Looking over a couple previous posts (cause that’s how I drive my number up…. not really, I don’t’ think it counts me) I realized that there’s been a few things that I’ve made off-handed comments about and then in parentheses (<-these bad boys->) mentioned that I should post on them. Well today I’m making good on one of those ever-so-forgettable little quips. I decided to make my first…. sub post idea post about my peculiar style of luck. Many of you may think that there are just 3 types of luck :Good luck :Bad luck :No luck. I’m here to tell you that there is a myriad of forms of luck and I have one of them. Not only do I have odd luck, but my luck has decided to take on various forms depending on the situation at hand. Before We go any further, I’d like to speak with Murphy’s Law “Yes Cannibal what is it?” Just because I’m talking about my luck… please don’t make it all terrible and replace my personal luck (which I have grown to find interesting) with terrible luck. “Too bad Cannibal… awful luck for you from here on out.” Thanks Murphy… really appreciate it. At any rate, Since I’ve been blogging I’ve been trying to be more attentive to the things going on around me in my daily life. I’ve even been delving into memories from long ago to try to drudge up only the greatest golden tid bits from my life and experience for you. Obviously in doing so, I’ve become quite the internet sensation (I don’t know if you’ve heard yet… but I’m kind of a big thing now *cricket cricket*) Oh you don’t think so? Well would a nobody have a graph!? Math, bitches!!!
Yeah, that’s what I thought, can we move on now? “For f_@#’s sake YES Cannibal! Let’s go!!” Ok ok… I will, but it’s because I want to, not because you got all grouchy… grouchy pants. I’ve split up my luck into it’s main categories for easier/whatever reading.
crossing my fingers: Think to the last few times you’ve crossed your fingers in hopes of improving your luck. Not when you did it as a joke or just a gesture, I mean really did it and meant it. Perhaps you were watching a big game with your favorite team in it and wanted them to make that goal/touchdown/bulls eye/Uno. Did you cross one pair of fingers or two or maybe even more? Did you cross your toes too? How about arms or legs? did you cross your eyes? You DID? That’s just foolish, your eyes obviously have no bearing on your luck if crossed…. silly person you. Well some of you may not remember because you either A: have better things to do than remember your luck crossing routine or B: don’t pay that much attention. The point is, I kept track of that crap. I made a little mental note about how my luck went each time and if I was crossing something and how many pairs there were. Do you know what I found out? Of course not, you aren’t a wizard! I found out that I could only cross ONE set of fingers to gain any sort of marginal benefit. It I crossed more than one set f fingers (or anything else) then I was screwed, no good luck for me. I never went to the wise man on the mountain top (mainly because I grew up in Louisiana and there were no mountains) to find out the deeper meaning behind it. I just chalked it up to the grammatical “double negative” rule. For those of you who aren’t familiar with the double negative rule (whether you’re young/dumb or aren’t from an english speaking country cause I’m so famous now) I’ll give you the run down. If you said something like ‘I don’t not like ice cream’ What you really said was ‘I like ice cream’ because… who cares, this is about luck, not english. Google that shit if you want to know about it. Some of you may think “well a double positive is still a positive if not even more positive”. Normally I would agree with you Though I had to explain it to myself this way. By crossing your fingers you aren’t saying you want good things. In fact, you are saying that you don’t want bad things to happen (sort of like crossing your fingers when you lie to not be held accountable to it). So my my hands saying ‘I don’t not want X bad thing to happen’, I’m jinxing myself. So there you have it.
Socially awkward situations: I will be socially awkward, just give it a minute, I’m probably saving up for a good one. If for no other reason that my face will revolt against me and make some terribly contorted caricature of a child molester trying to blend in
Let me be perfectly clear… I don’t always have candy with me. OH! and I’m not a child molester…. definitely not one of those guys.
Driving: My luck with driving goes through phases. Some times I’m a driving machine that will avoid every minuscule pebble and spec of sand on the road, other times I can’t stop pegging every pot whole I see (and the ones I don’t). BUT!! with that being said, I always have an overriding luck behind the wheel. I always seem to avoid terrible and/or life threatening situations (unless I’m in a situation where my next form of luck takes over). I have been driving down the road and had a herd of deer jump out, run alongside the vehicle and literally jump over the hood. I’ve swerved to miss cars in on-coming traffic. I’ve swerved to miss large objects randomly in the road or even thrown into the road by wind and the like. For some reason times appears to slow down and the vehicle responds with the utmost of ease, wanting me to look like a bad ass.
