others say “Oh no!!! don’t stab the children!!! they’re tiny bodies!” Alright maybe not the tiny bodies bit but you get the idea. HEY!! I see you slowly reaching for your phone to call the cops on me. Don’t try to pull back now, I already saw it! Well yeah this topic sounds pretty morbid and awful… true, dead children is a terrible thing, wait… dead children? NO NO NO NO NO!!!!! vaccines!! Stab the children with vaccines! My goodness! Of course plunging a blade into a child is totes terribleez! Don’t do that. I would assume that somewhere suspiciously close to 99.9999% of people would agree that giving a child a pokey-punch all up a kid’s innards is quite possibly one of the most disgusting things ever… EVAR!!! What’s that? the .0001%? Oh, well I don’t personally know EVERYBODY’S feelings on the matter, gotta leave a little room for the weirdos and… never mind. Back to the topic at hand.

Giving kids vaccines. Is it a good idea or a bad idea? Well I already have a kid who has been vaccinated and one still on the assembly line. So some might say that I’m pro-stabbing… I mean vaccines. Pro-vaccines. When our son was born (me and my wife… not you and me… weirdo) he got his shots, sort of like a puppy of sorts. They pulled him out, slapped his ass and gave him a good sta…. vaccine cocktail, then tossed him over in a “hope you can catch” kind of way. Well it may seem weird to you but we do things differently where I’m from. That’s not legal anywhere…? Oh dear… so $20 for a birthing fee on the back docks of Walmart sounds sketchy? I knew I should have scheduled with the guy at Target… MUCH nicer facilities! Now that you mention it the guy did smell like gin and regret.

on the weekends he's a WIZARD!!!

on the weekends he’s a WIZARD!!!

But going back to the original topic, yes our son was not born at walmart, he was born in a hospital, by smart people who do that sort of crap every day in a very professional manner… sort of, but that’s a topic for another day. Yes I knwo that’s not the “original” topic but I had to clear that up first. ANY WAYS!!! Yes our son was vaccinated. Not because I love pumping chemicals and viruses into my son’s body, but we were told that (A) it was good for him and (B) he needed them to be able to go to school. So we did it. I trusted the doctors who do that kind of crap every day and all was well. Besides! I had my shots and I turned out…. well never mind that. Now he’s all grown up to the ripe old age of 7 (don’t tell me he’s not ripe, apples only take one year… ONE!!! He’s seven times riper than an apple so BLEH!!). 

The reason I picked this topic is because I’ve been seeing this topic flare up from time to time on my super awesome news feeds that certainly don’t come from facebook and other pass-by media….. ok it mostly is. But there was a news article in there somewhere so i’m a pseudo-expert-ish-type person. The main argument I hear is the fact that the vaccines have a ton (can you really fit a ton of anything in a syringe…? just asking) of chemicals in them that could be harmful to people, children in particular. I’ve also heard the argument that vaccines cause autism. On that note, I did a bit of research and found that roughly less than 1% of children ages 0-17 have NOT been vaccinated. Another quick search revealed that there are roughly 68.6 million children in the us this year in that age range. ANOTHER  quick search found that 1 in 88 children in the US are born with Autism. For those of you who are afraid of google or are terrible at math, that’s .01 with a few other numbers in there. So, of the 68.6 million children, roughly 1% are born with autism and 1% are NOT vaccinated. so the SAME number of children who are NOT vaccinated to children born with autism. Now i’m not saying that every non-vaccinated kid has autism. I’m just saying that the numbers don’t really help that case. 

