This is why I’m fat (A look into my wife’s cooking)

I’m posting this topic because it was decided by the fates, and by fates I mean my wife posted a comment to the previous post that requested votes for the next topic (even though I bypassed it to talk about Kidz Bop last post). So if you don’t like this topic then you should have voted. “But Cannibal I didn’t read your amazeballs post and know about said voting scheme…”. Ain’t nobody got time for your excuses!!! Now lets start.

To begin with, I just spent the last 5-10 minutes creeping on facebook to find several pics of my wife’s delicious cooking to share with you all. As a second start, I should probably inform you a bit more about myself. “We know, you work in the oil field”. I SAID AINT NOBODY GOT TIME FOR YOUR… oh wait… never mind. *cough cough* ANYWAYS! I’m not a small person, lets just begin with that description. I would further aid your mental visuals by stating that I’m not “fat”. Would not go into the “I’m big boned (even though “technically” I am)”. I’m 6’2 and 320lbs. Yeah, I know that’s a lot, my knees don’t miss a chance to tell me, I don’t need to hear it from you too. Though i would still not consider myself “fat”. I would consider myself “festively plump”. More like, if I died in a terrible plane crash way up in the mountains (which I would totally survive) and there was no food around, the rest of the survivors could totally live off of my man flesh for a couple weeks (especially the long meat, if you catch my drift… NO! Not that, my thigh meat… Jeez people…. perverts, all of you). But I must add a note, I would definitely survive the  crash due to my luck (which I should post about some day) and I would not hesitate to serve up some ex-co-passenger for the next meal, purposefully saving all of the packaged and un-perishables (that’s the term for them right?) for later use. No, not because I’m a crazed madman looking for any excuse to eat people meat. I don’t know how long I would be up there trying to survive and that corpse meat aint gonna last forever. Gotta save the preserved stuff for AFTER the fresh meat is gone and we’re still not rescued yet. BAM FOOL!! logic, planning and resource management all up in your FACE!

yeah... I'll get the hell rescued out of us.

yeah… I’ll get the hell rescued out of us.

At any rate, my wife. Yes the whole reason your reading this (aside from my long flowing locks of course). She is a great cook. I understand that many of you are or know a very good cook. For that I apologize, because you/they aren’t. I say that my wife in an amazing cook, not because she’s my wife and I’m trying to suck up to ensure I got some nooky next time I go home (because that’s gonna happen anyways….. sorry, probably shouldn’t share that much so soon), but because she is. Growing up, I thought my mom was a great cook. She’s not terrible by any means, my mom is still a fairly good cook (she can THROW DOWN on some potato salad), but my mother was never able to do the things my wife can. Growing up here is a list of vegetables that I would eat, English peas (for a couple years and then stopped, black eyed peas, broccoli (on rare occasions), mushrooms/bell pepper/onions (on pizza, onions not on pizza but had to be cooked into the food and in small bits)…. that’s pretty much it. Not to say that my mother didn’t try… she tried to get me to eat tons of veggies, I just couldn’t like them. Now here is a list of veggies my wife has gotten me to eat (and like). All of the previously mentioned veggies, cabbage, tomatoes (not raw though… bleh), squash, zucchini… pretty much everything except corn. I HATE corn with a passion and it hates me back so we stay away from each other (unless it’s cooked in something in small quantities, then I can deal). I’m not saying that because I’m some self-righteous ass-clown who only eats veggies now, oh no.. My wife cooks it all.  Now I’m from the unofficial (probably official) food capital of the nation. I’m not going to tell you where but I will give you a hint. It begins with a “L” and ends with “ouisiana”, so we eat tons of food down there, not particularly “good” for you, but oooooooooh so delicious, and my wife can cook Cajun food like a BOSS. She can also cook pretty much everything like a boss.  To put it in perspective, my brother came to visit us a few months ago and brought a couple friends of his from England (yes, the country) and they were both on the edge of moving here just to be able to eat my wife’s cooking more. That’s right, she converted two brits to the amazingness of her delicious cooking. I suppose we’ve had enough bragging and your thinking “pics or it didn’t happen”. Oh dear friends….. poor poor friends… you really think I would come here and make such outlandish claims and not have picture evidence….. I scoff at your lack of faith (always trust a fat kid when it comes to food. They’re like yum Yoda’s).

