Kidz Bop (The Leviathan of awful )

Well as you may have guessed (and well done might I add) that another installment of Kidz Bop is on the way out the door. Now keep in mind that I have a son. Granted, he’s a pretty awesome kid, but that’s beside the point. The point is, to this day (he’s 7 now) I don’t think he’s ever heard a Kidz Bop album. If he has, it’s been due to some other person who obviously does not see it for the evil I do. Many of you may not know this about me yet, but I’m not the typical “OOOOh no!! I must shield my child from all the dangers of the world! His fragile ears are too sensitive for anything but kind words of affirmation.” Nay…… Nay I say. When My kid messes up, I tell him, When he’s in trouble, he knows it. He hears curse words, he sees gory zombie movies, stuff like that (not nudity, we do shield him from nudity and excessive and/or vulgar language, and probably a few other things Who knows). The point is, I’m not an over protective helicopter parent (and neither is my wife) and we still don’t let our child listen to that crap . And as is the custom in these blog-o-sphere-type-scribbilizations, I will expound thusly.

Kidz Bop is a series of Albums of popular music that has been redone for kids. “Uh, duh Cannibal, we’re not retards.” Some of you might be, I don’t know and I don’t discriminate against them you retard hater you. Shame on you for hating people based on the inabilities of their brain…… *tisk tisk* ANYWAYS!!! As I was saying. They take popular songs and redo them for kids. Now many of you know that Kidz Bop is kind enough to change up the obviously vulgar lyrics to other things. If not here’s a few examples  *BAM*( Did you read them? No? Well go read that crap. What’s wrong with you? I put a lot of work copy and pasti….. I mean…… making that web page… oh who am I kidding, I copy pasted that. Back on topic. Most of you may say “Well Cannibal, that’s a good thing. The kidz (see what I did there…?) don’t need to hear that kind of filth/garbage/profanity/sexuality.” I totally agree. They don’t need to hear that. The problem is (among other things) It drastically changes the meaning of the song to….. not making a damn bit of sense. Now some of you may be saying “Well that doesn’t really matter. The point is, it’s a catchy song that kids can sing along to and enjoy.” Then I say stop being an idiot. Just because they are kids, doesn’t give them a free pass on having a thought process. ESPECIALLY at young ages kids should be thinking and learning reasoning skills. Shoving this, now random conglomeration of words (not like it was much better to begin with), into their skulls and having their parents give them that “it’s fine, don’t pay attention to the words because this is fun… trust me” crap just tells them “don’t bother thinking because it will just hurt your brain anyways.

This will be your children in a few years

This will be your children in a few years

The other major issue that many people seem to over look is that… they aren’t the right words, and that child will most likely hear the right ones before you know it (if they haven’t already). But let’s say that you are a vigilant parent/care taker/kidnapper and you don’t let them hear the real version on your watch. Ok… cool, you aren’t always there and children are worse that mischief pixies at going behind you back and seeing/saying/hearing/doing things and you have NO idea of it. In fact, I would venture to say that mischief pixies were modeled after children (poorly might I add, mischief pixies aren’t nearly as mischievous as kids are). The point is, your kid will eventually hear the right version and that will explode their brains. First off, mom and dad bought me a disk of LIES!!! They bamboozled me and led me astray. They fed me dishonesty and wore a smile the entire time. Now they’re that kid that when the songs comes on they say “Oh I love this song!” Then it gets to the “adjusted” parts and then they just stand there like they just walked in on their parents having sex but are too frozen to go gouge their eyes out with bald eagle talons. (I hear it’s rather effective at removing mental images). You may doubt me, but I’ve seen it happen more than once. I’ve seen it multiple times with the same kid and with multiple kids too. So I’m pretty much an expert on this stuff, trust me…. I’m the Cannibal. When it first happened for me, I was in high school myself and to watch the kid just have their world crushed…. was pretty funny. So it became our life’s mission to ruin every wholesome lie they had been fed.

yeah... pretty much just like that.

yeah… pretty much just like that.

Also, keep in mind that as time progresses, rules get more and more lax in the media and censoring bureaus. So eventually you’re going to get one of these, once wholesome) Cd’s pop it in your disk player of choice for the kids all bouncing impatiently, ready for their new dose of lies and then BAM!!! No censorship, no lyrics changes… nothing. They just has a bunch of kids sing you a song about drugs, murder and setting the land speed record for impregnation.

That will most certainly be you.

That will most certainly be you.

So, in closing, if you don’t want your kidz (snuck another one in there) to be listening to that kind of music (the real lyrics) then don’t get them the Kidz Bop albums either. If the song is good and wholesome and you don’t mind them hearing the original……. let them listen to the original… easy. Also, a side note for anybody who works on the Kidz  Bop projects…. Just because a song is popular in the general society, that doesn’t mean it’s appropriate for children.


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