Horrible/dangerous situations: My luck will always put me in terrible situations. It loves to watch me flail and scream my way right past death’s face and then land me safely on the other side and laugh. For instance. One time when I had just finished high school, I took a tiny road trip to visit my girlfriend (now my awesome wife). On the way back I was ran off the road by a girl playing with her radio (I remember the car in pain-staking detail and even the radio station sh changed it to as my wheels dropped off he pavement. As I fought to regain control (after fish tailing a couple times in a 89 Bronco2 which is REALLY hard to not die doing) the back wheel blew out and it rolled over onto the roof and slid roughly 150 yards, upside down, sideways down one of the busiest interstates in north Louisiana. In said vehicle I had a spare tire, tire iron, car jack, toolbox full of tools, 4-7 pocket knives (they bread in the truck, I had no idea where they kept coming from), a Halloween mask, a 2×4, tons of broken glass and god knows how much in change. So as you can see, it was pretty easy for me to get injured. The truck rested on a bridge that was about 20 feet tall or so and perfectly sideways in the fast lane. I hadn’t touched any other vehicles nor had they touched me. The roof was crushed down to the tops of the seats.
Keep in mind that I was 6’1 when that happened. The driver door was folded at about a 45 degree angle starting at the window going into the truck at me. As far as how I fared. I had a carpet burn on my shoulder and a cut on my knee that needed 4 stitches from crawling over broken glass (they only stitched it because it was on the bend of the knee). I wasn’t even sore the next day, no post traumatic stress…. nothing. Another example. I was trimming my mother-in-law’s hedges with her brand new electric hedge trimmers. I had just finished my last cut and my wife, mother-in-law and son were all standing around admiring my awesome work. I was leaning over the bushes cutting on the backside. When I finished, I picked the trimmers up and let go of the switch and switch handle completely (as not to accidentally press it). I was still holding it by the guide handle on top though. To keep from smacking the newly trimmed bushes I spun the trimmers in mid air to bring it by my side to rest. Though someone said something to me and when I turned my head to respond, I didn’t realize that the brand new safety switch had stuck and the trimmers were still running and *POP POP* I hit my right index finger with a set of running hedge trimmers. I immediately pulled the trimmers away and almost hit my kid in the face with them (thank god I didn’t) and set them down. Looking at my finger…. it looked bad… like…… REALLY bad. I just knew I had hit the main vein or the tendon or something. I’m going to show the pic, if you are queasy, just keep scrolling.
Turned out that I had missed pretty much everything except, you know, my finger. I missed the main vein, I missed the tendon, I missed the joint. They just stitched it up and sent me on my merry way.
I somehow have the ability to be walking down the street, trip into a building that is abut to be demolished. While inside the explosions would be raining down debris and recently misplaced and angry Honey Badgers. I would wind up under a pile of rubble for an hour, being jabbed by tetanus riddled nails. Though I would somehow climb out with a hang nail and a sore ankle from the trip. I don’t get it.
poor balance/tripping: If I’m about to fall there is something I can do to stop it. No it’s not be more agile or “slinky like a kitty cat”. When I lose my balance and are about to fall, if I make ridiculous and embarrassing (preferably high pitched) noises, I can usually pull out of it and be fine. Not only that, but the more people there are around to hear me (especially pretty women), the better it works. So in short, if I’m alone and begin to fall… I’m going down, regardless of noises made. If I’m in a room full of people, including pretty women, and a girly squeal and flail my arms a bit to get everyone’s attention, I’ll be fine. I won’t fall.
So in conclusion, My luck is an asshole who loves to see me in terrible/embarrassing situations. So in retort, I’ve become that guy who’s always weird, but is totally the more awesome due to it. Hope you all have had a good time peeking into my world and enjoyed what you saw. Again, follow the page, share this with your friends and keep on keeping on. Lets see if we can get 50 followers, we’re already at just over 10. Have a good one everybody!!