The other case is that the chemicals and junk are terribleez (I like that word… terribleez… Just rolls off the tongue). Now I will admit that in most cases, random chemicals inside your body is a bad thing. BUT!!! These are no ordinary random chemicals. These are carefully selected random chemicals. “But carefully selected means that they aren’t random anymore…” SHUT YOUR FACE AND PAY ATTENTION!! Now I ask you this. What are two of the most deadly natural, non-radioactive elements? You may say “a lot of them” but that just shows that you’re not seeing where I’m going with this and should be quite and pay attention. The answer is Sodium and chlorine. Some of you may have already heard this argument raging on the interwebs (I just found out about it and I’m too far into tho turn back now) and rolling your eyes and saying “god not again!!!” but too bad, or you can skip ahead until I type in all caps “squiggly beard”. Then you’ll know it’s safe to return without being bothered by that old sodium and chlorine mess. As I was saying… what’s that? Am I going to really type that… not sure… It was pretty fun to type the first time. And think of the glory when it’s in all caps. Yelled out to bounce to and fro in the blog-o-sphere. Anyways, back on point. Sodium is a terribly deadly metal. It literally tries to explode when is contacts water…. really cool stuff. On the other hand, chlorine is another awfully deadly gas that will do everything in it’s power to kill every cell in your body. Just thought I would mention that chlorine has a super power… it has the ability to kill every cell it comes in contact with, and it can’t turn that off… so have fun with that. SO!! you take those two deadly monsters and you staple em together in sausage casing, shrink em down to minuscule particles, turn them into crystals and BAM!!! sodium chloride. Some of you may be thinking “that sounds familiar… where have I heard that before?” The answer (hopefully) is science class. Because sodium chloride is in fact also know as (AKA) salt… Yep, table salt. Two of the most deadly elements put together makes up something that your body NEEDS in order to function. Granted, too much salt is bad, but too much light is bad, too much water is bad, so on and so forth, clamp that noise making face hole shut. Moving on, some common chemicals in vaccines are Mercury (although it’s TECHNICALLY methylmurcury which is, not so good for you. Although it doesn’t stick around forever and it’s countered by omega-3 type fatty acids that are in a ton of things you eat all the time), ammonium sulphate (a salt that it deemed safe to consume by the FDA and the European FDA-type thing. It’s in flour and all kinds of stuff) and some other stuff and of course virus’, particularly the ones they’re trying to vaccinate you from. So if it’s a flu vaccine, it’s got the flu in it. granted, extremely weak and sometimes dead flu, but flu non the less.

SQUIGGLY BEARD!!!!!!!!

(that WAS fun) If you’e just returning… you might want to read the last little bit from the above paragraph. It’s ok I’ll wait….. No! We’re waiting…. just be patient. Back? Awesome! Let’s continue. So the thing many people are freaking out about are these chemicals. The thing is, some of the more scary one like methyl mercury and thimerosal haven’t been used since 2002 (as told by a quick search) and the ones they use now? For instance you’e allowed up to 1g of Streptomycin a day (not of each and every chemical, but that’s an average). The amount you get in a vaccine? Lets put it this way. All of the vaccines that a person will take in they’re life will total far less than…. 1g. So when they say “trace amounts” what they’re really saying is “we have to tell you it’s in here by law but in all reality, you’ll probably lick more of it out of a hooker’s crack than you will get from this”. don’t look hooker ass? It’s ok, I don’t either. How about… “you’ll probably eat more of it from just randomly touching stuff and touching your mouth thorough your life than you’ll get from these” Better? Good, let’s move on.

want some streptomycin honey?

want some streptomycin honey?

 

On to the the whole “there’s virus’ in vaccines”. It’s not really a big issue, but I decided to touch on it anyways. The fact that they are “virus'” in the vaccine is the EXACT reason it’s a vaccine! If it didn’t have them in there, it would just be some weird, not-so helpful shot of preservatives and stabilizers. Basically, it’s the medical world’s version of playing that really crappy team in town at football BEFORE the real season starts, just to make sure the team has all the kinks worked out. Yes, that crappy team can TECHNICALLY show you up or give you a few problems, but when you start playing those good teams, you’re ready. Yeah… it’s pretty much like that. your body kicks the crap out of the weaker, less-effective virus, so when you get exposed to the real deal, your body is all “PSHHH!!! I got this.” And then goes all BLAM POW THWACK like an awful 60’s batman cartoon or something.

JUST like that

JUST like that

so you’re welcome world, stop being scared of needs and take the shots.

 

Or don’t, It’s no big deal to me. Though I would like to know your thoughts. What do you think? Do you think I’m way off base and vaccines are just the government’s way of keeping us dumb, sterile and addicted to toddlers and tiaras? Or are they a good thing that help keep us safe and help the US stay as the country that has pretty much killed all of the virus’/diseases if it weren’t for those no-good, foot dragging louses in the rest of the world? Leave a comment and let me know. Also, be sure to subscribe and join the tiny (albeit hungry) tribe!

One last note, the Cannibal Corner has reached over 20 Followers!!! WOOT WOOT! I know, it’s not really a big deal but i’m excited! So keep on keeping on and have a good one.