Bash their skulls in with stones! Run them down with spike-wheeled contraptions! Spill their blood to quench the thirst of our manly plants (not those frilly, girly ones “What like Venus fly traps and the like?” “YEAH!!! THOSE KIND OF PLANTS!”) Proudly display their conquered vaginas from strings, dangling from the ends of high-spinning ceiling fan blades!



Maybe there is no war on women. Some people today are saying that the Republicans are engaged in a “War on Women”. They say this following a recent supreme court case ruling in favor of the crafts store Hobby Lobby (link below).  How DARE those EVIL companies hide behind such a measly and sniveling excuse such as “religious beliefs” to cause pain and suffering to those poor defenseless (yet somehow strong and independent)  women! What right does a company have to deny the right of women to sleep around promiscuously with various men with no worry of becoming pregnant!? How dare they tell women that they will only pay for 80% of the possible medications that will (potentially) render the exact same results!? Oh what’s that? you haven’t heard that Hobby Lobby already provides 16 of the 20 possible contraceptives to their employees? hmm… That’s odd. Well at any rate, here are a few thoughts for you.

1: The ruling in favor of Hobby Lobby was based on an already established law protecting the religious rights of people and their property (the “religious freedom restoration act”in 1993)

2: In the Case of Hobby Lobby and other “closely held corporations” that are owned by 5 or less people (making it personal property ), they are protected under the aforementioned law.

3: That law, if you take offense to it….. was put in place in 1993, by Bill Clinton, and other Democrats/liberals (also including Republicans). It was a near unanimous decision.


Now back to the more general ramblings/thoughts. I am a firm believer that a woman’s body is her own. I also believe that a company’s business is its own (as long as it doesn’t violate any laws). However, I can’t help but see a variation of thoughts and views regarding women from the progressive side. On the one hand, women are strong, intelligent, independent rulers of their own fate.  Capable of commanding respect and deserving of all form of praise and encouragement (A view I can and do get behind). On the other hand, women are fragile, weak creatures, incapable of providing for themselves and must be taken care of by everyone else to prevent their impending doom (A view I find disgusting and ridiculous). Now you may say “But Cannibal… These forms of contraceptive are expensive and could financially ruin many women.”. To that I say “true”. And to that you may say “So shouldn’t women be taken care of and force these companies to cover those types of medication as well?”. To that I would say “…if women are so capable and intelligent, can they not simply…. find an employer that offers the type of coverage they desire?” Or perhaps, “Can these brilliant women not exercise restraint in their social lives and not participate in activities that would be directly affected by contraceptives?” Now many would say to that “Many women use birth control not as a means to sleep around, but a means to help regulate their hormones and help keep maintain a healthy lifestyle.” I totally agree, many women do use birth control as a means to help regulate their health and don’t necessarily use it as a ‘get out of pregnant free’ card. But keep in mind, that said company already offers 16… that’s right 80% of the possible medications for that purpose. So it’s not like Hobby lobby and other such companies are running a muck, clamping chastity belts on women.


Hear me out (and seeing as how you’ve hung in this far I assume you will continue). When I was out looking for a job, I looked at many factors. What was the pay like? What sort of hours would I work? What types of benefits does this company offer? If these criteria were not met… I either didn’t apply, or didn’t take the job. Simple as that. I didn’t label the company as “evil” or “trying to wage war on my rights”. I saw them as companies who didn’t want to compensate me to the level I felt I was worth and moved on. Why is it so objectionable for women to do the same? Why does it boggle the mind so to think that women are incapable of doing the exact same thing I did? Also, keep in mind, that women and men alike have been doing this since the birth of the modern age. Now yes, some people can only find certain work in certain areas… to that I say, if you can’t support yourself or get the type of compensation you require in a certain area…. move areas. I’ve done it twice now and it’s not the end of the word. In fact, I’m quite glad I moved, I found one of the most beautiful areas in the country in my opinion (more on that in the future).

I feel that people have been infected with extreme short term memory loss. Try to remember way back to before the ACA (Affordable Care Act)…. Women still worked for Hobby Lobby…. They were not offered those exact same 4 medications….. They still survived….. They still prospered. Why is it now, that suddenly, because a piece of paper with a signature on it makes these women impoverished slaves, beaten down by the mighty fist of evil Christian men? Why was it perfectly fine a couple years ago but today…. OH!!! WHAT A TRAVESTY!!!!! These poor defenseless women!!! If they weren’t defenseless before the bill, they aren’t defenseless now. Nobody is shackling them to the  floor of the stores. Nobody is holding a gun to their head when they walk in the door.  Besides the fact that since those contraceptives weren’t being offered in the first place THEY AGREED TO IT FROM THE BEGINNING!!!!!!!!!  It’s not like these medications were taken away from them. They were never offered to begin with, and these same women STILL ACCEPTED THE JOB!!!!

So in my opinion, we should all get our hands out of these women’s lives and let them be independent, strong, capable women and make their own decisions about who they work for and what coverage they need. And if that means that nobody works for a certain company  due to their beliefs, then that company will just go out of business and the problem solves itself.

So in short (and rousingly sexiotic….? I’m not really sure of the gender form of patriotic) Be strong women of the world! Live your own lives, make your own decisions. And just like the rest of us, stand by your decisions and own them. Don’t live your life and expect others to foot the bill. If you want to live your life a certain way, great, go for it. just remember to make sure you can cover the costs.




As promised, here is the link referring to said “war on women”-


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