 

Making a meal out of nothing: As I’m sure some of you have seen, there was an ecard that made the rounds on facebook a couple months ago that basically said “I’m at the ‘what can I make with green beans and cake mix’ point of my groceries”. I’m also sure that many of you have been at that point in your life at least a few times, either by laziness or poorness. We were in that position for a long while due to poorness. Granted, we aren’t anymore, but at one chapter in our lives together, we were. Though that didn’t stop her from making some of the most delicious (albeit odd) meals. She would take a can of Rotel, a fingernail’s scraping of hamburger meat, a pack of cheese and 7 beans and make wonderful creations that were filling and tasty (always filling. every meal she makes is always filling). I don’t know how she does it, but she can legitimately feed 8 people a meal that leaves them all stuffed and with plenty of leftovers for $10. I’m not even exaggerating.  I have personally witnessed this on multiple occasions.

Campfire cooking: As well as being a great cook, my wife is also a lover of camping, more importantly, campfire cooking. I’m not talking about hot dog wieners and smores cooking. I’m talking about legit, you would pay for this quality of food at a restaurant, grade cooking.

Why yes that is bacon wrapped chicken and other tasties

Why yes that is bacon wrapped chicken and other tasties

Granted, we do sometimes have to lug out a few unorthodox for camping cookware items but I would gladly do it every time for this kind of food. She LOVES cooking on a campfire. She also loves steak (I think you can guess where this is going). A long while back, while we were still struggling financially, she began buying beef roasts and would cut them up into steak shapes and we would have those for steaks. Some of you may harrumph and say “roast isn’t the same as steak”. To that I would agree, they technically aren’t. Though the way she cooks them, you very likely wouldn’t know if it was plated in front of you and if you did, you probably wouldn’t care.

That just happened

That just happened

If you have an issue with that meat not being “good enough”… then you have no place here, move along.

Breakfast: On top of campfire cooking, my wife cooks breakfast. I know, it’s shocking but hang with me. As a side note, when food packages list out ingredients and their quantities,, my wife seems them as friendly suggestions not to be followed exactly. Tons of people do it, it’s not a big deal. Though she goes in the “how can I make this the most mouthwatering, panty dropping dish ever!” direction. Pancakes for example, a simple and basic dish. You follow the directions on the box (or from scratch, however you wanna do it) and voila! Pancakes. My wifes sees those directions and the suggested serving size and thinks “Challenge accepted” and then proceeds to HAM as a mutha and bust out these monster beauties.

you can measure the thickness in inches and diameter in faces.

you can measure the thickness in inches and diameter in faces

She is also unreasonably well versed in the cooking of bacon, eggs, biscuits and all other forms of “breakfast foods”.

Cajun cuisine: Many people would look at this and think “what the hell do I do with all of that?

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My wife however, sees that and says “GUMBOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!”. Kind of like a Hispanic soccer announcer yells “goal”. Ok, I’m lying. I yell that and she rolls her eyes. At any rate, I will admit that gumbo is one of the most unpleasant to look at foods in the nation, if you don’t know the magic that is gumbo. Imagine that you see a pot full of various meat products, what you can only assume are vegetables, enough spices to see them floating around and a couple leaves (yes leaves) all swimming in a dark brown liquid. Yeah, it sounds like roadkill tossed into swamp water…. but the taste and smell is one of the most intoxicating smells in the world. I have a buddy from Idaho that was given a pot of it to take home to his family as a gift for giving me a ride to and from work, the next state over (we work together, it was a commuting thing, not important). Now keep in mind that (as far as I know) his wife and two kids have never left the Californiaand north west region (except maybe for vacations but not to Cajun country). They had never eaten Cajun food as far as I know. His wife is also a health food type person (not a weirdo crazy one, just eats healthy). Her and the kids all were rather suspicious of the dish (from what I was told), and were all but forced to try a bite . They all LOVED it.

add some cheddar biscuits and you have a delicious coma in front of you

add some cheddar biscuits and you have a delicious coma in front of you

So if you’e ever wondering what delicious gumbo looks like… that’s it.

