If you’re new to the Internet, welcome! If you’ve been doodling around the webs for a while, then you probably already know what I’m talking about. Quizzes are EVERYWHERE! Not like a “Huh… look a quiz to test my knowledge on a particular subject. I would like to challenge my mind on said topic.” No no no no no… Not those types of quizzes. Those types of quizzes would be interesting and quite possibly helpful to society. No these quizzes are the most ridiculous, worthless, easy to beat quizzes ever. In fact, I’m pretty sure Hodor could blast through one of these in mere seconds.
The types or Quizzes I’m referring to specifically are the types you usually see on social media sites like Facebook… So so many terrible quizzes on facebook.
As I said moments ago (unless you took a bit longer admiring the photographicals) quizzes that helped further knowledge or truly test your wits would be great. Though as I also said, those aren’t the types of quizzes that make the rounds. If you’re still confused as to the particular types of quizzes I’m referring to, lets begin.
“Your honor! I would like to submit into evidence on the case of internet over-stupidity vs the world, quizzes that always have the title (what type of ______ are you?).” Yes, these types of quizzes. Now don’t fall into the trap of missing the forest for the one squiggly and inappropriate tree. These types of quizzes have a myriad of names.
“what _____ your soul?”
“How many ______’s can you fit in your eye socket?” (I might take that one….)
“Which ______ are you?”
“How ________ are you?”
I think You’re beginning to see where I’m going with this (if not, then we have no room for bowls of potato salad in this entry so you may move along). Now don’t get me wrong. I fall into the trap of taking these quizzes ALL THE TIME! The problem I have is that I keep hoping against hope that one day, one will be made that truly delves into the psyche and dredges up your true, inner _____. Though every time I dive into an internet quiz, I’m met with the same transparent, shambling cat lady version of a real quiz.
To go a step further (we like steps here right?) I’ll go through the entire process (although somewhat abridged) of taking an internet quiz.
This tale begins with you (or anyone really) spending some down time on the webs, because we all agree that NOOOOBODY wastes time on the internet while on the clock (*wink wink*). So you’re perusing Facebook watching funny cat videos, reading up on the latest drama from that chick who “is SO tired of drama and is totally done with it and won’t even say anything about it because I’m done with it… You hear me you skank Brittany!! I know you cheated on Kermit with Grouch!! You’re so ratchet!!!”, creeping on the rest of your friends pics and then suddenly you see a post that tugs at your attention. “What x-men are you?” It says (I picked this particular quiz title because I’ve taken several of them and always get the one I want…. BOOYAH!) and you’re intrigued. “Why of course I’d like to know which x-men I am because I’ve always assumed my powers were just laying dormant and if I only took this quiz and got the character I wanted then they would burst forth from my soul and I would be the world saving hero I was destined to be!!!” (no…? That’s not normal….? Oh well, moving on, nothing to see here…). Now of course this quiz is free, because nobody is going to pay to take a ridiculous quiz and therefore it must be plastered with advertisements. So much so that the actual quiz can be difficult to begin due to the fact that nearly every square millimeter of said quiz’s title page will take you to a completely unrelated site if incorrectly clicked.
Once you’ve battled your way through ads and BS, you can finally begin the arduous battle of carefully taking the quiz. Weighing each answer dutifully against one another to reach the true hue of the deepest part of your being….. Or, you can just look at the possibilities, see where each one is going and hopscotch your way to the answer you want. Inevitably each answer will be so obvious as to which overall outcome it leads to that it’s insulting. Now don’t get me wrong, many quizzes go so far as to have, say, 8 possible outcomes and 4 answers to each of the 10 questions, so as to allow you to have a fraction of diversity in outcomes, but seriously… not difficult.
A quick side question. Why are there only 10 questions to these things anyways? I mean, I understand that we don’t have all day to take a quiz but seriously? Don’t you think that’s a bit short? I mean, there were about 117 different mutants in the x-men group in total over the years and you expect me to believe that we’ve covered ALL of them in ten 4 choice questions…… really? At any rate, now that you’ve deciphered the uncrackable code that is the internet quiz, you wade through the embarrassingly ridiculous possibilities until you get the answer you knew you were going to get from the beginning. Does it make you feel like you’ve accomplished something? No… It makes you want to scour your page for something else that is hilarious in hopes that it will make you feel like you didn’t just die a little inside.
Though you may have noticed, that there are so many quizzes, that they run round like gangs. You can’t just deal with one quiz… oooooooh no, they gotta bring all their quiz friends along for the ride too. At the end of every quiz there are about a thousand other quizzes you can take that are just as mundane and petty as the one you just finished.
Can the internet agree to stop with the ridiculous quizzes now? We all know it’s a lame horse that needs to be put down. You aren’t fooling anybody internet, we see through your lies… cut it out… seriously…. stop it.