Mexican-ish food:

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Why yes that is a delicious enchiladas filled with chicken, green chilies, cheese, rice and love topped with 6 different cheeses. Need I say more?

Leftovers: Leftovers is one of those things some families have issues with. Do we throw them out? Do we keep eating them until they’re gone or spoiled? Do we do something else with them? Do we drive down the street and thrown them at children? Do we send them to starving countries so they receive a 2 week old Tupperware tub of rotten death? My wife has none of those thoughts. Her thought is, how many different things can I make with this that will rock people’s faces off their skulls? The answer is a LOT. Recently (like last week recent) we had steak, shrimp, potatoes, asparagus and rolls for dinner. Entirely too much food for 2 adults and a 7 year old. Tough we took on the challenge of eating it all, we were defeated. Vanquished and buried under a mound of mouth-watering goodness.  During the battle however, we were able to eradicate the potatoes, asparagus and rolls. Which left the steak and shrimp as left overs. So the next day when we wake up (around noon), she decided she’s going to make quesadillas (fun fact* WordPress does not recognize quesadillas as a word… odd). So she made steak, shrimp, mushroom, veggies, MEGA cheese quesadillas. Of course you will get to see it my little tasties, hold on.

mmmmmmmm so tasty

mmmmmmmm so tasty

There was still leftover steak and shrimp though. So the next morning when we woke up (more morning-ish the next day), she made steak, shrimp, veggie and egg breakfast burritos.

I think you're getting the point

I think you’re getting the point

Holidays: Holidays are no different for my wife’s amazing cooking super powers. In fact, she shines even brighter during these times. She LOVES Thanksgiving and Christmas, not necessarily because of the fact that they are holidays alone, but because she has a perfect excuse to make her famous trash bag turkeys. You may say “Eww! trash bag turkeys… that sounds disgusting”. In retort I say “Go back and look at those pictures.. are you seriously doubting me at this point?”. Since I don’t have any pictures of said trash bag turkeys,  I will just have to explain it to you the best I can. So here we go. The day before said feast will be taking place we begin preping our turkey (yes we, she always buys huge turkeys and it takes both of us to move/prep them). We start by stabbing the hell out of it with forks on all sides to get it good and perforated. She then mixes up a bunch of dry seasonings in one bowl and several liquid seasonings and dry seasonings in another bowl. We then pour some of the liquid over the turkey to get it good and wet. After that, we rub the dry seasoning over the turkey and set the bird in a small (13ish gallon) non-scented trash bag. Set the bag in a deep walled pan and pour the rest of the liquid over it. Then we push all the air out of the bag and seal it up and toss it in the fridge to marinade over night. The next day she puts the turkey on the cooking rack, the rack back in the deep walled pan, pours all the marinade in the bottom of the pan, makes a cute little tin foil tent over the turkey and in the oven it goes… for like 12 hours……. People…. I want to stress how amazing this turkey is. I’ve had tons of turkeys in my day. One might say that I’m a turkey connoisseur (WordPress recognizes  connoisseur but not quesadillas…. weird). I’ve even had deep fried turkey, which I thought was the best in the world…. until I had a trash bag turkey… Oh, My GAWD is this thing delicious. I can seriously not think of any words that might possibly convey how amazing that mess is. You may know that turkey is a very difficult meat to keep tender and juicy while it’s cooking. It’s incredibly easy to make eh turkey dry and gross, this is not dry. In fact, it’s so juicy that you can cut it off the bird, put it on a plate, and there will be a wet spot under it when you move the piece. It is literally still juicy the next day after being in the fridge all night. It’s THAT juicy.

Well I think I’ve said enough (possibly too much… I’m starving now) about my wife’s cooking. I think we can all agree that she’s awesome and there is no question as to why I’m festively plump. I hope you all had a good time reading the post. I plan on writing more. As always, if there’s anything you want to read about, just slap down a comment. Please please please follow the blog and tell you friends. For those of you who already have. Thanks for joining the tribe. Have a good one. Cannibal out!

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